my story started a few months ago (22.07.2017). It was a wonderful day I was outside, smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee, talking about my new project...everything Was perfect. So okay, I decided to see what is happening on my facebook timeline, I was scrolling and shit. Then the news about Chester Bennington's suicide popped up. I instantly became anxious and the question which popped in my head was "He had everything, why he did it? What stops me from doing it?" and immediately after that I started having suicidal thoughts. For example: "A friend: Lets go outside tomorrow; My mind: Yes, If I don't suicide by then." and so on. I completely forgot about my other episode of OCD in which I was worried that I will became drug addict. So I googled suicidal thoughts and the result Major Depression came in(Chester had it.). I completely freaked out, I looked at the symptoms and there was nothing wrong with me. But I completely freaked out(I think I had anxiety attack, but not sure - My heart was beating fast, my vision became blurry, I felt like vomiting, my hands were sweating.) I came back home, didn't eat, didn't sleep. I was terrified.
The story continues the next day. I woke up earlier, I was extremely anxious, couldn't think of anything than suicide. I tried to do some stuff to take my mind of. It was impossible. Short after that there was a feeling that makes everything feel pointless. That makes life feels pointless. I tried to argue with these thoughts, and rationalize them. It was impossible. At the beginning for the half of the day everything felt pointless, then I came back to my normal self, but I couldn't stop googling. I was Terrified. I made depression tests online, they all showed no or very few chances of depression. I thought I had Major Depressive Disorder so I went immediately to my psychologist. He said that I am fine, and the problem is probably that I find something similar to me and Chester.
Okay. There was a temporary relief, but then everything started over. But, then my mind started to tell me that I didn't tell everything to him. The pointlessness and the suicidal thoughts continued. I started obsessing even more, constantly on Google. Trying to find answer to the pointlessness and the thoughts. And I started finding horrible stories about people who felt that life is pointless. The more I googled the harder it became to gain relief. But I continued. I even googled "Am I suicidal?", "How can I tell if I am suicidal?", "Reasons why people suicide.", "Inside the mind of a suicidal person", "Can a person suddenly become suicidal?", "Suicide risk test" and so on. The thoughts and the pointlessness feeling started to become constant, I am always anxious and constantly in my head with these 2 obsessions.
I red a lot about depression and how people with depression feel overwhelmed from life. So I it became obsession and I feel like I now I think/am afraid of/I don't know. from life. I missed my exams and stopped attending university because 1. I lost interest in it(I read that also. But it is strange for me, like I have interest, but at the same time I don't). 2. Because I am /Afraid of(not sure/) overwhelmed of life.
The thoughts became more, and now there Is a dark feeling that makes them real and that makes life seems pointless it feels like there is a door between my old life and now.
Now my obsession are many and too real to be OCD. I will list them here: 1. Why I don't just give up and do it. 2. What if life gets hard and I do it. 3. Feeling that life is already hard and I will do it. 4. Feeling that I am becoming/became overwhelmed/bored with life and will do it. 5. I don't want kids on this terrible world.(I read this somewhere, and for some reason I think that this means I am suicidal) 6. What if I no longer see a meaning and kill myself(accompanied with a dark feeling which I can't describe that makes me think that I am suicidal.) 7. What Is the point of working for when I can kill myself.(This scares me the most.) 8. Intrusive images of me doing it. 9. Life is not worth living.(I never thought of that before I red it somewhere.) 10. Whenever I do something which proves I am not suicidal there are thoughts and feelings that makes it feel like I don't wanted to do this. Or that doesn't prove that I am not suicidal. 11. It was better to not being born.(Also red it somewhere.) 12. Why not die now, when I will die anyway?(Also red it somewhere and became obsession, and feels real. )
My obsessions(worries) as follows:
1. I want to kill myself.
2. What if life gets hard and kill myself?
3. Life is already hard and I want to kill myself.
4. What is the point of living when I will die anyway?
5. I don't want kids on this terrible world.
6. I think that life is pointless and will kill myself in the future.
7. What is the point of working and following society when I can kill myself >>>> From that, I worry that in the future I will do it impulsive.
8. Therapy won't help.
9. Why I am here?
10. "I want to get better" and then my mind goes like "No I don't it is meaningless.
11. Fear that I feel overwhelmed and want to die.
12. Feeling that I believe these thoughts, but I don't want to it is strange.
13. Fear of becoming or already became a nihilist and will suicide.
14. Life is not worth living.
15. Suicide is the way to take control.
16. Life is hard.
17. Everything about future is a trigger.
18. I don't care if it is meaningless. >>>> then it counters me with all of the shit above.
19. Fear that I will finish like Chester.
20. Fear that I will become so hopeless/bored with everything and I will do it.
21. Feeling that I am already so hopeless and do it.
22. I fear that the littlest negative thing will drive me to it.
23. Fear that I am in Existential Crisis and will do it(I red somewhere that it is in top 15 reasons why people suicide.
24. Fear/feeling that I have some weird deathwish.
25. Fear that I want to do it.
26. Fear/feeling that this is what suicidal people feel when they do it.
27. I think I have treatment resistant Major Depression.(I have only 2-3 symptoms.)
So to sum it up. 3 Months later. I am constantly anxious (I think, there is a dark feeling that makes everything seem darker and pointless(including my life goals and life at all.) and is scary and makes butterflies in my stomach.)Everything seems pointless, I am constantly on reddit/Google trying to find answer/reassurance/ It feels like I am overwhelmed of life but at the same time I am not. The thoughts are still there. And this shit feels too damn real to be OCD. And there is a feeling that I will do it in the future which is (scary).
Also there is a feeling that something is draining me inside.
Everything feels pointless. Nothing brings me joy I am constantly over thinking. I feel like i lost myself, I feel that my life has changed tremendously, I feel like something died in me, I feel lost in life, Like I got through a door from my old life to now and now the door is closed and there is no turning back. Everything feels pointless and temporary, I feel like an alien to my self. It feels like something is draining me inside. I feel weird, like I realised that I am human being for the first time. Life feels short but at the same time long. My mind flipped over. How to get out of this shit?
P.S. I was diagnosed with OCD yesterday, I felt almost fine, then started doubting it and the pointless, overwhelmness and the other stuff came back. Is it possible for OCD to feel real/delusional? Am I missing university/avoiding work because of depression, not OCD, or just OCD fear of feeling overwhelmed or REALLY feeling overwhelmed? I can't tell.