Diagnosed with OCD. However I am not sure ... - Anxiety Support

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Diagnosed with OCD. However I am not sure it feel real. Please read.

ttonev profile image
ttonev

my story started a few months ago (22.07.2017). It was a wonderful day I was outside, smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee, talking about my new project...everything Was perfect. So okay, I decided to see what is happening on my facebook timeline, I was scrolling and shit. Then the news about Chester Bennington's suicide popped up. I instantly became anxious and the question which popped in my head was "He had everything, why he did it? What stops me from doing it?" and immediately after that I started having suicidal thoughts. For example: "A friend: Lets go outside tomorrow; My mind: Yes, If I don't suicide by then." and so on. I completely forgot about my other episode of OCD in which I was worried that I will became drug addict. So I googled suicidal thoughts and the result Major Depression came in(Chester had it.). I completely freaked out, I looked at the symptoms and there was nothing wrong with me. But I completely freaked out(I think I had anxiety attack, but not sure - My heart was beating fast, my vision became blurry, I felt like vomiting, my hands were sweating.) I came back home, didn't eat, didn't sleep. I was terrified.

The story continues the next day. I woke up earlier, I was extremely anxious, couldn't think of anything than suicide. I tried to do some stuff to take my mind of. It was impossible. Short after that there was a feeling that makes everything feel pointless. That makes life feels pointless. I tried to argue with these thoughts, and rationalize them. It was impossible. At the beginning for the half of the day everything felt pointless, then I came back to my normal self, but I couldn't stop googling. I was Terrified. I made depression tests online, they all showed no or very few chances of depression. I thought I had Major Depressive Disorder so I went immediately to my psychologist. He said that I am fine, and the problem is probably that I find something similar to me and Chester.

Okay. There was a temporary relief, but then everything started over. But, then my mind started to tell me that I didn't tell everything to him. The pointlessness and the suicidal thoughts continued. I started obsessing even more, constantly on Google. Trying to find answer to the pointlessness and the thoughts. And I started finding horrible stories about people who felt that life is pointless. The more I googled the harder it became to gain relief. But I continued. I even googled "Am I suicidal?", "How can I tell if I am suicidal?", "Reasons why people suicide.", "Inside the mind of a suicidal person", "Can a person suddenly become suicidal?", "Suicide risk test" and so on. The thoughts and the pointlessness feeling started to become constant, I am always anxious and constantly in my head with these 2 obsessions.

I red a lot about depression and how people with depression feel overwhelmed from life. So I it became obsession and I feel like I now I think/am afraid of/I don't know. from life. I missed my exams and stopped attending university because 1. I lost interest in it(I read that also. But it is strange for me, like I have interest, but at the same time I don't). 2. Because I am /Afraid of(not sure/) overwhelmed of life.

The thoughts became more, and now there Is a dark feeling that makes them real and that makes life seems pointless it feels like there is a door between my old life and now.

Now my obsession are many and too real to be OCD. I will list them here: 1. Why I don't just give up and do it. 2. What if life gets hard and I do it. 3. Feeling that life is already hard and I will do it. 4. Feeling that I am becoming/became overwhelmed/bored with life and will do it. 5. I don't want kids on this terrible world.(I read this somewhere, and for some reason I think that this means I am suicidal) 6. What if I no longer see a meaning and kill myself(accompanied with a dark feeling which I can't describe that makes me think that I am suicidal.) 7. What Is the point of working for when I can kill myself.(This scares me the most.) 8. Intrusive images of me doing it. 9. Life is not worth living.(I never thought of that before I red it somewhere.) 10. Whenever I do something which proves I am not suicidal there are thoughts and feelings that makes it feel like I don't wanted to do this. Or that doesn't prove that I am not suicidal. 11. It was better to not being born.(Also red it somewhere.) 12. Why not die now, when I will die anyway?(Also red it somewhere and became obsession, and feels real. :( )

+ More:

My obsessions(worries) as follows:

1. I want to kill myself.

2. What if life gets hard and kill myself?

3. Life is already hard and I want to kill myself.

4. What is the point of living when I will die anyway?

5. I don't want kids on this terrible world.

6. I think that life is pointless and will kill myself in the future.

7. What is the point of working and following society when I can kill myself >>>> From that, I worry that in the future I will do it impulsive.

8. Therapy won't help.

9. Why I am here?

10. "I want to get better" and then my mind goes like "No I don't it is meaningless.

11. Fear that I feel overwhelmed and want to die.

12. Feeling that I believe these thoughts, but I don't want to it is strange.

13. Fear of becoming or already became a nihilist and will suicide.

14. Life is not worth living.

15. Suicide is the way to take control.

16. Life is hard.

17. Everything about future is a trigger.

18. I don't care if it is meaningless. >>>> then it counters me with all of the shit above.

19. Fear that I will finish like Chester.

20. Fear that I will become so hopeless/bored with everything and I will do it.

21. Feeling that I am already so hopeless and do it.

22. I fear that the littlest negative thing will drive me to it.

23. Fear that I am in Existential Crisis and will do it(I red somewhere that it is in top 15 reasons why people suicide.

24. Fear/feeling that I have some weird deathwish.

25. Fear that I want to do it.

26. Fear/feeling that this is what suicidal people feel when they do it.

27. I think I have treatment resistant Major Depression.(I have only 2-3 symptoms.)

So to sum it up. 3 Months later. I am constantly anxious (I think, there is a dark feeling that makes everything seem darker and pointless(including my life goals and life at all.) and is scary and makes butterflies in my stomach.)Everything seems pointless, I am constantly on reddit/Google trying to find answer/reassurance/ It feels like I am overwhelmed of life but at the same time I am not. The thoughts are still there. And this shit feels too damn real to be OCD. And there is a feeling that I will do it in the future which is (scary).

Also there is a feeling that something is draining me inside. :(

Everything feels pointless. Nothing brings me joy I am constantly over thinking. I feel like i lost myself, I feel that my life has changed tremendously, I feel like something died in me, I feel lost in life, Like I got through a door from my old life to now and now the door is closed and there is no turning back. Everything feels pointless and temporary, I feel like an alien to my self. It feels like something is draining me inside. I feel weird, like I realised that I am human being for the first time. Life feels short but at the same time long. My mind flipped over. How to get out of this shit?

P.S. I was diagnosed with OCD yesterday, I felt almost fine, then started doubting it and the pointless, overwhelmness and the other stuff came back. Is it possible for OCD to feel real/delusional? Am I missing university/avoiding work because of depression, not OCD, or just OCD fear of feeling overwhelmed or REALLY feeling overwhelmed? I can't tell.

2 Replies

Oh gosh I’m so sorry this is how you feel. I feel a lot of the same feelings, but I am fighting it with all I have inside. I am older, and never had any signs other than gloomy days here and there when I was younger. I just refuse to believe my life will end like this. I like to think it is menopause, and it will pass.

Who diagnosed you with ocd? Maybe you should show your doctor this post? And did the dr prescribe medication for you? I hope you keep posting here. We can get through this together.

ttonev profile image
ttonev in reply to Lostjoy

What do you think it is?

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