Every moment feels like I am hanging on to the edge of a cliff by my fingertips

This is one of the most difficult times in my entire life. I have my faith(it is weak, but it is there), I have hope, I have a beautiful family, I have purpose, I have so much beauty in and around me...so many blessings. Why is my body doing this to me? What am I not grasping...what information am I missing...what am I not getting...what am I holding on so tightly to, what am I refusing to see within myself? I know God is calling me close to him since my faith got broken, but when will it get better friends? I am ok, I am keeping positivity and love inside, but to be honest I am truly so sad about all this. I feel like it will never end...I know better, but it is truly exhasusting. Every single day. I gotta keep going, that's for sure, but I am so exhausted. Well, my friends, my love is with us all. Thanks for listening.

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  • Hi Stay_strong85, I've been where you are. Six years of waking up to fear and terror. Everyone around me pulling away. No one understood. Never felt so alone as well as so scared. Fear upon fear literally drained the life out of me. Afraid of everything but not knowing why. It was like something took over my rational way of thinking. I was lost. When medicine no longer worked, I used therapy, lots of therapy. That became my lifeline knowing at least my therapist was there for me. Finally one day, everything we had talked about through the years clicked. From that moment, I knew I was going to be okay. It's hard to explain but it was like a light went off in my brain. Everything now made sense. The negative thoughts got turned off. Positive reinforcement took over. Later I finally learned to accept that my symptoms from anxiety were not dangerous. I was back in control. It's been 2 years now where I can confidently say I have my life back. It just takes time but eventually it will all work out. Take care x

  • Thank you so kindly for sharing that...gives me tons of hope. If you can do it so can I.

  • Believe me dear, I was real bad. Cried everyday for 6 years straight. Was hospitalized for severe anxiety from there came home and became Agoraphobic. I thought the nightmare would never end. But it did and it will for you as well. Somewhere in you is that strong person who will once again emerge. Believe x

  • These words have really helped me too :) thank you

  • Your responses are amazing i would like to learn more on how u over come anxiety was it just the fact that u accepted your symptoms that u were no longer afraid of them?

  • Oh I am still in the fight. Still suffering...just learning to adjust.

  • We have got to fight a good fight there are days i feel like giving up but we cant we have got to ride it out.

  • Exactly!๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿค—

  • Cwoods, Thank you, I'm glad you like my responses. They are true experiences that I went through and want to share with others. Acceptance was the very last thing on my list of learned techniques in how to deal with anxiety. It's difficult to accept something until you are convinced of what you are accepting. Each one of us is different in knowing what will work. It's really a matter of trial and error. For me the turning point was my getting off of long time use of benzos. The time had come for me to rid my body and brain from chemicals. I looked into it and researched it before deciding. With the help of my psych doctor and my determination, I slowly weaned off the meds. It was pure hell coming down off the benzos (even slowly). After being off, it still took another year or so to stop having the anxiety symptoms. That's when that "light" turned in my brain and I knew I was going in the right direction. From that time on, I was able to accept any symptom that might come along and just push it aside. Nothing bothers me anymore. My mind can no longer scare me. So Cwoods, find what works for you and then go for it.

  • Hi Agora, what kind of Benzos were you on and how many, or mg a day? I am only asking because I use lorazapam for panic attacks only as needed. But I am scared to use them often because of how I heard they are very addictive. I really need therapy but have to wait on income. I am just so frustrated, i wish my family had compassion or sympathy for me but they really don't.

  • Hi Stay_strong85, Unfortunately we can wish all we want for someone to understand and feel for us but it doesn't happen. Anxiety is one of those disorders that the longer it goes on, the lonelier you feel. Family & friends cannot understand something they can't see. It is frustrating because our mind is telling us something is wrong.

    As for the Benzos I was on, try 20 plus years on Xanax 0.25mg daily. When that no longer worked, I was put on Ativan. The highest dose possible done in a hospital setting. I don't remember much of that time because I slept away each day. I was brought down to a safer dose before going home. The fact is after being on Xanax, nothing worked for me. So why take anything was my rationale? It was then I wanted off benzos. Not easy but it opened up the doors to my getting well. No longer drugged, able to move forward and accept life, accept anxiety. Never again to go back to that nightmare. Hope this helps some.

  • Yes thank you. I feel the same too, I don't want to rely on meds but I do take them when I have to.

  • I suffer agoraphobia...badly and that is what is putting even more pressure on me. I am suffocating stuck in this house especially with the circumstances. And no one to help me. I know I have to rely on myself...but I feel angry not confident.

  • Stay_strong85, I thought the anxiety was bad but put that with agoraphobia and you have a nightmare. I too was stuck in the house for 5 years after getting out of the hospital. At first, it wasn't too bad, watching movies, relaxing etc. I had doctors and nurses come to me including lab tests, ultrasounds and EKGs. This is when I realized I was being taken over by my fears. Like you I was scared and I was suffocating as well as not feeling I would ever get out again. That frustration turned into anger. Anger that I was not going to live the rest of my days stuck in this house. That's when anger worked to my benefit. Use that as a motivation to heal, to move forward. It will happen when you have had enough of this insanity.

    One day at a time, it will happen.

  • I will be giving it a try sometimes its hard but i wont give up

  • That's all that matters is not giving up. I am struggling soooo much but I am finding my way little by little. I refuse to give up on myself. I am beyond frustrated, but I do not want to leave this world scared or angry or lost. We have to love us! And fake it til we make it!โ˜บ๐Ÿ˜šI know it is hard, but let's keep going.

  • That's brilliant, I can only hope that happens to me, I am frightened of what seems,like everything, even food and don't want to eat. What therapy did you have, I am finding CBT privately as 2 years waiting list on NHS.

  • Angela15, Like I always say, everybody responds to different ways of resolvng their anxiety issues. I really did it all. CBT was difficult for me at the time. It took some work on my part and I wasn't ready to put any effort in it. I really got a lot out of listening to relaxation tapes and deep breathing. Over and over again each and every day. First thing in the morning, last thing at night. Mid day I would go on YouTube and listen to audio relaxation and deep breathing videos for 10-15 minutes. Constantly bombarding my mind with relaxing messages from these tapes. Hypnosis through tapes as well as in person. Since I was agoraphobic, there was a lot of phone therapy, like every day. I was fortunate to have a therapist who never charged me for my portion of her bill. She would just accept what the insurance would pay. I truly believe having that to my advantage helped pull me out of this sea of fear. My psych doctor use to tell me that I was lost in the middle of the ocean looking for the shoreline and unable to see the horizon. That was exactly how I felt. I knew I didn't want to stay out there, I wanted to get better. So every one responds to a different drummer. Once you find what makes you feel comfortable, use that technique to get yourself to shore.

    My best.

  • You wrote a post telling my exact feelings and life. What are you symptoms? I feel nervous, sick, weak, shaky, tired, unmotivated, and then I have panic attacks sometimes. I have everything to live for and so much beauty around me. However, I sit in bed feeling defeated. I know! What aren't we getting? I am determined tomorrow to get out and about and exerise some. I want to try and eat, but my constant anxiety has given me painful indigestion and it is painful to eat. One more thing. Damn it. I am hoping for peace and happiness for you. I see a doc next week and i am pondering if i should take a week off of work to see some docs and work on myself. That, however, makes me feel guilty and dumb and weak. Again, one more thing. I want to be calm and happy and look forward to life. instead, i dread all upcoming events knowing I will barely function during them and be a pain in the ass to others. Thanks for listening,

  • That's exactly how I feel and was, but it finally caught up to me and everything literally took a turn for the worse and I had to give up my much loved 11 year career as of Dec. 2015. Didn't want to accept I couldn't function anymore, so I got another job in my career a couple months later, collapsed on the job the second day so badly I now have agoraphobia. You are so lucky to be able to work. I used to go on road trips alone, and more. Fully confident and happy. Not anymore. But I do have hope. I really do. Thank you for your response.

  • Please please buy that DARE book it will help you so much You say why is your body doing this to you all the answers and practical help is there It has an app for your phone with audio relaxation methods you get email motivation with it Please you have nothing to lose only your dreadful symptoms Get out on that bicycle too

    You know we are all here for you

    Take care my lovely xxxxx

  • I already have the app, it didn't do wonders, but I will still try it anyway. Any positive reinforcement is good. Thank you. I haven't been able to buy my bicycle yet. I will as soon as I can. Thanks again. โ˜บ

  • You must be really strong and start being assertive with your family What's the worst that can happen if you were to say I really need your support as I am not well ? You mustn't allow them to do this to you If you stood up to them it would stop

    You can do it in a kind way although they aren't being kind to you

    Im afraid it's ignorance on their part

    They are bullies I'm sorry to say that

    You must think of YOU if it's only words they can't hurt you Please don't let them do this anymore x

  • Well the hard part is every time I do reach out they victimize themselves. Like mom for instance, today she told me to stop picking on her when I simply asked her, "why have you never been on my side or supportive? " She turned it into I am picking on her. I am the family scapegoat. They have zero want to help me or care. According to them I am just this terrible, pitiful person that no one likes.

  • Then say nothing I have 3 grown up sons and if they were to act quiet and withdrawn I'd be worried sick I don't mean you do the silent treatment on them just be you but not engage in any conversations to do with your panic just withdraw a bit Unless your mum has a heart of stone she will start to worry I cannot believe the way they make you feel If I ever behaved like that to my boys they would have every right to disown me

    From today be nice but be quiet and focus totally on you You are all that matters

    Your mum sounds like she is going to go on the defensive every time and not throw her arms round you and apologise

    There is a saying that I think is very true If you can't change things - change the way you think about them

    You aren't going to change them so stop engaging with them over your panic They aren't helping so you have nothing to lose x

  • I know my problem is I let it get to me so badly so I say something. Ugh...I know I need to keep quiet. You are right. ๐Ÿ˜ง ๐Ÿ˜ขI will keep quiet, cause so far every time I open my mouth or engage, they attack me.

  • I will give you a little example our eldest son got to that horrible teenage bit where they get all stroppy I used to argue as it used to wind me up and for a couple of years it was a battle Not for him as he was the one winning it but for me Luckily he got over it and went back to being his beautiful lovely self Now when my second son got to that age I told myself I'm not going through that again So any sign of it I just walked away into another room I never inflamed the situation and it worked he and our youngest son never gave me a moments upset All because I wouldn't let myself get drawn into it Our grandson is 13 he has just started and I see my eldest son arguing and its making it worse So step back don't bite just smile and withdraw xxxx

  • Thank you for sharing that. I know that because I engage I mess it all up for me. I just want to keep quiet from here on. I just want them to like me even though I suffer from this. I wish they would hug me every once in awhile at least. But their excuse is it is all my fault.

  • Right well look they aren't going to change their ways right now so you change your thinking It's silence from now on don't engage put a rubber band round your wrist and every time you feel like you are going to retaliate just ping it Say no to yourself I guarantee they will hug you They don't know how to help you or to understand so the only way they have is making you feel you are a nuisance

    Start right now this is a new beginning Then you can tackle the anxiety but you need to address this problem first

    Go for it You have your faith that God will save you but you have to save yourself too xx

  • ๐Ÿ˜ŸThank you for helping me. I was losing it over here. Everything you are saying makes sense to me. I appreciate it...very much. ๐Ÿ˜ถ

  • They always say the same about bullies if you ignore them as hard as it is they will give up

    You know - they don't deserve a lovely person like you

    Let me know how it goes xx

  • Thank you. I am starting today a new. Rubber band and all. And not going to give my family anymore ammunition from this day forward.

  • Good for you Today is the first day of the rest of your life No more ammunition like you say Is it Thanksgiving this Thursday? I hope its a happy one for you xxx

  • Thank you. Happy Thanksgiving. ๐Ÿฆƒ๐Ÿ˜™

  • I am so severely exhausted of being the outcast of my family...they have never liked me. Oh well...thank you kindly. I hope God does save me because it is very hard to not be deeply angry inside.

  • Yes be angry on the inside but don't show it They will have nothing to respond to if you aren't giving them any bait

    Talk to us on here vent your anger and say how you feel Them nothing just quietly getting on with your day xx

  • Tried the app again today, it helped. I will get the book. ๐Ÿ˜ถ๐Ÿ˜Š

  • I hope it helps it did for me You take care I know you can beat this x

  • Your post says so much of how i feel i pray we can all over come this vicious anxiety.

  • We WILL. โ˜บ

  • Thanks for sharing. Anxiety and depression are taxing to say the least! What has come up for me, is the need to have everything running smoothly around me. I also have this innate force, driving me to control my surroundings. I am more in my head trying to find answers rather than allowing situations and actions to merely exist. I constantly want to have the answers to life's questions. Fact is, there may not be answers to be had. Maybe I am creating more than what's actually present. One thing I've been taught and working on is asking these questions...

    Is this feeling that I have caused by something factual or an event?

    What evidence do I have to back this up?

    Anyway, hope that helps a bit.

    In the meantime, look for strength in our Higher Power. Ask for release and support of burdens from God, Archangel Michael, Guides, and Ascended Masters. Ask for assistance in trusting their intervention and healing powers. Submit and release the power of these feelings over to them. Picture pure white light filling your body from above, passing through your crown and ascending through your feet passing into Mother Earth. This white light and energy fills that which was previously darkened.

    Be well.

  • Really feel like giving up thinking of different ways to end it all but don't know whether I can go through with it, don't want to eat anymore.

  • Hi, hey guess what...I wanna give up too, but you know why I won't....ever...because I know in my heart that my life is so much more than this! I matter! I have purpose. It is not about how many times or how you get knocked down...it's simply that you get back up. And we need to get back up every single time no matter how hard because that is how important we need to be to ourselves. If you could see what I am facing over here and in here, you would be surprised I even try anymore. God is on our side no matter what. I am on your side!

  • Hi

    To my mind, the title of your post offers the biggest clue as to why you continue to suffer, except that it isn't a cliff you are hanging on to, it is anxiety. Loosen that grip and let yourself fall. Let go of the anxiety. Nothing bad will happen to you. Also, it seems that you are also looking for answers as to why you feel the way you do. In my opinion, there is no answer other than you have anxiety which creates anxious thoughts and feelings or lots of negative energy. You are waging war against yourself and a war you cannot win so why continue to fight it? Give up the fight which will cut off the energy driving all those negative thoughts and feelings and starve it to death.

    Anxiety magnifies ALL emotions tenfold which means your worries and thoughts (about anything and everything) become hugely irrational and the physical symptoms of anxiety take over and you become locked in fear and panic or the fear-adrenaline-fear cycle. It can feel like the symptoms come first and the mind then goes off in search of a reason or reasons to accompany the feelings. The thing is, it won't find anything because there isn't anything to find.

    An anxious mind will create anxious thoughts or worries that don't exist. It is just a way of the anxiety/negative energy releasing itself. It is important to understand this because you will learn that the fears/worries are just a manifestation of anxiety which will help you to see them for what they really are. Fictional, totally bogus, not real!!! Anxious thoughts feed your emotions and your emotions feed the thoughts and very easy to fall into the trap and get stuck in the anxiety cycle if you continue to believe the anxious thoughts. Sufferers think they need to do something about those thoughts, such as trying to escape them but the opposite is true in that the thoughts are simply trying to escape from you but you won't let them because you keep trying to do something about them.

    The way to recover is to allow your mind to create all those irrational thoughts, allow your mind to conjure up anything it wants (it will do it anyway), allow your mind to race but detach yourself from them, safe in the knowledge that they are not real. As I've said in previous posts, just be an observer to the thoughts where you are not seeing them as real but as a symptom of anxiety. By allowing (or accepting) the thoughts to come, without challenge and not getting involved through worry and fear, you cut off the fuel supply the anxiety needs to keep going. It is the belief a sufferer attaches to a thought which creates the reaction, not the thought itself. Just let all the anxious thoughts pass through without resistance and they will gradually fade away because you have stopped adding worry/fear which keeps the anxious thoughts alive.

    Allowing it all to happen is not a technique because you aren't doing anything. You are simply allowing all that stored up negative energy to be released by not getting in the way. Getting in the way just makes it worse and prolongs the agony because you are fighting with yourself to control (e.g. distraction or other ways to stop the thoughts and feelings coming) suppress the release of this energy when it just needs to be released.

    During recovery, you are bound to have setbacks. They are part of the recovery process and completely normal under the circumstances. I lost count, not because of the number (there were quite a few), it was mainly because I gave up bothering, I gave up trying to find recovery. A setback is just another release of negative energy and dealt with in the same way as described above.. The sooner you realise that feeling bad is actually good because it is energy finding its way out through those anxious thoughts and feelings, the sooner you will be on the road to recovery. It is tough but just ride the storm until it passes.

    If there are any doubts about anxiety being a build up of energy, do some exercise, go to the gym and work up a sweat and get the heart pumping for a while and see how you feel after it. Exercise is a good way to burn off all that excess energy. After exercise, my mind and body was calm which helped me to see that it was the anxiety driving all the thoughts and feelings and weren't real.

    Knowing and understanding the above which I gained from the teachings of Dr Claire Weekes and visiting a website called Anxiety No More helped me through this process. I understood that my thoughts and fears were totally irrational and that no harm would come to me. I also learned not to get upset about setbacks because I knew it was part of the process and just another release of negative energy. Don't cling on to the good days because this just sets you up for a fall (thinking that you have recovered) as it takes time for all that negative energy to be released. You may think and feel that you have lost all progress and another reason why people remain stuck. This couldn't be further from the truth so don't be upset when it happens. Over time, these setbacks will diminish in strength and frequency so long as you keep practising acceptance (which does get easier).

    For me, trying to get rid of or alleviate my anxiety didn't work. Exercise gave me temporary relief after burning off all the energy but without acceptance, it kept coming back. At first, I used various techniques (counsellors, exercise, meds, hypnotherapy, meditation etc etc) to try and get rid of my anxiety but they never worked because my attitude was wrong but didn't know it at the time. It was only through Dr Claire Weekes and the website mentioned above that I realised where I was going wrong. I was doing everything not to feel anxious. A natural emotion but grossly exaggerated through continuos stress and fear I put myself under worrying about it which had sensitised my nerves that control the emotions.

    In my opinion, recovery does not lie in temporary relief or use of techniques to suppress the anxiety. Recovery lies in educating yourself about anxiety and then using the knowledge to let go and feel it. Feeling it all at will was tough but I learned not to keep resisting it because I knew that this was my golden ticket to be free from anxiety.

    Hope this helps

    Beevee

  • Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of that. I am struggling to accept so much in my life right now to be honest.

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