Well this is utterly f**king horrendous...

[Cherry_mvff]

Man oh man what a couple of days... I always say this but seriously, this is going to be an EXTREMELY long one ;L I'll start off with a "brief" rundown of Friday afternoon.

The very inevitable finally happened. After 20 months of pretty much non-stop sh*t, I completely and utterly lost it.

Was on the way home from my routine fortnightly visit to my friend's house, when I started getting that familiar breathless feeling. My friend's Mum was driving me home as she always does. Luckily me and her are also great friends and she has always been extremely supportive of any issue I've had! We were about 20 minutes from my town when things started escalating VERY quickly. As breathing and focusing became more and more difficult, I started getting tingling/ pins and needles in my fingers, lips and legs, which quickly took over both of my hands and my whole head. Next thing I know my arms and legs are going numb/ limp feeling and my muscles felt almost completely useless. Completely lost feeling in my lips as well, to the point where drinking from the bottle of water I had became nearly impossible. Naturally I started REALLY freaking out, despite help from my mate's Mum. My breathing then went comPLETELY mental like I've never felt before. Like, classic text book cartoon style hyperventilation which I literally had 0 control over. Felt like 400 elephants were sat on my chest/ stomach, neck. During all of this I was shaking more and more aggressively, which again was completely out of my control. By the time this all peaked I had a tremor throughout my entire body. Hands, shoulders, head, torso and legs. Seriously looked like I was having a full blown seizure. It was all way too much.

We pulled over in a town about 10 miles from home, and after a few seconds of trying to calm down, I decided "f*ck this" and with what little control I had left of my body uttered the word "ambulance".

Within 10 minutes the paramedic arrived, by which time thank F*CK everything had slightly worn off to the point where I could communicate again and had managed to move to the back seat where I sat on the edge if the seat with my legs out the door trying to regain sort my breathing out.

The medic was an absolute legend with a very me-esque sense of humor (as by this time I was doing my typical "make light of literally ANY situation" thing ;L) and was immediately very understanding. After asking a few questions, he checked my oxygen sats (continuously throughout the whole process), blood sugar, blood pressure, temperature, reflexes, listened to my chest and back and did 2 ECGs in the car. All, COMPLETELY, prefect!

I thanked him massively for helping me out and off we went! Besides feeling a tad spaced out and weirdly pumped, I felt really good. Such a huge reassurance and relief! I'd called my Mum and told her what had happened and she was as always incredibly supportive and understanding when I got home. We were even laughing about it all by the evening! I called my Dad later aswell who came and saw me for a bit which was ace and by that night I was better than ever! The paramedic had e-mailed my doctor as well about arranging for me to see some speciallists for more medical checks simply for my reassurance which I'm hugely excited about as in general I'm still lacking a lot of physical assessments which I'm sure is why I just can't shake this off! He was actually quick shocked to hear that aftre nearly two years I'd only had an ECG and a couple blood tests! Went to sleep that night feeling awesome, and soent the whole of yeaterday feeling pretty damn good as well!

TODAY however, has been a very different story. Got up, had breakfast and a chat with Mother, played some guitar, arranged tomorrow night for my Dad's birthday, everything was all completely fine and then BAM. Back to f*cking square one. In fact beyond square one, as I now out of nowhere since about 3 hours ago, feel like complete sh*t.

Came on all of a sudden mid video game session with that good ol' mega lightheaded feeling which I haven't actually had in a while and next thing you know I'm face down on my bed shaking and breathing way too hard. Obviously this is nothing compared to Friday which I think and HOPE will forever be the most terrifying experience of my life. But it's really not fun.

I feel extremely weird right now like I really haven't felt before. I can breathe fine and my heart rate is only slightly elevated (although it went crazy when I stood up) but my WHOLE body feels tingly and weak 😩😩 Had a similar thing about this time last year but with more classic anxiety symptoms (which you can read about in a previous post.) Even as I'm writing this on my phone, I feel like I have VERY little control of my fingers/ thumbs. Every muscle in my body feels utterly useless and limp. I feel completely spaced out and dizzy and have this mega intense deep tickly/ tingly feeling throught my entire body which almost feels like a kind of euphoria but VERY unpleasant. Everytime I move I get super lighheaded and flustered and this tingly churny feeling in my chest and stomach feels worse. My Mum's been helping me out and I've spoke to my Dad on his break which has made me feel a tad better but this horribe weak/ dead feeling just will not subside. I'm SO so close to calling an Ambulance again and insisting they take me in 'cause I'm completely and utterly done with this shit ESPECIALLY after feeling so damn good after friday afternoon! I know I've got more tests and therapy coming up but I really can't wait any more! Even speaking feels f*cking weird. I'm utterly determined to not miss my Dad's birthday meal tomorrow as I'm mega excited but Jesus Christ I'm terrified that I'm going to feel like this in frontof like half of my entire family!

I just need help getting through today basically. The usual reassurance etc. Obviously what happened on friday was a massive massive magnitude 10 category 5 panic attack (the paramedic seemed very certain anyway) so that's fine, but this feeling I have now is just awful, very new and very scary. If anyone's felt like this before please please let me know! Thanks to anyone who took 5 hours out of their day to actually read this rant of doom! ;L Much love x

[Icanbeathis2016]

Wow. So i have to ask, so what happened to you in the car was a panic attack? And you were diagnosed with anxiety or just told you have anxiety? I know i can relate to how one minute you can seem to be doing ok and out of nowhere start feeling week, or chills, stomach feel upset, for me i get even indigestion or burning sensation in the stomach, vision gets wierd, wierd head sensations, and there more. But i know it makes me wanna call for an ambulance too but i try so hard to tell myself its supposed to only be anxiety.

[Cherry_mvff in reply to Icanbeathis2016]

Thankyou for responding and sorry to hear you're going through this too! The paramedic seemed basically 100% confident that it was a panic attack. My vitals, blood sugar, oxygen level and ECG were perfect only minutes after the main peak so I guess it must have been! I think it only got so damn bad 'cause A: I was "trapped" in a car with no immediate escape and B: I'd never had a full on attack before and had NO IDEA they could be so intense! I have been diagnosed with Health Anxiety/ Hypochondria (December 2015) and Hyperventilation Syndrome (a few weeks ago) but I really don't feel (and neither did the medic) that I've had enough done to rule out anything that could be causing it! Hopefully that'll change soon as the paramedic emailed my doctor about having more tests done to reassure me and possibly find a physical cause (although luckily he thought it was highly unlikely that they'd find anything!)

[Agora1 in reply to Cherry_mvff]

Hi Cherry_mvff, I would agree with the paramedic in that what you experienced was a Panic Attack which is more intense than an Anxiety Attack. however it is shorter in duration. Once all the vitals are perfect and things settle down, it can be pretty much assumed that this is what happened. I also agree that being trapped in the car made in worse. The ER/Medics will always suggest a follow up visit with your primary which will probably assure you that is was a Panic Attack.

I think what you are experiencing today is a case of the "what if" this happens at your dad's birthday, you don't want to embarrass yourself. That thought of the "what ifs" is enough to bring on free floating anxiety that allows the adrenaline in your body to not completely go away and causes these weird sensations.

Using some relaxation and deep breathing techniques can help quiet down your mind and body. Check out YouTube on that...don't wait until you are actually in an anxiety attack but use it as a way to keep in control.

Hope your dad has a great birthday tomorrow. Enjoy the celebration of his special day.

[Icanbeathis2016 in reply to Agora1]

Hi Agora1

[Icanbeathis2016 in reply to Icanbeathis2016]

Its always nice to see a response from you. You seem so much wiser in these situations assuming you've been through this enough. I wanted to ask because you mentioned how the what ifs can bring on free floating anxiety. So does that pretry much mean that the what ifs can be the same as stress or worries basically? Because my biggest thoughts about my issues as to why my anxiety will constantly linger is because im always questioning and dping the what ifs in my mind and always thinking a million things. So is this considered stress to which can keep me anxious? And also when you mention about adrenaline that goes through our body that causes the wierd sensations. Does the adrenaline feeling have to necessarily be felt. Can adrenaline be going through the body without feeling that rush or wave going?

[Icanbeathis2016 in reply to Cherry_mvff]

Wow. Ok. I had panic attacks that some were mild and ive had a few that i would consider worse than others. Not what you've explained but it was bad enough to me. I guess for some people they experience their symptoms different and it makes people react different. Man i guess i haf no idea either that it could be so intense as to what you've experienced. I wasnt diagnosed with Health anxiety but i know for sure i have it. I get scared about every single feeling ache or anything going on in my body. Hopefully your test will give you the reassurance that you need. I wish the best for us.

[Cherry_mvff]

Agora1 and Icanbeathis2016 Thanks again fir responding and sorry I'm late getting back! You really helped me through sunday, literally half an hour after posting this I felt absolutely fine! Anyway, I'm about to post about how Monday went so keep an eye out for that. Spoiler alert: it wasn't exactly as successful as I'd hoped... Dad had an ace day though thanks Agora (despite what happened) and thankyou very much for the wishes! x

[Agora1 in reply to Cherry_mvff]

Will be watching for your post update...

[Cherry_mvff in reply to Agora1]

It's up now!

[Agora1 in reply to Cherry_mvff]

Thanks..