Hurting

I'm 53, I feel so sick all the time....I wake up between. 4-5am every morning feeling like every problem or pain i have is right in my face and magnified times 10...my husband had cancer, i am terrified that I have it too! I am afraid of everything. ...I'm a nurse which makes all of this more difficult as i am suppose to take care of everyone else! But I cant even take care of me.....i feel like a sick, pitiful petrified, dying, rapidly aging utter failure....everyday i feel consumed by pain, sickness, fear, failure, unattainable expectations from others, and like i am dying every day. I am supposedly on vacation this week just to relax and get myself together but I feel worse than ever....i feel a big ugly mistake and like i am going to die a painful horrible humiliating death, with no dignity and exposed for the fraud i believe i am....i could go on and on but it would do myself and whoever reads this no good...so sorry

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  • I'm so sorry you are going through this, I suffer with terrible health anxiety actually crying as I write. I pray a lot. And I had a colonoscopy and egd and they said it's colitis and I'm on pills but I read about it scares me . I keep checking my chart because I drive the doctors nuts with questions. I'm feeling depressed and not normally a depressed person. All I can say is keep busy to occupy your mind and keep obsessive thoughts out.

  • I suffer with healthy anxiety too, if it's not one thing it's another. I've diagnosed myself with so many different cancers and life limiting illnesses it's unreal. I convince myself I have an illness so much that I start to get pain that relates to the Illness I am getting. I can't sleep at the moment either, I have another illness which could potentially ruin my life at the moment and I am getting my results tomorrow, my anxiety is through the roof! You're not alone.

  • I think the best place to start is trying to eliminate all the self doubt and negative feelings to have toward your self. I struggle with the same feelings. If you can conquer your self you can control the rest of the problems that come with depression and anxiety.

  • Thank you for your response, it sounds so easy to say, "ok self we are going to change my thinking today".......but you know it's not that easy or we all would all be cured of fear, anxiety and depression.....I just don't have the confidence to do it......It hits me at my most vulnerable moments, when I am asleep! It wakes me up at 4am every morning, and it's like a voice in my head that says " You're done, your dead, you're defeated!" Every horrible and negative thought invades my sleep, creeps into my head, and it starts all over again.....I'm so fearful that I can't even write down all the terrible things that wake me out of my sleep, like some kind of nightmare, and has me convinced that it's real.....and this is how I govern my life, according to these frightening thoughts.......which of course manifests physically as well, because I feel sick all the time! I apologize for this rant, but now that I know someone out there is listening it feels cathartic just to share this scary existence of mine with someone who might understand......

  • Hi LeeAnn0683, They say, people in the medical profession make the worst patients because they know too much for their own good. The fact that your husband had Cancer feeds into your fear of everything. You may be a nurse but once anxiety hits home all rational thoughts go out the window. I've never heard anyone use so many negative adjectives to describe themselves. It is not doing you any good to think this way about yourself. Would you ever have thought of one of your patients like this? I hardly think so. As a nurse, you do know that you must start with a complete physical to rule out any medical issues before assuming this is anxiety. It certainly sounds like some therapy might help you regain your self esteem back. Anxiety knows no distinction among man/woman, young/old, doctor/lawyer, mom/nurse etc. It can happen to anyone at anytime for many reasons.

    When our thoughts are overwhelmed with life events, it can't help but spill over into physical ailments. It doesn't have to mean death but rather time for some re-evaluation of our lives. I hope you get some help. This is your time to be your own advocate. You have what's in you to be a good nurse, now it's time to take care of you. Nurses need "TLC" too. x

    We are here to comfort and care for each other. Using the forum is a good start.

  • Agora1,

    Wow! I think you may have hit the nail on the head.....I cannot argue anything you said, I spend so much of my time taking care of others, and feeling overwhelmed and exhausted in every way. I do need to get help. Thank you for your kind and helpful words.

  • LeeAnn0683, All my life I've been in the medical profession. By my choice, wasn't forced into it. As rewarding as it is, it's also demanding. When anxiety hit me, I was lost for a long time. Like you I thought, wait a minute, I'm suppose to be saving patients not being one. I completely pulled away from everyone during that time. Doctors and therapists kept asking me where this strong person had gone to. Deep down LeeAnn, I knew it was there, I just had to find a way to now nurture myself instead of the patients.

    It worked for me and it will work for you. Unless we take care of ourselves, we have nothing to give others. Now is the time to use your training for yourself. I am here to support you through this as well as the wonderful people on this forum. Keep strong, keep positive and start going forward. You will be okay. xx

  • Agora1, you are almost telling my story......I come from a family of nurses, my Dad, Mom, sisters, my daughter, nieces, and myself. I think I have seen too much sickness. I've been a nurse for 35 years, and it seems that our patients are sicker, and you probably already know why that is happening without me saying......I'm starting to feel the pressure, as a seasoned nurse, to "keep up"......I feel overwhelmed at work and at home.....I do try to pamper myself sometimes, try to take nature walks or power walks, get a massage every once in a while but sometimes I just want to run away.....from sickness, demands, and I just feel like nothing or no one is real or honest anymore.....I thought social media might be helpful, but I found it to be mainly pretentious and anything but helpful,so I quit that ( so glad)......Sorry to go off the reservation, you have been so kind and helpful......I will try to take your suggestions and put them into action for myself.....Thank you so much

  • :) x

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