Anxiety almost all my life

[JTK101]

Hi I'm 18 years old still suffering since the age of 8 I've only been getting worse since I didn't get the grades at gcse or college to go to the uni I wanted. I have no friends to support me (used to have some all of them left me for other people) I was bullied emotionally and online I felt helpless and had no one to turn to (still don't have anyone) I have other problems as I am a lesbian and transgender which is probably may be weird for some of you to hear my parents are homophobic and transphobic and know nothing about me,my suffering or how I feel. I'm often pressured to get a job,do well at school but I just fail constantly I have an autistic brother who seems to hate seeing my face I have no freedom at home I can't come downstairs so I'm all alone in my room. I cry every night and self harm but it just doesn't seem like enough to relieve me. I really wanted to go university but gcse just didn't go my way I was previously a good student though I had anxiety I was an A* in physics and A in mathematics and Bs in other subjects but I dropped the maths grade down to C grade one mark of a B since then I've become worse I can't do the A levels I want anymore. I was forced to do subjects I hated I have attempted suicide but always failed when I began to try to kill myself. Life's gonna get worse since I can't have what I want to do in life. That is architecture. I have no chance since I'm not worthy. I'm becoming lower,feeling uglier,dumber, more stupid and useless than ever. I have no aspirations or motivation to go on with life. What should I do?

Oh yeah and anxiety is a issue since I can't talk properly with anyone I tend to stay away from people since I've been hurt far too many times. I seriously can't wait to die. When is a killer gonna come through my window and stab me what a beautiful day that would be for me.

[Anxiouspony12]

I think you need somebody to understand you! Your very young still! I'm older but still going through some stuff! I think you need to do what I have done find a passion! I have kept going cos I sing and design and write! I also selfie model! I'm not typical either! I'm a emo scene goth who is pale with dark hair and tattoos! And I sing death metal not very girly! I go against the typical male metal image! But I do alright! Be yourself! ! Trust me if you find your passion. And follow your heart you will find the right people! I had very abusive relationship with a man and I went through rehab and therapy and come out of it stronger! I'm now inspiring people. Something I never thought I could do! Nothing wrong with you! You be yourself! It's ok to be different! I used to bleach my hair and try to tan but it wasn't for me! Now I'm happy to be my dark haired pale self! And I get more respect for that! All girls are beautiful it's society that is ugly! And good you realise self harm doesn't help! You sound very wise for your age! Listen to music or come on here to talk before you self harm! You are only young and have whole life ahead of you! Find your passsion! My family hated me being a singer in metal music and me wanting tattoos and being an artist now they see it's not a phase and I'm sticking with it they support me. And my best friend is autistic and sad to say they can't help being that way they tend to overreact to normal things. I have ADHD which is in autism spectrum and I'm very emotional but can control myself but autistic people can't do that. So ignore him.

[JTK101 in reply to Anxiouspony12]

thank you for all that you have said. But theres one problem: my parents will probably kick me out if I'm myself-which is being lesbian and trans (since i was born into a muslim family i have quite a crazy life of do this do that or don't do that,I'm tired of being muslim sometimes i wish i wasn't born one coz once you are one you feel trapped its like there is no escape since if you do leave the religion other muslims are ready probably sharpening their axes ready to take my life. (but of course I'm prepared for that)

[Savannah_claire_]

Aww!! I'm sorry to hear that. I understand that you feel misunderstood, and lonely. I feel that way a lot. You definitely need to go out and have fun! Go do something you enjoy. And you don't have any friends? I only have one. However you're stronger than you think. Maybe try opening up to your parents about who you are and see what they say. You need someone that understands and that is there with you! I'm sorry again and if you ever need to talk we can chat on the messages. I'm 19 years old and female. You're OK and definitely not alone!!

[JTK101 in reply to Savannah_claire_]

i used a backup in the past to open up to my parents by saying my friend was a lesbian, (though my parents don't know that I'm a total loner) my parents immediately snapped and said to never see her or else they'll disown me. so if i open up about myself it definitely isn't gonna end well. Thank you for the suggestion anyway.

[mysmugcat]

Hi. May I suggest you speak to a counsellor at college or advise a tutor that you need some help? You can also look up youth support services in your area. May I also recommend the website kooth.com for young people, it's excellent. You are not useless. Keep coming on here.

[JTK101 in reply to mysmugcat]

Thank you. I'll try that.