I wish I could be a live in the moment kind of person Im tired of the familiarity of living in fear I'm now afraid of brain tumor

[Andrea1915]

For the last month and a half I have been suffering incredible headaches the night it all started I had a aura migraine visual it was like being on some acid trip it was truly scary and it's the 8th time I have had it in 4 years since I was pregnant does anyone have experience with these types of "migraines" I don't really get a headache with them but I do get vomiting and excessive crying afterward. Ever since the episode I have had discomfort in my eyes and a headache I saw an eye dr and was dilated and everything looked fine. I saw my dr and when I told her of the visual aura thing she immediately said I needed an MRI which absolutely freaked me out! I ignored the order I'm extremely claustrophobic and have a real fear of MRI machines but with the anxiety I have suffered over this thought of omg what if I have a brain tumor! I broke down the other day and scheduled the test. A few days ago I started to notice that all of a sudden I got like numbness feelinb on the bottoms of both my feet and the last few toes it sent me into a panic I have now convinced myself that I have a brain tumor become hello I have a headache non stop 7 weeks and now numbness on the bottom of my feet what else could this be! I have been a mess I stay at home with a 3 year old and it's been so hard to take care of him the last few days because of the debilitating fear anxiety and what ifs that play over and over again inside my head I don't know what to do I guess at this point getting the test and knowing the inevitable is the only option whenever I have symptoms and I think of course the worst thing ever that it will be it's a very debilitating process for me and it affects my kids my husband and my parents so much a few months ago I was convinced I had pancreatic cancer and then that fear and thought went away along w the symptoms but something else always comes along and it's always CANCER!! My brother had a bad addiction to drugs he died of a heroin overdose today my parents told me that my problem with health anxiety stresses them out just as my brothers drug addiction did to them they said It's like the same thing that I'm addicted to these thoughts and being this way! I have been in the midst of health anxiety since I was a young teenager I am now 38 I have had every kind of cancer that was imaginable to me and the symptoms were there and very real it's a scary scary life to live with this mental illness I hope that someday I can change the way my mind wants to think stop the broken record from playing the same old shit year after year! My problem with this is very much inherited my nana and my grandfather both had extreme Heath anxiety it ruined their lives they both lived cancer free into their 90's I use to go when I was a teen and we didn't have the google search engine over to their houses and read their medical books to try and find that little ounce of something that made the anxiety subside for a single moment I had world book encyclopedias and when I thought I had aids for 6 years I would pull out the A book and read literally the 3/4 lines about aids/hiv I did it all the time looking for a reason to think I didn't have it I mean crazy crazy shit I did! And now I'm sitting here thinking I have a freaking brain tumor I was eating steak my husband made tonight and balling on the couch while we all eat as a family no one asked me if I was ok because everyone is so numb to this behavior but there I am in the middle of panic and fear strickened to the point that I don't know what to do with myself my thoughts I feel trapped and afraid and everyone just walks by and acts like oh that's just mom thinking she's dying of cancer! This is my life this is what needs to change for me and my family it's a mess it's a Terrible way to live and I do not know anyone that can relate with me a lot of times I suffer in silence until it gets really bad then I breakdown I will spend weeks in my room locked in here playing that broken record in my head instead of getting out of myself and going to do something else I choose to be in my room where I am safe and I won't Interact with my kids or husband or friends I become agoraphobia over night literally! I can't keep up this lifestyle it's a wasted life wasted time it will be what it will be and no amount of thinking will change that i wish to live in the moment to experience life around me fully And not only 20% of it and 80% in my head I don't even have memories of things because I'm always i my head with the what if's!

[1973m]

Aww lovely lady .. You are big step to living a better life, you recognise what's wrong , you have health anxiety !

You are doing the right thing rescheduling the mri scan but the eye doctor can also see a lot into the back of the eye and if there was anything that way untoward they would of referred you too.. So be reassured by that !

I know that migraine can be debilitating , causing numbness , flashing , sickness , muscle weekends .. Odd vision as well as excruciating pain where all you want is a dark quiet room .. Anxiety and stress will only enhance this and probably what you have now are cluster headache cause you are so worried..

I too used to think I had every cancer going it was a vicious circle once I got the ok from one thing I'd be straight onto another .. I've managed through self help books , some counciling ( private, and not cheap) but worth it , support of family and friends get over stuff .. I do try now to appreciate the moment and I'm trying very much to practice Mindfullness.. Maybe try looking into this ..?

Only you can stop your wandering mind , you are in control not anxiety .. You can beat this and live a happier life , you can it takes lots of will power and effort but you can beat it , it won't happen over night either .. But if you start to be more positive and say there's nothing wrong this is my health anxiety and it's just something I'm going to have to live with for now .. You will get better.. ( I'm 44, by the way) and pretty much felt just like you and I'm coming out the other side fighting ! X

[Andrea1915 in reply to 1973m]

Thank you for replying I'm so happy that you are trying to change things in your life to be more positive and accepting of the anxiety I find inspiration in that you said you are coming out the other side fighting I want to be able to say that one day and I know that this needs to change I cannot keep this up I found this YouTube videos and podcasts of someone called "the anxiety guy" I have been listening to him a lot and it's helping me understand more about myself and why I do what I do and how to take steps to conquer the anxiety and NATS I found a therapist I see next week who does cbt and focuses on health anxiety with patients so I'm excited to see her. And I'm definetly going to look into mindfulness thank you for your advice it means so much to me!

[RyRywifey]

Hi Andrea, I have to agree with 1973m, you are definitely suffering from health anxiety 😔I go thru the same exact thing every month to every 6 months, I too feared aids (even after testing negative AND being low risk for it at that smh) I also was afraid of brain tumor but then that changed to aneurysm smh had MRI and Cat Scan which came back perfect, headaches stopped soon after those results and when I started drinking more water. And I go thru this cycle fearing all types of cancer, which I'm dealing with one right now (throat cancer) I've been to the Dr about red patches in the back of my throat and he saidy throat just looks irritated but that scared me even more because I keep wandering what if he's wrong smh, on top of all of this, I've now developed health anxiety by proxy, meaning now I scan other people for shit like this, mainly my daughter (8) because I get so scared and afraid of anything being wrong smh it's extremely debilitating, EXTREMELY. I get on her nerves and my husbands, he constantly tells me this has to stop but it's really not easy like that. We both (you and I) need to see a therapist to get through this. It doesn't help that you can google and identical symptoms related to something so scary pops right up smh it's Terrible and it's a damn nightmare. I lose my appetite, I remain depressed all day, nothing can make me happy and I mope around with this fear in my mind with all these what ifs and it's all I can think about smh for a moment it feels good when that fear is gone and you're happy again, then here comes another. I can relate 100000%. I know exactly how you feel and I'm so sorry you're going through this too. We can get through this together. Im here if you ever need to chat or anything 🌸💕

[Andrea1915 in reply to RyRywifey]

You and me sound like one of the same kind! lol I had a total bought of thinokh I had throat cancer and kept flashlights in every bathroom and would look in my husband and daughters even friends throats constantly to compare mine to theirs! I once got 4 ent's to scope me one of which after he did the scope I said I need to you do that again to really make sure. At that time I thought I had a super rare cancer and was beside myself in fear the dr looked at me and said I know how to do my job I know you don't have this condition but I will do it again for that little girl right here so she can have her mom back! My daughter was 7 and in the room with me while I had the scope I was crying and going on and on and he could see that it was all mental with me and nothing really wrong physically of course but wow when I think Back the the craziness I have put myself and family through it's just unbelievable! Watch on yourube these videos made by this man he is called "the anxietyguy" it's been helping me instead of googling symptoms or patient stories I look at his many videos all related to his health anxiety he is now a cbt therapist and I truly relate to him more than anything! There's one video he talks about what it's like being with health anxiety on any particular day he sections it out morning noon and night and he is spot on I relate so much to his experience with this illness. I too also get the bad bad bought like 2 times a year I'm kinda always in my head thinking about something but still able to go out and do life but times like this when I'm totally convinced and the symptoms are so bad Is when it becomes debilitating I can't leave the house or eat or sleep or even talk to people I will give only short answers and not feel like I even know how to have a fluid conversation with someone. It's just all crazy we need to find a better way of expelling our energy in life then with this stuff it's exhausting and it takes over our lives and the people around us suffer to I am seeing a therapist on Tuesday someone who does cbt and deals directly with health anxiety so I'm happy about that I just want these kinds of days to stop the ones like you say mope around and do nothing but worry I hate it more than anything I want to live and enjoy the life I have now it's so frustrating constantly thinking about dying or having freaking cancer! It's just pointless right? We can fight this and live a happier life without the negative thought constantly Interupting our days I believe we can and we will we just have to figure out how to change the channel and get out of our comfort zones which as strange as it is health anxiety is all I know really since a young age this has been my life my mind is on auto pilot with these thoughts now after all these years and I realize that's why the problem is consistent until I change the way my mind wants to think I will not break through the anxiety all the dr's and test will not change anything it might make it better for a couple months but then there is always something else catastrophic right around the corner waiting to strike and then boom I'm debilitated again with fear it's a cycle and we are familiar with it our unconcious mind knows it all to well and that's why it keeps happening

[RyRywifey in reply to Andrea1915]

Yes we do sound like one in the same 😩 I'm still dealing with this fear of having throat cancer. It doesn't make it any better that my throat is now inflamed for whatever reason and I've been having strange pains in the front of my mouth under lip like right above my chin smh. I went to the Dr and he looked at my throat and said yeah it's just inflamed and everything else I told him he was just so nonchalant like yeah you don't need to worry at all unless your throat hurts so bad that you can't swallow at all and my throats doesn't hurt at all so he just sent me on my way and now I'm just like wtf?????? The worry I had isn't AS bad as it was before I went to him but it's STILL THERE!!!! I need to do CBT so bad but my mind keeps telling me this can't be anxiety, or what if this time it's the real thing I'm ignoring smh my mind is a damn maze that tortures me smh I hate it so much