Tough love

I have a 28 year old son acting like a spoilt 14 year old. My fault guilt has played a huge part but I have noticed he's very selfish even when he has money he doesn't think of his own family. Cruel to be kind. I ain't going to be there for him 24/7 anymore. I am not respected for it. I have had enough of being treated like a door mat.

I love him and this my cruel to be kind .


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13 Replies

  • If he is not harming you outside of your feeling allow him to do as he wills. Fighting will solve no things. Leave him be and if at a point he changes then he will come back. Love him and only worry if he is breaking universal Godly rules. Some people are selfish. Reacting in a negative way is placing all power to the acts that you believe to be wrong. The narative is learning not to give up your faculties of love based on your plan for a adult child. Is he a drug addict or gang member? Focus on thing you can control in yourself and do not hinge your happiness on what you want in others. Acceptance of good or bad is often the healthiest action. Best of luck

  • Wow yes your right.

    He does have a problem with Cannibus but when he isn't on it he becomes very stressed and fear he will harm himself or worse others.

    I think he's going to prison soon for driving whilst disqualified so hopefully he will change he went in prison for driving and not stopping and he came out such a nice guy. I think it's stress but he won't take the meds given him as they make him feel awful I tried telling him those feelings will pass but he does not listen.

    Thank you for your wise words

  • If your son is in trouble with the law please support and love him. I'm sure you do this already. Love uplifts and love enables. Remover you still need love for someone to not show support or love when they are doing wrong. Be like a banana firm on the outside and soft on the inside. Hope you are ok. God Bless

  • Take a step back allow him to make his mistakes. We all need healthy boundaries in our relationships and need to take care of our own minds first. X

  • You are so right I know thanks.

  • You can only advise him but he is responsible for his own actions. Maybe counselling would be good for him. I have a brother who is in a viscous cycle with debt, drugs, in and out of jobs. Every time I suggest counselling but he never takes my advice - always thinks everything else is the problem and not him. So I no longer get involved. Look after yourself x

  • Thanks Nick I know your right.

    Seems we all have a problem with kin in one way or another.

    Take care thanks

  • It's more common than we realise! X

  • Thank you so much and boy I can see what you said about the daughter starting a conversation them asking to borrow . Exactly what my son does. Yes I will be a bit more lonely saying no but I love being on my own after so much abuse from parents friends and now son . I like my own space yea I get pangs of loneliness but the peace out way the stress any day .

    Thank you and I am used to a lonely Christmas. I now see people living on the streets begging I am lucky to have a house warmth and my tv and Guitar.

    You sound wonderful I hope all goes well from now on for you.


  • About Christmas, make certain you start thinking about what you are going to do ......need something to do for yourself with other people....even if it's some volunteer activity ....or saving some money and travel to somewhere warm for just a day or two....

  • Dodo, you've gotten some good advice and support today from the forum. As you can see, you are not alone in this. Tough Love is a hard pill to swallow for any parent but sometimes it's the best choice for you and your son.

    You have opened up your heart to your son, now you must open your eyes as to what this is doing to both of you. As always my best to you....

  • I'm going to feel him everyday if he goes to prison. The courts know he has MY issues I pray they just tag him again . I know it's an ask but compared to the rest of the boys around here he's pretty good plus the twins and moving.

    I know it will hurt me saying no. I think it will shock him but he has to stop depending on me for his own sake. I won't be here for long. They both get good money no excuses.

    I'm over thinking and can't relax . I have this feeling something bad is about to happen. I been on guitar and still have that voice in my head. I class him like me but he didn't have the childhood I had Anand he's stronger in many ways. Prison is on the news everyday for something. I just hope now a bomb was found they will put more staff in Cardiff prison.

    I'll be ok now

  • Do you cook his meals for him? Do his washing? Iron his clothes? Clean his room? Take messages for him? Just "withdraw your labour" for a couple of months. When he begins to get hungry or has no clean clothes to go out in then he may realise you're not his "skivvy". And if that doesn't work then maybe you should play hardball. We've been where you are. It's a problem easily solved !!

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