Well it looks like my anxiety has destroyed another friendship with a lady. I lost my wife in January this year and have had great support through Cruse Bereavement Care. When I first went to my local group I met a lady there, I became close to, well in my head anyway.This lady lost her husband to Cancer 4 years ago and has told me she is not looking for anyone else. I have been out for Sunday lunch with her 3 weeks ago (her invite) but my anxiety got the better of me and I felt nauseous and had difficulty eating. I organised for us to go to the Dinosaur event at the Birmingham Botanical Gardens last Saturday and I had to organise parking as the BBG has none. The lady friend rang me a 6:30 on Friday night to see if I had organised the parking and to sort out the time I was to pick her up. However I got a bit nosey and asked her about her day, this I wish I had not done as she told me she was going out with another guy Friday night and would not tell me who it was. She said it is nobody I know( but would have told me if it was somebody I know, confused me!!) and that she wants to keep private things private as people talk. This really triggered a very bad attack and I felt really ill. She had implied from earlier conversation she would be home around 10:30, so I stupidly watched the clock round until 10:30 the time I thought she would be back on her own again, crackers really. I was so bad, I was crying my eyes out at midnight and not even sure I could go to the BBG. I got about 5 hours sleep if that and felt quite awful. I was up early and called the Samaritans as I felt so desperate. They were supportive and helped a bit, I did go to the BBG but could not get Friday out of my mind. The day had cost a bit of money and I had spoilt it a bit for myself. But we had a good day and got on very well although I struggled to eat.
I had a meeting with my Cruse councillor today and told her about the events of the last few days. She listened and then commented, the best thing I could do she said was to have no more contact by text or phone and do not suggest any more one to one meetings. I was shocked but if you ask the question you have to be able to take the answer but even so I was quite shocked by what she said. She went on to say I am very close to stalking this lady and it will only end one way, badly for me. I did ask my lady friend about next weekend, I was contemplating trying another Sunday lunch with the risk of not eating particularly after Friday. We had a group outing with the Cruse group today and my lady friend was there. I tried to keep distant and she did not say much to me and did not say anything about Sunday. I guess as she likes to keep things private she did not want to mention it or has decided not go and just didn't tell me. I am in a complete mess, my stomach is painful on and off and with what my counsellor said today I don't know what to do. Part of me is saying the only thing to do is to break all contact with her but I would see her at the Cruse meetings. I am finding it difficult to accept her going out with other guys but my sensible head tells me I can do nothing about it. As somebody said in a previous post we are not a couple, she can see and do whatever she likes. I am in absolute hell tonight, I have no idea what to do and see my counsellor again in 2 weeks and feel I need to do what she has suggested but part of me won't accept it although the situation is making me feel quite ill. I would be grateful for any advice and guidance as I am lost with this issue. Thank you and apologises for a ridiculously long post but I felt it needed detail for people to see the mess I am in.