Hi, I'm new to using these websites but I'm running out of options so please bear with me. I live with my boyfriend, whom I love very much and will talk about later in this post. I am 19 years old and Everyone says I'm one of the nicest people theyve ever met, maybe too nice. I let people walk all over me and would never dare to do anything about it, I like it that way, I like to help people, but when I miss something or fuck something up I get very upset with myself.I can't stop thinking about it, I had to leave work today because I was so anxious because I messed something up, I couldn't stop shaking and was almost crying while serving people at the resteraunt. Usually I love work, I never had problems like this before until it started getting busier with the summer. I had to leave early another day this week too because of the same problem, anxiety.
I feel like it's taking over my life, I get so anxious when my boyfriend and me fight, I shake and even vomit sometimes. We've been fighting a lot lately because my anxietys gotten so bad, he says that I changed and am not the person he started to date two years ago. It really breaks my heart. I used to be fun, now I can't even ride in cars, every time I get in the car it's "slow down, please slow down!!" I'm always freaking out and gasping and feel like I'm gonna die on said car ride. I can't drive at night anymore.But also I feel as though he is partially responsible because he does text and drive (i do not condone him I scream and yell and make him stop), and all he does is talk about cars while we're driving and remark on other people's cars even though I always tell him to stop because it's making me anxious to think so in depthly about cars and Engines and pistons making explosions blah blah blah. But he always yells at me and tells me that since I don't drive yet I can't complain.
He always yells at me when I get anxious, he always yells at me in general. Never anything mean like I'm ugly or something, but that's the way that I feel when he's yelling at me. He calls me a cunt and a bitch, but always apologizes after we get into a crazy fight. Sometimes he says he's gonna break up with me if I don't get myself together and stop being so anxious and learn how to drive. He always tells me I'm being ridiculous when I'm anxious and I shouldn't be that way in front of his friends because they'll think I'm crazy and never want to hang out with me.
Now I keep everything inside in front of everyone, even my friends even though I shake and want to cry and have awful days.
I keep a lot ofamoxicillin in my purse, even though I'm allergic to it, so if I ever want to commit suicide I'll have a plan. I haven't told anyone even my boyfriend about this, I don't want to die, but I don't know if I'm cut out to live on this earth, I have no real friends, I'm very boring and not very funny or smart. People at work like me and we hang out sometimes, but I just think it's because they feel bad for me because they see how down I am all the time, but I know there's no real friendship there. I'm too quite, I don't like to really talk to people, have the time I'm even silent with my boyfriend, who's a complete chatterbox, I think it bothers him. I think if I died he would be so much happier, he'd find someone who's not crazy and just better. I know my family would miss me a lot, they live right down the street from me but I can't live there because a lot of them do drugs and it's just a very bad envirement. I know they'd get over the loss though.
But like I said I don't want to die, I just know that's the direction I'm headed if I don't get any help, because I don't want to live here the way that I am. I burn myself a lot with hot metal, my boyfriend always finds the marks and gets so angry and feels so betrayed, but he doesn't really like to talk about it with me, he finds them, gets angry and then forgets about them, at least that's how it feels, I don't think he really cares. The other day he told me he thinks I burn myself for attention, I would turn to him wig all of this but again, now I feel like he's gonna tell me I'm searching for attention, or he'll get mad about why I feel this way in the first place. He'll take it too personally. I don't know how or want to talk to anybody else though, I already see a councilor and as far as she knows I'm doing perfectly fine, even though in reality I'm far from fine. I don't want to talk to family or friends because I'm embarrassed, and I don't want them to worry or feel bad for me.
I don't want to go to the hospital either, I don't think I need to, and everyone will judge me, I don't wanna leave my home. Somebody please give me advice, I'm breaking