Me and My destructive mind: Looking for a little bit of hope!

[Charleigh1990]

Hi, I'm a 27 year old mother and wife. My beautiful daughter is 7 years old and the smartest child I've ever known. My amazing Husband of nearly 1 year is tolerant and extremely understanding.. And yet ever day these deep destructive thoughts cloud my true vision and put me at risk of losing my whole world.

Is there any hope?!

Back in Feb 2016 we booked our wedding and within 6 months we were happily married. Wedding plans had consumed my life up until that time and although I did have the occasional melt down (what bride to be doesn't) I was pretty happy throughout. After our big day I switched my mind to our honeymoon which again consumed my life with research and planning. By the time we got back I was mentally exhausted. I had this feeling of emptiness and nothing to look forward to. I was feeling more and more anxious every day with panic attacks becoming more and more frequent. I was finding it hard to go to sleep and then when I did I couldn't get up. Everyday felt like a massive rush and the pressure was crushing me.

And then late October, the day came that my daughter turned 7.. I didn't sleep, I was angry and I was upset. I couldn't understand how she had reached this age. I was panicking that I wasn't doing all I could for her.. that somewhere along the way I had missed something, missed a monumental stage in her life. I didn't know what to do for the better.

In Dec 2016 I quit my dream job. I was a wedding planner full time. I had spent 7 years building myself up to that point in my career but the time had come that I had to give it up. I got a part time job in our local hospital doing some admin. Surprisingly I didn't feel too anxious at first (maybe because my mum works beside me) but slowly the feelings are coming back.

I seem to get angry over the simplest of things and I take it out on the wrong people. Even when I'm "losing it" the sane part of my mind is telling me to stop, telling me this is not a big deal and to just stop.. but I cant, once it starts it consumes me. The anger and hatred builds up and burns red from deep inside. I hate myself for it everyday and the list of regrets is forever growing.

I yell at my husband and I yell at daughter and yet they still love and adore me.. I think this part hurts the most. I don't deserve them the way I am.

I wish this feeling had an off switch

[Hidden]

What part of your daughter's life do you think you have missed?

Do you think maybe you need to be more active or maybe you need to have a job where you are in control of everything that goes on around you or is it depression you are suffering from.

Have you gone and seen a medical professional about it at all and if not do you not think you should?

[Charleigh1990 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Jimtom,

Thank you for your reply, when I wrote the above I didn't expect to have anyone come back to me..

I cant explain what I feel like I've missed. Its more a what have I forgotten. I look at her and listen to her and cant remember how she got from one stage in her life to the next. I want to be able to remember every minute of her existence. I have so much love for her it hurts. She was born during a very difficult stage in my life and I feel I owe her everything.

I do have full control in my new job at work I am calm, Its my home life where the anxiety is mounting. My husband works so hard at his job, long hours and very busy and so the house chores mainly come down to me. When we both worked full time there was an on going excuse as to why things weren't done at home but now I feel like its expected of me to have everything spick and span.

I'm stuck in this vicious circle of which my anxiety attacks drain my energy.. so I feel exhausted and depressed and so I don't get things done which makes me angry and anxious once again.

I have not seen a doctor since I was prescribed beta blockers over 2 years ago to enable me to take my driving test.

[Hidden in reply to Charleigh1990]

Have you not got any old photos or videos of your child to look at that might bring some memories back? Maybe they could help you remember things that you think you had forgotten.

Do you resent having to do everything in the house to make it Spock and spam or maybe you need a bit of a break or rest from doing it all. Your husband might be working long hours but so are you, job, mother, wife and home maker, that's a full time job is it not, maybe you need to get a break from it. You might be exhausting yourself and not doing anything to please yourself.

Do the beta blockers do anything at all for you now if you still take them?

You are welcome anytime Charleigh, I know what its like to have anxiety. I don't get it now though but I used too.

[Charleigh1990 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Jimtom,

I have hundreds of photos and videos, we watch them a lot. All of these memories are there in my mind. Its hard to explain what I feel I have missed. Its more regrets of what I have missed in the times of an anxiety attack. I feel so much regret for so many things and that feeling never goes away.

Yes I am exhausted all the time but I'm not doing all the thing I should be. I always start the day on good intentions but the slightest thing that trips me up and that's the end of it. Some weekends I literally get up from bed then get onto the sofa. I get up every now and then to make food for my girl but that's it. Then along comes bed time and the regret hits me hard that another day is wasted and its all my fault.

I only take my beta blockers when I need them, days like first day at new job, days at the shopping centre and then when I have an unexpected attack.

How did you find your way through it may I ask Jimtom? I don't want to seek medical help as I'm worried they will just give me pills. x

[Hidden]

Why are you angry ?

[Charleigh1990 in reply to Hidden]

I wish I knew davewavy1

[Hidden in reply to Charleigh1990]

Something is driving it all and you need to be honest with yourself and find out what it is and confront it. I think you keep quiet about a lot and resentment is growing inside you over it.

[Charleigh1990 in reply to Hidden]

I do a lot of talking to myself, often I can be very honest with myself in the mirror while I'm in the middle of a massive breakdown however being honest to either the people that may cause it and professionals who can help me deal with it is a whole new thing. I have a long dark family history with mental health and well I think that has a lot to do with it

Thank you davewavy1

[Hidden in reply to Charleigh1990]

Well good luck anyway. Hope you find some solutions.

[Msgriffin23]

I was feeling this way to back in December of 2016 I was fine I had little drink me n my fiance at the time now I'm married but any who I didn't drank that much I had a some champagne I drink 2 half of cups then I put the rest up for new years so when new years came I decided to cook me n my family a meal chill back relax so I was like I still got some Champagne left so I ate my food then I waited to about a hour to start drinking.....so I poured the rest of champagne n the cup I drunk then about a hour prox I started feeling funny I mean real funny to wear I was blured vision, shaky real bad, so cold, my mind was playing tricks on me, dizzy light headed my whole left side was num to where I thought I was having a stroke so I told my fiance n he took me to the hospital to not mentioned I stayed up all night n still wasn't sleepy n I had work I had to call in but anywho I told the doctors all the symptoms I was having n he told it's was axiety n I'm like how did I get axiety then he like axiety is a stressor so if u been stressing alot on something then that's a what bring on the axiety...they did blood work everything was normal so I like this is crazy because I was still feeling these symptoms the next day so it was really scarey for me because I got three kids age 3,6,7..n they mean the world to me so I hope my acuity get better to your not only one

[Charleigh1990 in reply to Msgriffin23]

That sounds awful Msgriffin23, definitely you shouldn't drink if that's how it makes you feel. Hope you feel better soon.

[Agora1]

Hi Charleigh1990, some people thrive on having their life consumed with activity and when everything dies down, they get restless. Children are a way for us to realize time is going by since they change so rapidly. As mothers, we want to take in every moment of them growing up and sometimes along the way, life gets so busy that we miss those moments. It sounds like you have an amazing husband and a daughter you love and adore. Your anger isn't turned towards them or even yourself. I think it's geared towards life itself. You want to experience it all and yet as time goes by, your anger builds. Quitting your full time job made you think you would not miss any more opportunities with your daughter. I think the time has come for you to seek professional counseling, maybe even short term medication. Therapy will help get down to the bottom of your anger and frustration. This sounds a lot like depression taking hold. In getting help, you will find that "off switch" that you are looking for. Good Luck Charleigh...

[Charleigh1990 in reply to Agora1]

Wow Agora1 Thank you I feel like you understand what I'm talking about ( even if I don't know myself most of the time). I often think after I've calmed down that I really should see the doctor, I've called them a few times but I don't know what to say or who to ask for and I know if I sit down with them I will just cry rather than trying to explain how and what I feel. I really don't want to start on medication as I've seen how destructive they can be if the wrong type is given.

Thank you x