Hi, I'm a 27 year old mother and wife. My beautiful daughter is 7 years old and the smartest child I've ever known. My amazing Husband of nearly 1 year is tolerant and extremely understanding.. And yet ever day these deep destructive thoughts cloud my true vision and put me at risk of losing my whole world.
Is there any hope?!
Back in Feb 2016 we booked our wedding and within 6 months we were happily married. Wedding plans had consumed my life up until that time and although I did have the occasional melt down (what bride to be doesn't) I was pretty happy throughout. After our big day I switched my mind to our honeymoon which again consumed my life with research and planning. By the time we got back I was mentally exhausted. I had this feeling of emptiness and nothing to look forward to. I was feeling more and more anxious every day with panic attacks becoming more and more frequent. I was finding it hard to go to sleep and then when I did I couldn't get up. Everyday felt like a massive rush and the pressure was crushing me.
And then late October, the day came that my daughter turned 7.. I didn't sleep, I was angry and I was upset. I couldn't understand how she had reached this age. I was panicking that I wasn't doing all I could for her.. that somewhere along the way I had missed something, missed a monumental stage in her life. I didn't know what to do for the better.
In Dec 2016 I quit my dream job. I was a wedding planner full time. I had spent 7 years building myself up to that point in my career but the time had come that I had to give it up. I got a part time job in our local hospital doing some admin. Surprisingly I didn't feel too anxious at first (maybe because my mum works beside me) but slowly the feelings are coming back.
I seem to get angry over the simplest of things and I take it out on the wrong people. Even when I'm "losing it" the sane part of my mind is telling me to stop, telling me this is not a big deal and to just stop.. but I cant, once it starts it consumes me. The anger and hatred builds up and burns red from deep inside. I hate myself for it everyday and the list of regrets is forever growing.
I yell at my husband and I yell at daughter and yet they still love and adore me.. I think this part hurts the most. I don't deserve them the way I am.
I wish this feeling had an off switch