I wonder if I were to die… but still hesitant

I know when some see this post they'll just think 'then don't die' or 'why are you even asking such question?'. But I need some answers, I think I'' becoming desperate.

I'll start by introducing me and my problem. I'm still quite young but I'm quite suicidal. Since grade 4, I've always wondered why I'm still here. What'a the point of life? I'm quite dead in the inside. Even when I'm surrounded by people, I feel dead. As if I don't belong with them. That they're too good for me.

A few years later, I befriend this one girl who asked for help. She was stressed out about her life and how everyone's pushing her around into a path she never wanted to take. I started realizing how similar we were, yet I never got the chance to tell her that I'm the same without her thinking I'm sympathizing her.

I later got a concussion which caused chaos in my family. My dad started being more abusive, language wise, and would always blame me. My sister would just ignore me and just lived her life ignoring me. My mom just got mad at me for just walking out. I lived my life in only two places, the hospital and my house.

Once it so-said healed, I tried to get a fresh start in high school, boy was I wrong. The crowded halls loved killing my ears and people enjoyed pushing me around. I had a hard time expressing my true self without people laughing at me. I started growing anxious as my grades got lower and the teachers kept yelling at me. I only did something wrong once yet they kept picking on me.

Before I knew it, my concussion symptoms kicked back it after all the pressure that hit my head. But the teachers couldn't careless when they learnt about it. I skipped a ton of school when my head was in pain. And my parents kept nagging me about it. All they ever wanted was to save the money they're wasting to heal me.

And when I came back to school after my long breaks, the students asked me what was wrong. I didn't want to tell them since they'll obviously just say 'then why are you here?' Which translate to 'get out.' So I lied always saying I was sick, which was technically true if I think about it. No one really wanted to comfort me, and the councillors kept nagging me.

I became digusted in my once loved food. Started growing mysophobic symptoms as I wanted to cleanse myself so maybe people would love me more. Putting on masks so no one will hate me. I just wish real life was like my online life. My fake life where people are kind even if it could be full of lies.

Throughout all this, stressed piled up. With all my homework I hard to worry on and my ears bleeding thanks to the nagging (literally bleeding only happened thrice). A number of my friends past away throughout those years. I started having a hard time loving really anything. WhenI told other people whom I could trust, they forgot about it, pushed it away as if it was garbage even though it meant the world to me.

I'm to become more suicidal every day. They only things that comforts me are my tablet, phone, and recorder. I wonder, if I were to get into an accident of what sort, who will be worried. And for what reason? I want to take medication but I really can't. Afterall, I'' just stuck in a giant birdcage called home. Oh if only it was a sweet as it was in reality.

And the only reason I'm hesitant, is because I want to know the endings of a few ongoing manga.

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2 Replies

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  • Please know that you are a precious person to this community and to God. My heart goes out to you. Please know that God has a plan for you to live a full and happy life . I can understand when other kids at school and family members at home mistreat or ignore you. They have their own problems that's why they aren't sympathetic towards you. Just forgive them and pray that their hearts will change . Please keep holding on and live your precious life . Is there a church small group you can join in your area to talk to others about your feelings? A Christian church with loving members who will open their hearts to you. There is a hope care center telephone number 1-800-488-Hope, Monday to Friday 8am to 1:30 am . You can call someone there who will offer guidance and prayer.

    You mentioned you like the Manga Japanese comics. Those images and creations are fantastic . Your interest in them perhaps is a path in your life as an artist, a grapchic designer . The point is, keep going , keep marching onward . Live your life , a full and joyful life , keep pressing forward and hold on. Watch God work in your life , He will give you direction . I'm praying for you. God bless you.

  • Thanks for sharing how's your day going so far

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