Starting over with myself

[QwertyKeyboard]

I had been dating online for 8 months with a few break ups here and there. We talked on the phone everynight (with the exception of a few days). I moved away from my family to escape my evil thoughts that made me question if I should kill myself. I moved back after some trouble with the family I lived with so back across the country I went. December we met in person and I didn't feel the chemistry but when I hugged him goodbye I couldn't stop crying I felt like I was losing my soulmate. Then I break up with him 2 days ago after him making me feel awful and milking me for the attention. Now I'm left at night to my reoccurring thoughts which I had forgotten about. We started talking a couple days before I moved cross country so it was too late for me to notice he was what helped them go away. I know it sounds bad I used him for it, but I really do love him, I've never been in a real relationship, especially not online, but my mom and her husband met online so it wasn't a strange idea to me. He was my distraction and now I can't sleep, I've tried melatonin and it isn't helping. My mind is overwhelming me. I haven't gone to school today or yesterday. My thoughts are terrible I know but I wouldn't ever act on them. I have a fear of being taken advantage of by men. Im especially afraid of my brother. I lock my door and check under my bed and in my closet everynight and I'm terrified of the dark but have to manage for my pet rats. I have a bad relationship with my brother because everything he does triggers me and I cringe and do not like to be home alone with him. I get extremely tense. I wonder if it is because when I was younger our dinner table was a wall bench on one side so I had to scoot over him and he like lifted his pelvis when I did and it made me so uncomfortable and I was so disturbed. I just would like to stop being so afraid and then I think thoughts of killing my brother and that's just awful. That may not be the cause of it but that is all that I have come up with. I also have sleep paralysis which used to be incredibly demonic and scary but it has gotten way better. Any suggestions? Should I get back together with him? Should I get help? It's usually just at night and my bf's voice always put me to sleep. I do miss him but idk if he is right for me ?? Or is he ?? But distance , and im only 18. Please any advice

[Francop]

Consult with a friend . Your young my first break up I had was when I was 18 too it killed me in the inside and made me binge drink I thought I was going to be alone but I'm 21 and been single for 3 years and I've been great trust your instincts don't let fear misguide you