“I want to live in the south of France. I am almost certain I would be better there”. I have told myself that and other similar things for a long time. I have learned one thing in the last 15 years, you cannot outrun or out move you. I was on vacation in South Carolina, Garden city to be exact. House rented right on the beach. I was certain this would be it….yet it was not, I was still me, I still had my problems. You cannot outrun you.
I was 19 in 1992. I remember looking out at the sand stretched over the ground for as far as I could see. I remember wondering how much blood had been spilled here since ancient times. I remember losing my fear of death in that sand. “marhabaan, marhabaan, USA”. If you heard it once you heard it a million times. Sadly this usually preceded what can only be described as shit going south at a rapid pace. That was a lifetime ago. Moving through the sands like a venomous snake. That was then. This is now.
One of two things happen when I wake up. Either I feel fine and shit goes wrong gradually, or I feel awful. It’s always a surprise. My life is like a My Little Pony blind bag….you never know what you will get. For those of you with girls as toddlers, that statement more than likely made sense.
I often wonder what all these different medications have done to me. Paxil, Welbutrin, Celexa, Effexor, Buspar, Latuda, and now it’s day 4 of Viibryd! I mean….this cannot be good right? I was given this analogy by a doctor a few years back:
An asthma patient has two controllers. One for maintnace daily and one that is a rescue inhaler. You take Xanax every single day. That is the rescue inhaler equivalent. You need a maintance inhaler too. You need an SSRI to maintain and a Xanax or Klonopin for when it gets bad.
Looking back, I should have never listened. It has been a roller coaster since then. So what are my options? I can simply quit! I can simply quit the SSRIs for a while and see exactly who I am…get a baseline of sorts. I will keep the Klonopin.