Hi everyone, I'm 19 yo and still live at home.
My whole life, my father has been quite aggressive towards me and my mother. Not all the times, but about every 6 months he would get what we call an "episode" and totally freak out: for example, when I was 6 and was too slow at carrying the potatoes up the stairs, he would kick me from behind, up the stairs.
When I was 14, my mother cheated on my dad. She went away, because when he found out, he was really aggressive towards her, and hit her almost every day. So now my mom lives with her new boyfriend.
At first, I couldn't understand why she did that, but now I do: my dad was very manipulative (she couldn't see any family/friends) and he had these moods..
I stayed with my dad (where I still am) because my mom was afraid that if she would take me, he would come after us and kill us both (which I understand why she did that).
All the time I lived with my dad, he talked about how he would kill my mom as soon as he found out he would be terminally sick and how he would commit suicide afterwords. It scared the crap out of me, but I was still quite young, so I tried to ignore it.
During all my high school years, everything remained the same.
I did started to have some OCD at that time (14 yo) which was a ritual I had to do before I went to bed. I did this, until about 2/3 weeks ago.
But when going from year 1 to year 2 at uni (when I was about 18 years old) I started suffering from Health Anxiety and later on from intrusive thoughts.
My GP immediately said it was due to my situation at home. She referred my to a therapist. The therapist referred me to a psychiatrist, who put me on escitalopram. (I only took it 1 day, because I HATED the effects)
But this all just doesn't seem to help.
This makes me wonder: should I leave home? But how? I'm only 19 and a 2nd year student at uni, so I still have 3,5 year to go before I have my master's. I can't combine studying with a full-time job.
At first, my anxiety symptoms (and also depression lately) were mostly noticeable at home, but now it's also there a lot of the times when I'm with friends/with my boyfriend or in class. Does this mean it isn't home-related?
I'm sorry if this is a big of a rant, but I just feel trapped. Trapped in the sadness/anxiety, and trapped at home I guess.