I have an an assignment to submit before 8am today. Its 5000 words. I have not even begun it yet. I might fail my course entirely of I do not submit.
I have been having suicidal thoughts because I feel like a failure. Not because i dont think I'm capable of doing something but because I'm a lazy bum. I lay in bed all day and watch tv series. I can waste days doing this. At the back of my mind I know its wrong but I always leave things till last minute and this time it will catch up to me. I will loose my funding and Ive just moved house with a family member. This family member will have to pay rent all alone if I loose my funding. I don't know how I will explain the situation to my parents either. I am the eldest sister of 3 and I feel disappointed in myself.
I keep thinking that death is the best option to save me the embarrassment and the shame I will bring to so many people who believe in me.
I think of stabbing myself, smashing my head against the wall, suffocating myself in my pillow, jumping through the window and self harming with needles almost once every day now. I know its wrong and frankly Im too scared to do any of those things.
But with each failure these feelings have gotten stronger. To the point where I actually fall into almost a daze and begin to attempt one of them. It only lasts a few seconds and I snap out of it very quickly. But I feel it getting worse. Im worried after I fail my course I will not snap out of it this time.
HeIp. I dont know what to do. Im scared I will take my life.