I am a lazy failure

[randa15]

I have an an assignment to submit before 8am today. Its 5000 words. I have not even begun it yet. I might fail my course entirely of I do not submit.

I have been having suicidal thoughts because I feel like a failure. Not because i dont think I'm capable of doing something but because I'm a lazy bum. I lay in bed all day and watch tv series. I can waste days doing this. At the back of my mind I know its wrong but I always leave things till last minute and this time it will catch up to me. I will loose my funding and Ive just moved house with a family member. This family member will have to pay rent all alone if I loose my funding. I don't know how I will explain the situation to my parents either. I am the eldest sister of 3 and I feel disappointed in myself.

I keep thinking that death is the best option to save me the embarrassment and the shame I will bring to so many people who believe in me.

I think of stabbing myself, smashing my head against the wall, suffocating myself in my pillow, jumping through the window and self harming with needles almost once every day now. I know its wrong and frankly Im too scared to do any of those things.

But with each failure these feelings have gotten stronger. To the point where I actually fall into almost a daze and begin to attempt one of them. It only lasts a few seconds and I snap out of it very quickly. But I feel it getting worse. Im worried after I fail my course I will not snap out of it this time.

HeIp. I dont know what to do. Im scared I will take my life.

[Stay_strong85]

Hi, please never refer to yourself as a failure. We are all human and life can be hard. You are unique and beautifully made. All of us. God bless you. I used to have the same awful thoughts, but I now realize how precious life is, even through my struggles. Be well and keep faith! 😊😚😇

[Stay_strong85]

NOTHING IS WORTH TAKING YOUR OWN LIFE, NOTHING! You WILL pull through this. And if you fail your school course, it is ok, just get back up and try again. Ok?? 🙄🤗😚

[Orida]

First of all, try to calm down. Many of us are terribly lazy and suffer for it. I have an exam really soon and what did I do today? Played video game I didnt play in 7 years.

Anyways. Does the stress of incoming dealine starts your productivity? It is not healthy, but it works sometimes.

Harming yourself or panicking is the easy way, but it doesn't really help anything. Try to just make yourself work. Stare into an empty document if necessary, try forming basic ideas of the paper and then just writing more info about them, try consulting a friend or classmate. Maybe even share your progress with someone, so they might praise you for your work.

What is the paper supposed to be about?

[randa15 in reply to Orida]

The paper is about teaching problem solving skills in mathematics

[Orida in reply to randa15]

Do you have the literature needed? All the info to put together? Or maybe some key points to talk about.

How did you do in the meantime? I hope at least a title is already written

[randa15 in reply to Orida]

I have been tentatively thinking about what I could write. And i am thinking about the literature I could use. Im just afraid that if I actually open up my laptop to start writing the essay, the sheer weight of the workload to be done will weigh down and make me snap.

[Orida in reply to randa15]

Well, do not let it to overcome you. You have one task at the moment. A simple one. Essay. Leave the other worries to their own time.

[randa15 in reply to Orida]

I think the closer te deadline gets the more productive I become. Its like i need intense pressure to make me productive. However this time its different. Its like i gave up a 3 weeks before the assignment was due. I have failed with a lot of things in 2016 and did not achive all the goals I set. I even started lying which I never do. Ive told about 7 lies. They are not big lies and cause no one but me harm but It eats up at me because I used to pride myself on how honest I was. I don't like who I'm becoming and I think that's part of what is triggering the thoughts.

[Orida in reply to randa15]

Highfive on the deadline productivuty thing.

Then leave it all in 2016. Time to get up and do things is right now. You said people put hopes in you, that is a great motivation.

We all get bad times. Bad months, years even. But giving up is the easy way. However it only leads dooooown.

5000 words is not that much. And what better way to prove you can do it, then actually doing it? Negativitywill alway be there. So accept it and move on.

[romaluna2015]

You are not a failure .. life can get tough and challenging .. this doesn't make you a failure .. this makes you brave and strong. The fact you have turned to a page for help means that you are being brave and courageous .. 💗 .. don't worry about college / school essay .. you must be under a fair amount of pressure . Is there a tutor you can talk to about the stress you are feeling regarding this essay? They may give you some extra time and will support you through this .. please remember you are never alone and there is always a friendly ear to listen ❤ xx

[randa15 in reply to romaluna2015]

Im in my 20's. This is for a university course. I don't really feel comfortable talking to my mentor because as nice as she and the other colleagues seem, I have seen how they talk about confidential issues that people trust them with. I even heard from someone what one of them says about me behind my back so definitely not. I dont want to talk to family members because of the embarrassment and pain I will cause them. O don't know if I can handle that. My parents gave up so much for me to have an education and here I am with a good opportunity, throwing it away.

I've already had a good sob about it and I currently feel very numb adm. But I know the anxiety and negative thoughts will start to kick in again. I know for a fact that I will not sleep at all tonight. 😔

[Kainan]

Hi Randa. i can relate to you on some level because I also have trouble doing school work that needs to get done, and writing essays are no exception. I know that I fully have the capability to do them, but when depressive feelings are there and the negative thoughts start to seep in, all my focus gets derailed and nothing gets done. Try not to beat yourself up too much. It's not your fault. If you're not in the right head space, then just let it go and relax. Speak to your professor and let him know what your feeling. He'll understand and the two of you can figure something out.

[jacqueline121]

Hi, I can totally relate. I'm going through the same thing at the moment. Though I have a few days left. I usually talk to class mates about how I'm doing and feeling and often they feel the same way, which makes me feel not so alone in this.

These feeling usually pass and I get/ feel motivated again. When I feel negative about myself, nothing gets done. When I tell myself I can do it, and have positive thought, things get done.

I get overwhelmed when the work piles up, but I remember that I've been in this situation many times, and things have worked out, this eases the fear,

Nothing will make you feel better than getting it done.

Maybe making yourself a timetable where you have to do a couple of hours work ever day will help for future work. I pretend I'm working in an office and getting paid to do the work lol, it helps s little.

I'm still not organised but I've got to year 3 even with all the disorganised thoughts and feelings, so I know you can do it too.

Imagine the end line and how you'll feel about yourself when you've finally finished, and all the doors it will open for you. Treat yourself for every task you tackle.

All the best

[FXP_OK]

The mantra I try to live by i's "take the smallest step in the right direction"...do an essay plan...couple of sub-titles...some bullet points..won't take much but it'll get the brain waves going and set you in the right direction....on your marks; get set....go!