Hey guys so i think i might have depression and anxiety and god knows what else. I mean i am sure i do but i never seen a professional, my mum has depression and takes pills for them i tried asking her about it but she didn't give me any help i guess she is scared of it being true because she doesnt want me going through what she is. And its kinda very expensive to see a doctor to see what medication i need, so how can i know what i need or how can i help myself?? Because its holding me back from everything i just simply stay in bed all day and night and do nothing at all i do not even study or anything and my finals are in two weeks and i have no idea what the subjects are about, this is my second year doing 12th grade. A lot of people who i try to talk to about this keep telling me i am not depressed and just want attention or im being dramatic and whatever "because they know best you know" but they do not get to tell me how to feel. I know that something is wrong because i can hear my body and self and mind and everything. Oh i also been going through something...it is weird and actually its more like a feeling i asked around and people been telling me im having a "spiritual experience" whatever that means but i guess its because of my anxiety...
And i would really appreciate it if someone can tell me how to be less awkward and shy. I mean i cant even ask questions in class because im just...to shy. I try to speak but i just cant seem to control my body and talk. Most times i try to force myself but the regret that comes after it is real. And i gotta over come that. I wont say i have low self esteem and its not that im not confident im okay i guess but like...i do not know im just very shy and...yeah. I wish i knew how to say whats on my mind in real life and talk the same way i would texting someone...talking to my friends when we chat i can say whatever is on my mind ans actually making videos but in real life not really im not sure if its because the people change and the people im deep with online are different from real life?? And even if they were the same people how can i say whats on my mind because there is moments i do not do so but i wish i do and the other way around. Lets just say i need to be more confident
I hope i make sense to someone out there because sometimes i do not make sense to myself, thank you.
Oh i also keep having these death thoughts, like i am dying i keep feeling like im gonna die soon and that scares me a lot,i actually wrote a death note...is this normal??