Is this all there is?

[g33kgirl86]

I have been living with depression for as long as I can remember and anxiety for 5 years now and feeling in a bit of a rut. I've never fit in and feel that I'm quite disliked or at least unrelatable. The illness has brought feelings of paranoia that I am being talked about negatively or going to lose my job or mocked. Then there is the memory loss, the confusion, the tiredness, the lows, the lost interest in everything you do, the (very unfortunate) diminished libido. As a person living with mental health, a lot of the times you battle against yourself, wondering whether your feelings are real or just part of the illness.

It's exhausting.. I'm exhausted. is this all I have to look forward to in life? I am medicated, I get counselling and lean occasionally ( much to my dislike) on my friends. i just had this idea of how my life was going to be and this ain't it..

I know people out there are fighting for their life but I can't help but think mine is a waste.

I do my best to work as hard as I can. I out my head down and work and I never complain about what they ask me to do yet it never seems to be enough.

I feel I've lost my spark, all self-confidence and I don't know how to get it back. I feel empty and want more than anything for the sadness to go away.

I have rejoined a social group from the website meetup. I found them quite nice. I go back to that tomorrow.

Am I the only one that feels this way?

Thank you for reading.

[Stay_strong85]

No of course you're not. A lot of us here understand. I am proud of you for still working. I couldn't handle my job anymore, been jobless since from nervous breakdowns. Tried new jobs and collapsed. I can hardly handle interaction with anyone in general these days. I always feel like people talk badly of me and I have always felt out of place. I know it is hard...and I too sometimes feel like a total waste, but it simply isn't true. We were born for a reason and we all have purpose. It is an amzing world out there, we just get stuck in our own minds. It is tough for us, but never a waste. You are an amazing and beautiful being no matter what! ☺😇

[g33kgirl86 in reply to Stay_strong85]

I would like to thank you, not only for the first time being understood but for your very kind words. as horrible as it sounds, I take comfort in the fact I am not alone. For most of my life I've felt like there is something terribly wrong with me to feel and think as I do. I try each day to make my life better but right now I have the added pressure of my job coming to an end in March unless they decide to keep me on. I have so much on the line that I need this job. I've been applying for new jobs but no luck as of yet and know this is the trigger to my distress I am currently facing.

I'm tired of having to keep moving forward and hoping things will get more stable and peacefully both in employment terms and life but I am not there yet.

I'm not ready to give in but these past few weeks, I am tired from the weight of the world on my shoulders.

[Stay_strong85 in reply to g33kgirl86]

I know the feeling, but things WILL fall into place. I know what you mean being tired of having to keep moving forward. I feel like it is a constant uphill battle, working so hard to get nowhere...when will it stop and when will my comfort and ease in life come??? I know. But guess what, it is coming! It has a lot to do with faith. Faith in ourselves, faith in God(if it is your belief, no disrespect), faith in life! Don't worry there are more of us along side ya than you know. Just never give up. 🙄Good luck...I'll be praying for you and us all.

[Stay_strong85]

I lost my umph in life too...and it sucks because I am far from a weak person...but somehow I've been broken down.

[g33kgirl86 in reply to Stay_strong85]

Yes me too. I have been through some bad stuff and got through it... for some reason these past few weeks I've felt like this is the thing that will break me. I lost two friends to this illness.. that will NOT be my story.

One thing I tell myself is.. I may be able to leave a lot of things in this world but I'd never leave my cats. they are my everything. I'm on my second bus of the evening heading home and I can't wait to hug them. they give me the extra strength I need each day to go to work and push through.

[g33kgirl86]

Do you have anyone or anything like that?

[Stay_strong85 in reply to g33kgirl86]

Yes, my dog Bella. She is my comfort. And God, to be honest. I do suffer pretty badly tho, but it is going to get better.

[g33kgirl86 in reply to Stay_strong85]

Yes it will. we will get there.