What is this I'm experiencing?

[Witchoo]

Hi guys,

I had a few panic attacks 2 years ago and had health anxiety following from that.

I have done good with knowing I’m okay physically. Also, I came out to my loved ones and cut bad people put my life. I have stopped partying and don’t abuse alcohol too much anymore. Though, I have a symptom or perception that has stuck and has always been my biggest enemy.

I’m posting today to ask you guys what you think I’m experiencing.

Say for instance, I was scrolling through Instagram or travelling in the passenger of a car, a seemingly random object catches my eye like a tree or a watch or anything. Its like something catches my mind and I see dread in it. I feel claustrophobic, trapped like I’m glitched halfway in-between a wall.

It’s like an automatic reaction of being overwhelmed by anything. Any thing. It’s so hard to explain. But it’s like experiencing existence, is like wading through fire. As I’m always triggered by some thing mundane or matter-of-fact and I feel unexplainable dread. I describe this to people as making me feel instantly suicidal, like I can’t handle the infinite weight of this reaction I get. It's like I can't compute anything anymore. The edges of things catch my eye. Any lines I see, any shapes.

But then, I actually am happy in life and I don’t feel drained. I work every day and laugh and talk and want to do things. It’s like I am this person who gets on with things but have this bizarre suffocating and weird reaction to surroundings inside. like my brain can’t take the pressure of existing. It’s like the sensation of living is impossible. Yet I still wanna do things. When I’m with people or doing something, I don’t notice it as much or it doesn’t hurt as much.

One weekend, I went to Paris to see how I would get on with it. Treating it as if it’s anxiety or depression by reading self-help books, and reading spirituality books to try get through it. I got through it but it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. the last day I felt like i was surrounded by hell. I can’t believe I managed to fly back home.

I’m hoping someone can enlightened me to what this is. I live with family so I think we’d know by now if it was psychosis or schizo.

Apologies for the long post but I’m desperate!

It’s my only obstacle from living life and being able to help others.

Thank you for reading.

[Kkimm]

Hi Witchoo.

It does sound as if it is an anxiety symptom to me from my own experience of anxiety disorder but I am not a clinician.

Have you discussed it with your GP?

Are you on any antidepressants or any other anxiety medication?

Your quality of life sounds good and treating it as an anxiety symptom which you therefore need to ignore is probably the right thing to do but I also think you should discuss it with your GP just to be on the safe side.

I think it possibly sounds similar to some of the symptoms I had during my recovery in that I could be out having a good time when very suddenly a feeling of dread came over me. It only lasted literally for a few seconds and then was gone. This went on for a few weeks I think and I saw it as just part of the ups and downs you get when recovering and the antidepressants are beginning to fully take effect. I can connect a little with objects seeming to trigger it as I remember sometimes ordinary objects seemed to be sinister somehow and went with this feeling. If it is just a stage of your recovery it will gradually go. I think that you may have inadvertently helped it to go on longer by focusing on it. Anxiety does lead to a really wide range of symptoms and the key to the cure is to not be frightened by them but instead ignore them. If we focus on them they tend to remain and even increase. They are scary, and our brains are over producing cortisol and adrenaline so it is very difficult to ignore them but it is possible with practice and / or with the help of antidepressants.

You have done so well to come out to your loved ones and to make choices about who are the right people to have in your life. You have also conquered your health anxiety and are living a healthier lifestyle which are massive achievements so you should feel really proud of yourself.

Very best wishes.

Kim

[Witchoo in reply to Kkimm]

Thanks so much Kkimm!

I’ll reply properly after I finish work x

[Witchoo in reply to Kkimm]

Thank you so much for replying! it's like an angel dressed as a human giving me a note from the real world telling me it's gonna be alright.

Yeah, i meant to say my GP knows and has been very helpful and ive seen a few therapists aswell, got books and am well equipped with knowledge on anxiety.. I went on 20mg Citalopram 2 years ago but i think time and knowledge have helped way more.

I just needed clarification on something bizarre and unique i experience and you have helped so much.

Yeah like you say about the 2 seconds of dread - that sounds so similar to what i have. I call them 'fear snapshots' where whatever i am looking at looks like hell and out to get me and is a dread vortex. but i came up with something today where I imagine that everything else before and after the 'fear snapshots' are 'life snapshots' where everything is fine and there is SO MANY more good ones so I know it is safe to keep going I probably came up with it after reading your post truly.

you're so right about ignoring it. I have became obsessed with it. I can ignore now that i have a better idea what's going on.

I hope you feel good knowing you have really helped someone.

All my infinite love.

[Kkimm in reply to Witchoo]

Hi Witchoo

I am so pleased my reply has helped you. You have come up with a good way to think of it, there are far more good moments or flashes in life than bad ones.

In lots of ways I feel l have actually gained from getting anxiety. Like you it helped me to get rid of some negative people in my life.

If you are interested have a look at my second post which is called something like: How anxiety has helped me....

Do feel free to write to me anytime you feel it will be helpful for you. It would be great to hear how you are getting on. It certainly helps me to feel I am helping others. I found developing GAD such a frightening experience as well as one which helped me to grow as a person that I do want to do what I can to help others going through it.

My very best wishes to you and everyone else suffering from anxiety and depression.

Kim

[art62grammie]

I have been there. I do not know if you have underlying issues with certain objects like trees or something. I had repressed all my childhood for 50 years. Objects made me feel dreadful and pain. I had no idea what they meant until now. I was Anorexic for 40 years. I have recently recovered and will daily. Those memories of my childhood abuse. They are horrible. I recall everyone now. I would have never recovered from Anorexia without getting to the bottom of the cause. The abuse caused my illness. Those objects no longer cause me fear nor dread. They each one has a meaning now. I have learned to process them and release each painful one now. This is recovery. You take care.