I am super close to my family, my few friends and boyfriend. I have never felt so comfortable and loved in my life. Me and my sister have been extremely close since birth, she's the only person i can be my full strange self around, I love her so much and I am so protective over her. I have intense anxiety about death...
I think about it almost constantly, especially when I am happy and everything is going well in the present time, i am always so convinced something awful IS going to happen despite my family being in good health i'd say. Fear of accidents, sudden death, dying in their sleep etc. I feel that death is moving closer and I am terrified. I have to keep checking up on everyone every day to make sure they arent dead. When I am at my parents I check the bedrooms to make sure everyone is still breathing, or wake them up when I am extremely panicked about it.
I feel so lost and confused. A close friend of mine died suddenly in her sleep in 2014 on christmas eve. her twin sister was also a close friend of mine and I can't comprehend losing my own sister. i just cant. i am terrified. some days i accept death in myself, but the hurt and the loss snd the death of others i love is too much to even think about without having a panic attack and break down for the whole day.
I just wanted to share this with you all because I need to express how I feel knowing that others are listening, makes me feel a bit better for a while. I am so close to my boyfriend, my sister, my parents, my dog, my friends... they are all i have, i feel relationships so intensly, i love snd care so hard even when i find it difficult to show it because of my depression and anxiety. i am nothing without them. they make me whole and make life worth living. i cant handle any more death. its too close and i am not ready. if someone close to me dies i feel that i will most definately die too.