I'm tired of being of afraid of every one.
After 14 years in CPS custody and a majority of my adulthood being abused I have some trusts issues, I live with PTSD.
Every where I go I feel like people are out to get me. This isn't your garden variety paranoia. People have been trying to destroy my family for several years now. Lies had my babies taken from our home and placed in foster care. I jumped through a bunch of hoops ands complete SIX (6) case plans in 9 months to get them back, it was 2 years before they were all returned to me. Then, after my case closed, every 6 weeks (until we vacated the house in june, 2 months before our lease ended) someone from CPS was knocking on my door talking about some "annymous call" about my children being beaten, hungry or neglected only to find all alligations are groundless. They would walk through my house, looking in my cupboards and cabinetry touching my thinks looking at me like i was a child neglecting monster. Strangers never taking me at my word but trusting some annymous caller with malicious intent.
We've been homeless since June. Living in hotels and at one point sleeping in a rental van. While at one hotel I had some words wroth another parent about their child assaulting my daughter and about their child constantly being for money and how it was unsafe. Two (2) days later CPS was knocking on our hotel room door. They saw the 8 of us living in this little space. They said they would help. I never saw them again, they never came back to help us. Every where I go I feel like there is just someone waiting to bring those horrible people back into our lives. My twins were gone so long they forgot I was their mother. The worthless case worker did everything INCLUDING LIE ON ME AND MY CHILDREN'S LAWYER, to keep them from being returned to my care. My sons were mistreated, abused and neglected while in foster care but because they were non verbal I could never get them to confirm the abuse. I feel like everyone but my immediate family is the enemy. I feel like everyone is our to get us. Anytime I walk out the door I feel the tightness in my chest, I feel the fear welling up. Any time someone shows too much interest in my children I panic, yet I love for people to "see them", see how Beautiful they are and how well taken care of they are inspite of all the false alligations. In spite of homelessness, my fear or my ptsd. In spite of the the lack of services and help were and are supposed to receive (my 3 sons are autistic). Yet I am scared of all of you. All of them, everyone. Everyone but my husband honestly. Therapy (30 years worth and I'm 36) had not helped. I don't believe it can.
I'm tired of being scared of everyone.