My shattered world

My shattered world

I'm tired of being of afraid of every one.

After 14 years in CPS custody and a majority of my adulthood being abused I have some trusts issues, I live with PTSD.

Every where I go I feel like people are out to get me. This isn't your garden variety paranoia. People have been trying to destroy my family for several years now. Lies had my babies taken from our home and placed in foster care. I jumped through a bunch of hoops ands complete SIX (6) case plans in 9 months to get them back, it was 2 years before they were all returned to me. Then, after my case closed, every 6 weeks (until we vacated the house in june, 2 months before our lease ended) someone from CPS was knocking on my door talking about some "annymous call" about my children being beaten, hungry or neglected only to find all alligations are groundless. They would walk through my house, looking in my cupboards and cabinetry touching my thinks looking at me like i was a child neglecting monster. Strangers never taking me at my word but trusting some annymous caller with malicious intent.

We've been homeless since June. Living in hotels and at one point sleeping in a rental van. While at one hotel I had some words wroth another parent about their child assaulting my daughter and about their child constantly being for money and how it was unsafe. Two (2) days later CPS was knocking on our hotel room door. They saw the 8 of us living in this little space. They said they would help. I never saw them again, they never came back to help us. Every where I go I feel like there is just someone waiting to bring those horrible people back into our lives. My twins were gone so long they forgot I was their mother. The worthless case worker did everything INCLUDING LIE ON ME AND MY CHILDREN'S LAWYER, to keep them from being returned to my care. My sons were mistreated, abused and neglected while in foster care but because they were non verbal I could never get them to confirm the abuse. I feel like everyone but my immediate family is the enemy. I feel like everyone is our to get us. Anytime I walk out the door I feel the tightness in my chest, I feel the fear welling up. Any time someone shows too much interest in my children I panic, yet I love for people to "see them", see how Beautiful they are and how well taken care of they are inspite of all the false alligations. In spite of homelessness, my fear or my ptsd. In spite of the the lack of services and help were and are supposed to receive (my 3 sons are autistic). Yet I am scared of all of you. All of them, everyone. Everyone but my husband honestly. Therapy (30 years worth and I'm 36) had not helped. I don't believe it can.

I'm tired of being scared of everyone.

10 Replies

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  • Such a heart wrenching story, my heart goes out to you, from that photo I see your children are beautiful n look healthy, sounds like you've had a long hard struggle and I can only imagine how you've felt,its true to say that we all may encounter difficult times, some worse or more than others, but there's always hope for the future, you've brought your children through despite all your difficulties and for that you should be proud, your children are young and will have the chance of a happy future, its very sad however that you're still feeling so afraid, there must be someone who can help you surely? I don't know which part of the world you live? services do differ in different places, do you have relatives who could offer support? have you told your medical team of this constant fear/issuses?, in some parts of the world, only those who scream the loudest get heard, hope you find some comfort n peace soon, god bless you n your family xxxx

  • I'm in med-east America currently. When I did have a mental health team( in Florida) it didn't do much good. There was little helpthough it was acknowledged that I was in need of help. I am paying there will be done help here. Fear is exhausting.

    Thank you :)

  • I know how that can feel. Sometimes we don't always have all the support we need and that is when I look up...to God. Peace will find us.

  • God bless you and your family. There IS hope. Pray, and stay close to one another. I send you my love. I am truly sorry you are going through this. My prayers and love are with you. You have a beautiful beautiful family. I believe in you. 😚😊😇You will see justice, but let God fight your battle. Jesus it right by your side and guardian angels are surrounding you and you family. Much love.

  • Thank you. :) Yah carries us. I just need to learn to leave my fear at his feet and trust that all things work, for us who love and worship Him.

  • I am having the same issue...I haven't let go, and I struggle with my faith and let fear take over. But I know peace will find us...my higher power and my angels are here. Let's keep fighting the good fight. ❤I can do all things through the power of Christ who strengthens me......I can...we can. 💞

  • Amen

  • Amen

  • Look at those smiles on your beautiful children's faces, they love their mom with all their hearts. So proud of you. 😏

  • Indeed, such a beautiful family, smiles despite everything, lovely xxxxxx

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