Am I crazy? Does anyone else feel this way?

Okay, so here goes trying to explain how I feel.. There's something really broken in my soul. I don't know when it happened. Or how far back it goes. But It has all these side effects, or symptoms I guess. Like, the voices. Not like "I should be in an asylum cause I hear voices" but like, 2 versions of me. Bickering away at all hours. I guess you can kind of thinking it like the angel and devil on your shoulder type deal but with hopeful logic and crazy. Hopeful Logic knows exactly what to feel and do and say, she's really smart. She knows all the answers. Like how you can know all the church answers. She gets the world like nobody else. But crazy, see she's smart too. She sees the world in a different light, or darkness I guess. She uses her brain powers for evil. But she's really tricky. She's like the fox in my head. Crazy is the loudest of the two. Hopeful logic has always been around talking to me. She is always good at calming me down. At showing me the truth in all the lies that crazy is always feeding to me. She's like a personal counselor in my own head. But the bad part is that she's real quiet. She isn't very assertive. She can be lazy sometimes. But crazy on the other hand. Crazy just gets louder and louder as the years go on. She started real small. But she's grown into a giant mess in my head. She's really convincing too. She's got me believing that I have no worth or purpose. That I'm an annoyance. She tells me I'm not good enough. And I always seem to believe her. Even though I know I shouldn't. But it doesn't really make a difference. Knowing. It just somehow makes it harder. Crazy uses my knowledge and insightfulness against me to make me feel invalid. Like I can't feel hurt because I know I should feel joy. So anyway, there's always this constant battle between my voices. Sometimes hopeful logic is my own voice. Sometimes its me fighting with everything I have. I always lose though. The battle never really ends. Sometimes it's quieter than usual. But it's an eerie quiet. The kind in a scary movie right before disaster hits.


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5 Replies

  • You literally just described me there in that! My 'fox' started about 8 years ago and that side of me too gets louder and louder as the years go pass. I've only just sought for help and what a weight off my shoulders. If you haven't done already please do, you will feel so much better. My crazy side like to play manipulative games with people to try and bring them on the same level as 'crazy' as me. And like you very intelligent, to the point where he has read countless psychology books in order to play games with people just to see what happens. It got worse over the years, quiet me used to be in control but like you, becoming quieter and quieter. I have the doctors this Friday to see what my outcome is. Again, if you haven't been to see your GP, please do. I would hate anyone to go as long as I have without help. Take care

  • I'm so sorry you also experience this! I'm still debating whether or not to tell my parents.. It hasn't been as bad lately but that doesn't mean it won't get bad again. I don't even know how long mine has been there.. It feels like it's such a part of me now that I don't even know what it would be like without it. I just assumed everyone had this same thing but I am learning that others don't.. I'm still trying to find a new counselor. So maybe soon! I hope it gets better for you!! Good luck with the doctor!

  • I think most people have little debates with themselves but perhaps not to the extent we do? if you have lived with it for a while (I'm about 8 years) I think it might be there for a good while. All we can do is keep trying to take control to a decent degree. I can't hold down any relationships cause of the way I am, don't know about you? It will get better, just a matter of time and patience I think. Let us know if you find the counseller to get you sorted. I always tell myself that the brain has a million things to think about and do, if your kidney stops working it's easily identified as it's job role isn't as complex as the brain, but the brain has so much going on it's harder to fix. Hope that makes sense?

  • ya, I agree. Mine has been around for a while, not as long as you but maybe like 3 years? going on 4 probably. I know what you mean... fingers crossed that it does; it's driving me mad. I will, thank you for the encouragement and understanding! Let us know when you get results from your doctor! That's definitely makes sense!

  • Hi

    It is your resistance to the negative thoughts and feelings that are keeping you in the anxiety cycle because you are fighting a battle that doesn't exist. Try doing the opposite and do absolutely nothing about the thoughts or feelings. Give up the fight and do not react. By not reacting (doing nothing) sends a message to your brain telling it there is no threat and switches off your fear/flight mechanism which drives the anxiety.

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