I truly am tired. Exhausted mentally and physically. I can't remember things anymore, basic things like the name of those yellow painpills or todays date. I used to have a near eidetic memory remembering things with vivid detail. Now I even forget my own age and name. I struggle to do simple calculations in my head where before I could easily run through complex formulas in my head within minutes.
I'm in constant pain with either this or that and after surviving glucophage poisoning about two months ago I've been suffering more and all the doctors I've seen say basically the same thing... my immune system is down because I'm stressed.
Yes, my educated superior, I am coping with an immense ammount of stress and anxiety so much so that driving down a certain stretch of road to work every day has me huffing and puffing and squirming because I am panicked out of my skull. Even writing this now is making me panic.
Yesterday I went to a dentist because i have a pain just under my cheek bone where I lost my teeth because a man attacked me in a bar for saying no to him. Granted I only lost two teeth and some dignity.
I know I have anxiety and am unable to cope with stress or raised voices due to childhood trauma, neglect or being the parent when my mother was unable to.
Yes, learned and esteemed medical person, my body is simply shutting down because I am constantly being stalked by a predator that technically does not exist. My stress is not a hungry panther breathing down my neck. I cant show you a gash or a burn or a rupture because there physically is none. It's in my brain.
It's how I was raised. It's the morals and ideals drilled into me by a hard working father and other family members who keep going. It's my late grandmother's wise words "if you don't do it, nobody else will". I am also plagued by my mother's inadequacy and her ability to make you feel guilty for not doing enough, not being worthy untill I've given all I have and more. My mother's attitude that I owe the world and nobody owes me anything. Growing up I had to be an adult much sooner than my peers and I carry that invisible and unrealistic responsibility that everyone else comes first and I'll stay on the back burner and how dare I think of myself before any one else.
These are some of the things that drive, feed and fuel my anxiety. How dare I not go to work just because I have a cold. How dare I put my needs before others. I can hear my mother say "what about me? I survived cancer! I gave birth to you! I never wanted children!"
So I get up and do everything I can because sitting down and taking care of myself beyond basic feeding and cleaning is not an option. Other's come first.
This is what every learned medical proffessional does not get. My invisible panther breathing down my neck telling me I am not worthy because I havent given enough yet. I havent paid my dues yet.
"No! You cannot paint today. You need to work and pay the bills... No! You cannot go to sleep yet, you need a workable solution to this miniscule problem. No! You cannot spend that extra money! Your mother might need it for her haircut or to go play on the slot machines."
I had hoped moving out of my parents house would stop these thoughts. But they haunt me as I live in my own house with my own spouse with my own rules... nope, my past haunts me and causes me even more anxiety now.
So, yes, my esteemed learned medical care provider. I am stressed. I am in pain most of the time. I am ill because my immune system is like worn out gauze. I know I need to take care of myself. I know it is all in my head.
I just have no idea how to stop being stressed and anxious.
Tired of checking with doctors
Feeling low and stressed in my job feels like I will lose everything but I am struggling to work
