Predictable Me

Hello...

I don't know where to start really; I've been staring at the word 'Hello' for fifteen minutes now - could be longer, and I can't settle on anything that comes to mind out of fear that the words I write will come back to haunt me, to call me out: When expressing my feelings or telling someone about myself, I always try to be completely honest and share everything, I do. Problem is, my metal state is so dynamic that my feelings are never the same from one day to the next. If I share something about myself, chances are I don't feel that way, or believe the same thing a short while after. I guess I get caught up in the moment when conversing: I develop, unknowing to myself at the time, an air of melodrama, reinforced with good old 'Exaggeration'.

It's not that I exaggerate facts about things that have happen, situations and that(that's just border lining lying in my opinion), I exaggerate how I feel about them; about how important they are and aren't to me. I don't mean to; but its hard - especially when at the time, you yourself are buying your own soap act. These missed placed importance's, 'me' believing the value I attach to them at the time, combine with my relentless need to explain myself(otherwise known as verbal diarrhea), have left me in a lot of introspective pickles, and caused a lot of sleepless nights.

This is what I mean when I refer to 'my words(or actions) coming back to haunt me'. And they go nowhere until they call me out for the fake that I take comfort in believing I am. But this freeing realization , comfort found in the definition of 'humility', is an ephemeral fix: it just leaves me numb, numb to the point where I can't differentiate between negative and positive feelings.

As result, to avoid these conflicting ideas I have about myself I have retreated from most forms of social interaction. I am aware this is an unhealthy solution but I can't face the level of anxiety I experience with the alternative.

I suppose I should finish with a question: The alternative being to face up to my fears, just get on with it, is easier said than done. Where am I going wrong?

2 Replies

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  • I should mention as advised, I'm new to this site; new to this form of support altogether.

  • Hi Predictable Me

    The way to recovery is to allow all those thoughts to come and not do anything about them. Do not put up any resistance to them and let them have their say. If they scare you, let them scare you but don't try to force them away. Give them their space. It is the fighting, the analysing, the trying to figure it all out that keeps sufferers in the anxiety loop. As I think you know, it isn't the thoughts that are the problem, it is your reaction to those thoughts that is the problem which is exaggerated by the anxiety so you need to learn not to react to them and leave them be. This is often referred to as acceptance (being comfortable about feeling uncomfortable) and the cornerstone of the recovery process.. Anxiety also creates doubt in your mind so it is no wonder a sufferer's viewpoint can change direction as easily as the wind. Don't try to control it. What will be, will be.

    It might be helpful if you read my earlier post as to what causes people to suffer from anxiety as well as first and second fear (you add more fear to fear). Second fear is your reaction to the first fear flash and is usually prefixed by "What if....?"

    To recover, you need to change your response to "So what" and mean it. Give up caring about it and your reactions to those scary thoughts will gradually disappear.

    Hop this helps

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