I don't know where to start really; I've been staring at the word 'Hello' for fifteen minutes now - could be longer, and I can't settle on anything that comes to mind out of fear that the words I write will come back to haunt me, to call me out: When expressing my feelings or telling someone about myself, I always try to be completely honest and share everything, I do. Problem is, my metal state is so dynamic that my feelings are never the same from one day to the next. If I share something about myself, chances are I don't feel that way, or believe the same thing a short while after. I guess I get caught up in the moment when conversing: I develop, unknowing to myself at the time, an air of melodrama, reinforced with good old 'Exaggeration'.
It's not that I exaggerate facts about things that have happen, situations and that(that's just border lining lying in my opinion), I exaggerate how I feel about them; about how important they are and aren't to me. I don't mean to; but its hard - especially when at the time, you yourself are buying your own soap act. These missed placed importance's, 'me' believing the value I attach to them at the time, combine with my relentless need to explain myself(otherwise known as verbal diarrhea), have left me in a lot of introspective pickles, and caused a lot of sleepless nights.
This is what I mean when I refer to 'my words(or actions) coming back to haunt me'. And they go nowhere until they call me out for the fake that I take comfort in believing I am. But this freeing realization , comfort found in the definition of 'humility', is an ephemeral fix: it just leaves me numb, numb to the point where I can't differentiate between negative and positive feelings.
As result, to avoid these conflicting ideas I have about myself I have retreated from most forms of social interaction. I am aware this is an unhealthy solution but I can't face the level of anxiety I experience with the alternative.
I suppose I should finish with a question: The alternative being to face up to my fears, just get on with it, is easier said than done. Where am I going wrong?