My mum's partner is a horrible bully, who thinks it's OK to emotionally bully women. He's bullied myself, my sister and my mum, to the point that my sister left home about 4 years ago. My mum never stands up for me, and her relationship with him has always come before my feelings, even when I was a small child! My sister still comes home to visit, and gets him a little something at Christmas (which I personally think is very big of her.) Last year me and my mum's partner had a big row, because I could hear him being horrible to my mum, so I stepped in to defend her (BIGGEST MISTAKE I EVER MADE!) The whole thing was blamed on ME! My mum didn't speak to me for weeks. Even when she did start speaking to me again our relationship has been very strained. Since then I haven't spoken a single word to the man, despite us living under the same roof. He makes me feel so uncomfortable and tense in my own home. I'm not welcome to sit downstairs with everyone, I spend my time at home in my room. I try to get out as much as possible but sometimes I have no choice but to be at home. I always used to get him a Birthday card and a small Christmas present, but this year I decided against it, and my mum has barely spoken 2 words to me since Christmas.
I've tried to talk about my anxiety and depression to my mum, but she says nothing, even when I told her I have my first appointment for CBT next week, she still says nothing. I don't feel that I have a mum any more, I just feel like a lodger in this house and it hurts so much. Maybe she knows deep down that all this anxiety and depression is HER fault! How can you love and hate someone at the same time?!?
Written by
JB2156
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
16 Replies
•
Hi. JB. I dont think it is your mums fault anymore than it is yours for feeling as you do. We are all caught up in this game called 'life' and have to make the best of it we can. Some men are born bullies. From the playground to the grave you meet them. (Some women too, but nowhere near as much). You dont say how old you are or if you can find another place to live beacause this situation is not doing you much good, is it? Your mum is torn between two loyalties, you and her partner. Very difficult. There is an old saying, "Never come between two people who lay their heads on the same pillow". I believe it to be true. Keep out of it as best you can and try not to provoke any antagonism. I am not minimising how difficult this is for you but your own welfare must come first in this. Your CBT may help as it can give you a different perspective on your situation and I wish you every success with it. In the meantime I suggest keeping your head below the parapet. There is not a lot you can do about the partner as you mum will probably favour him, but that does not by any means mean that she has stopped loving you. Try not to hate. A nasty and powerful emotion that only rebounds back on to you. Go on loving your mum. Feel sorry for her if you must, but dont blame her, she probably feels she is doing the right thing. Best wishes. jonathan.
Wise words above. I had similar experiences with my parents well into my twenties. It tore me in two the tension of not being spoken to and not wanting to speak even now I find it difficult to refer to them as my parents. I don't call my dad 'dad' as he wasn't one in my eyes. I feel for you being in that situation as I know the pain it can cause. I resented my mum as she was as bad but as a child you look to your mum for that security despite how awful they can be. Whether you can or not don't walk away from the situation until you hate no longer, try and understand where they are coming from that doesn't mean see it as justifiable, it's not, not in any shape or form. It's just that if you walk away with hate, or even just feelings of injustice you will more than likely suffer from feelings that will churn inside of you, even determine your future relationships for a long time if not the rest of your life. One day I decided I would no longer hate and it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders only thing was, I lost a decade or more by not doing it sooner.
Hi. hollow. I too came from a fraught background which was not as bad as yours or Rose's but the cause was rather the reverse. Although my father was a policeman he was very weak at home. Did his job well, I was told, but when it came to handling my mother he lost out on all counts. My mother was a 'dominant' female. She despised my father because he was a kind and gentle man, and never asserted himself at home. My mother had an affair which practically destroyed the home. My mother then blamed me. "if it wasn't for you I would have left him long ago" To a young boy this was devastating and the guilt is still, sometimes, with me. I have forgiven my mother, although she is long since dead. As for my father, who is also dead, I can only feel sorry for him. But, in a way, my mother did me favour because she would always stand up for herself, although, in a way, she was a bully too. I always have been able to do that. No bully got past me without a struggle!! We often say on this site "It takes all sorts", well, it does, doesn't it? Love. J.
Hi Jonathan. Like you despite the bitter taste I got to a point were no one was going to bully me and I wouldn't stand by and watch anyone else being bullied. Got into a few scrapes with that one tho and have the scars to show for it! Their behaviour meant that I would not raise a hand to my children and an odd one but I will never smoke. We certainly are a mixed bunch!
"How can you love and hate someone at the same time?" Very very easily, my love! The opposite of love isn't hate, and the opposite of hate isn't love - it's indifference! Both love and hate mean a relationship - indifference means no relationship.
Sorry, Jonathan and Hollow, I'm going to disagree - I DO think JB's mother has some responsibility here. If a woman - or a man, come to that - has a child - then they have a duty of care towards that child which, in my opinion, comes before any other relationship. I do have some personal knowledge of this. My father was an emotional bully (less a physical one, although there were times ....). My mother was the classic "mouse" who had been taught that a woman's duty was to her husband; she never stood up for herself - but she did for us children, every time!!! And, guess what - when she did, HE backed down! Bullies are usually cowards!
Dear JB, it must be such a difficult situation for you, feeling that you "don't have a mum any more". I never felt I had a "Dad" and i know what that did to me, emotionally, although as a child i accepted it as the "norm" - which it wasn't.
I have a few suggestions. First - could you talk to your sister about it? It sounds as if she's found a way of dealing with the situation, and she might be able to advise you. Could you go and stay with her for a bit, or is that not possible? Just some thoughts.
The other suggestion - you say you can't move out, you don't say how old you are, although I suspect not that old But - you could look to see if there is a YMCA in your area. No, hun, they're not going to "preach" to you lol - but they do do a lot of work with vulnerable young people; they may - I can't promise! - be able to offer you support, perhaps even temporary accommodation and so forth. I think they do do very good work, and it sounds like you need that sort of support atm. If this sounds like a good idea - or even a possible one - go to:-
Hi Rose and JB if my post came across as parents not taking responsibility it wasn't meant. It's about being the bigger person and having control over our choices. I am not condoning what either parent is doing nor do I think is Jonathan.
No, Hollow,hun, I understand, and you're right about hate only hurting the person who hates - been there, got the t-shirt n it didn't suit me I think I just wanted to make the point that - in my opinion, and it is only an opinion - JB's mother is reneging on her responsibilities to her children - and that it ISN'T JB's fault!
Absolutely she is as is her partner and JB shouldn't think otherwise however I know from experience that these people are very difficult to change so often the only thing left is the choices we make.
Dear Rose. I dont think you are disagreeing. What you say is so true. Yes, if a women or a man has a child then they have a duty of care, but do they know that? Duty of care, to some people, means absolutely nothing, and no amount of explaining or persuasion will alter it. We are dealing with a kind of mental intransigence that is sometimes unbelievable. If we won't accept we have a problem then how can we change it? Bullies are always full of themselves. Unless stood up to, when they usually deflate, they go on being bullies. But a young girl cannot stand up to this kind of bullying, and to stand by and watch it happening must be awful. You say your father was an emotional bully. But did he know that? "Spare the belt and spoil the child". What a diabolical thing they used to say, but some men back then (and even now) believed it. The rest of what you say, Rose, I entirely agree with. But hollow makes a valid point. None of this is justifiable under any circumstances, and I suggest that emotional violence can be worse than the physical variety and longer lasting. (Anyway I don't disagree with the first bit of your post either.!!). Lots of Love. jonathan.
Very true, Jonathan. My father was an emotional bully, because (I think, in retrospect) his only "status" was as "head of the family" - which the man most definitely was in those days. Personally, i think if a man can only feel "a man" by bullying women and children, then he is totally despicable. Did my father know he was a bully? I don't know, but his family was the "stage" upon which he could strut. When my mother took the "stage" away - by telling him to leave, after 30+ years of marriage (or do I mean hell?) - he crumpled, he cried, he begged her to take him back, he rang me at work "put in a good word for me with mum!" - like hell I would, I was protecting HER from HIM! (And I was only 19!)
Sorry, JB's story probably pushed a few of my buttons, because i know my mother, who had her own problems, would, if necessary, have given her life to protect any of us children from my father. I've never had children, but I simply do not understand (my failing, probably) how a woman can NOT protect her child. And, in the end, it isn't JB's fault - she's been horribly let down by the two most "significant adults" in her life, the ones who should care for and protect her.
Sorry JB, feel we're "discussing" you on your thread, which is a bit rude! Do look at the YMCA, hun, they might be able to help!
Lots of love and caring hugs, hun {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JB}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} and a smiley face to try to cheer you up!
I'm so sorry to hear what you're facing. The atmosphere at home must be awful. Is there someone you can stay with, like your sister maybe, until things improve? I know what its like to be on the receiving end of a silent treatment. I call it the "cold war".
As a mother, her duty is to protect you. No doubt about that. She is probably torn between her duty towards you and her feeling towards her partner. Sometimes when caught in such situations, a person can become incapacitated with indecision. And sometimes, what seems easiest to do, is to get mad at the one who appears to be rocking the boat, i.e. you. In her mind, she probably thinks if only you'd learn to like and get along with him, things would be fine.
As for how you can love and hate someone, I think its possible. You love her because she is your mom, and probably for the good times the two of you shared before her partner came into the picture. You hate her because you cannot understand why she isn't standing up for you. In your eyes, that is a terrible betrayal, especially when she opted to blame you when you were only standing up for her. You can love a person, but hate the things they do. Perhaps that is how you are feeling now?
Can you get someone to go with you to your appointment? Your sister, or perhaps a good friend or relative?
I hope things improve for you. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.
Dear. JB. In the midst of all this 'discussion' I do hope you will not feel what you originally wrote about was forgotten. Everyone on this site cares about you and are behind you so if you want to come back you are always welcome. Have a good go if you feel like it. This is the best place for it. God bless you. Love. J.
Hi all, it's so comforting to have support. To answer your questions, I am 20 years old coming on 21. I spent my whole school life being bullied, but that's nothing compared to being bullied in your own home. Since I left school I promised myself I would never become my mum and let people walk all over me. My manager at work has even noticed this defensive trait in me, so maybe I've gone too far the other way. I have been saving up with my boyfriend to move out, but as of January my hours have been cut Which my boyfriend says is a blessing in disguise, as I was becoming stressed at work. My sister lives too far away for me to go and stay with her, and commute to my job. My boyfriend's mum has offered me to move in with them, but I feel that if I do that then the relationship between my mum and I will become worse. I suppose my mum doesn't know better, as she grew up watching my grandfather treat my nan like rubbish. The difference is my nan ALWAYS stood up for her children. I really miss the relationship I used to have with my mum, it makes me so angry that he's taken her away.
You can be sure of our support on here love. My ex husband was a bully as well, to the point sometimes that I daren't leave the house in case he let fly at our kids. I don't think she is ignoring you. I think she may be more likely watching you from afar because if she shows you too much attention she may have to watch you suffer or suffer herself at his hand. It is a terrible position for you and your Mum. Please don't hate her, she will care more than you know.. The worm WILL turn one day, the trouble is you have to leave them to it and get on with your own life. You deserve a life, make one sweetheart....and keep blogging. We care.
Sorry you're going through such a tough period at the moment. There is a lot of wonderful advice above so I won't add to it (apart from to say read Ella's post carefully because in my experience she maybe closer than you know). Sorry to hear your hours have been cut too, it's a terrible time to be in childcare. Try to take this time as the break you need to rejouvinate yourself. What about giving yourself a physical break too - stay at your BFs mums for a week or two? You're not moving out, you're just having a hol? Then in a wk or so you can decide whether you want to move back or not. A little distance while give you some perspective.
Sorry - for someone who wasn't giving you advice I do go on a bit!!!!
I know what you mean when you say you made a promise to yourself to never become your mother. But please be careful not to take that to the other extreme. In trying not to become her, you may end up becoming too aggressive and defensive, just to prove to yourself you are not a human doormat. I know its difficult, trying to strike the right balance. But just because you are exposed to her does not mean you will become her. The fact that you are able to see the errors of her ways is proof that you won't be her. So please don't overcompensate in your attempts not to become her.
I understand that the option that allows you to escape from the situation (i.e. moving out) may make things worse. If moving out is not an option, try not to get worked up about the silent treatment she gives you. Try to spend more time outside the house with your bf, or spend time in your room, doing something you like.
Your mom is probably coping with the situation the best way she knows how. Her method may not be right, but its the only method she knows to take. Try to see it as she's doing HER best, the only way she knows how, given the situation. This may help your feelings of anger and resentment.
She may or she may not change. But the bottomline is, there's nothing you can do about the choices she makes. Don't hate her or her partner (know thats easier said than done), because hate is a double sword. You stick one end in the person you hate, you end up sticking the other end in yourself.
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
and have the scars to show for it! Their behaviour meant that I would not raise a hand to my children and an odd one but I will never smoke. We certainly are a mixed bunch!
But - you could look to see if there is a YMCA in your area. No, hun, they're not going to "preach" to you lol - but they do do a lot of work with vulnerable young people; they may - I can't promise! - be able to offer you support, perhaps even temporary accommodation and so forth. I think they do do very good work, and it sounds like you need that sort of support atm. If this sounds like a good idea - or even a possible one - go to:- 
I think I just wanted to make the point that - in my opinion, and it is only an opinion - JB's mother is reneging on her responsibilities to her children - and that it ISN'T JB's fault! 
Can someone please talk to me. I'm so alone with all this, Idk what to do
join me in my balloon
Someone please just talk to me
My older sister is unbearably depressed 
