What Was

[smjtty]

Look at me look at the person I have become

Were did I go did this happen to me O God

Why were did I go were

Were did everyone go I remember me yes the real

Me I love with this person that does not

Look like me and she freaks me out not living

But hanging on not feeling good like I did

The spark and flame has turned and died

To darkness of ash the dirt of dark marks

That cannot be removed what has happened

To me O God I miss me yes I miss the real

Me so just cry and no one will hear you

Crawl into your hole of darkness wanting

Momma but look to bad for Momma

To see me like this all this med what will it

Do to my head O God were did I go

Not to ever return the burning candel

Lost its flame no one can look at the monsters

Ashs but hang on this Is to bumpy of a ride

Walking around not knowing all of these people

And what is the big deal with just hello

That is it washed up in the tangled web

Of hair so what I look bad any way

How did my hart brake in peaces

My long time broken nose I cry

Washed up in a big ocean of no one

Gives a dam Its to hard thinking

About what was

[RyRywifey]

I literally feel like you just wrote every single thought I have been having for like an hour 😔😔😔😔😔

[RyRywifey in reply to RyRywifey]

Not an hour, more like 7 months smh I don't know what to do.... But it feels okay not to be alone... But I'm sorry you feel this way... I wouldn't wish this on anyone at all 😔😔😔😔😔

[smjtty in reply to RyRywifey]

Those words are so meaningful so powerful

And yet so true not to be able to be a lone with this look over and over again in dis be life did this realy happen to me

[RyRywifey in reply to smjtty]

Like I'm just literally sitting here in tears like wtf happened to me??!! I used to be so happy so full of life! So ready for the day when I got up in the morning, felt important, felt like somebody! Just 7 months ago! Then everything changed in November. I haven't been the same since. I feel like a nobody. I lost my job last year, moved to a different state. I homeschool my little girl. So I feel like I have no one to help me with her while I look for a job. I'm a mess. I used to love myself so much and now I just look at myself like who tf have I become and what happened to me. I feel like such a failure. I'm afraid of everything. Can't even get in the car without being afraid of an accident smh I'm a complete wreck and I don't see a way out

[smjtty in reply to RyRywifey]

My friend my life changed for a few resons and a high dose

of vitamin D realy messed me up when there is no one to turn to then what I feel like you do

[RyRywifey in reply to smjtty]

What did the vitamin D do to you?.. Did it give you substance induced anxiety/panic disorder like me? Mine was marijuana induced smh one night made me this way since November

[JackMcG in reply to RyRywifey]

I think joining this forum may really help you. There are many people here who completely understand how you feel. The amazing people I've communicated with on this forum never judge me. We are all at different stages in our fight against depression and anxiety. You will find sympathy, true empathy and an acceptance of who you are here. This forum isn't a cure all or a magic answer to all our problems, but it has helped me such a lot. When I realised I wasn't alone and that I wasn't some kind of weak and terrible man for feeling so depressed and anxious, it was like turning a corner. I'm not suddenly cured. I will always have to fight my depression and anxiety. I have clinical depression, but this forum has been a godsend. I really hope you find some help and comfort here too.

Best wishes

Jack

[RyRywifey in reply to JackMcG]

Thank you so much, that truly means so much to me. This forum has indeed been helping me cope and understand that I'm not alone. And knowing I'm not alone is more than enough on top of not being judged. I actually really love it here. Thank you 😌

[Lizbett in reply to JackMcG]

Hey there Jack. Please also have a look at the Action on Depression forum here. There a great bunch of folks too.

Take care.

[JackMcG in reply to Lizbett]

Thanks Lizbett, I've just joined Action on Depression.

[smjtty in reply to RyRywifey]

Yes my friend the deep thoughts and feelings

[JackMcG in reply to RyRywifey]

Smjtty is extremely at good at describing how depression, anxiety and regret feel.

I'd like to see her words published if she would allow it, because I think a lot of people who don't understand depression and anxiety could learn a lot from her words.

[JackMcG]

Once again Smjtty, your prose is so melancholy but reverberates with everyone who has felt depressed and defeated. You certainly have a gift when it comes to describing the awful nature of depression and anxiety.

Could you do something for me Smjtty? I wonder if you could write a piece of prose describing what it felt like to be happy and how you would like to feel in the future. Would that be too difficult? If it is please don't try to do it.

A human brain is a bit like a computer. If you program a computer with harmful code, that computer will never work properly.

If we humans keep programming our brains with negative thoughts and reinforcement we will continue to get negative feelings and outcomes.

I'd really like to see you use your skills as a writer of prose to write something optimistic, something that mentions how strong you are and how you have endured and survived.

You have come through such a lot Smjtty, you have suffered unfairly and you've been hurt. But you never gave up and you are still here. That shows amazing courage and tenacity.

You no longer have to exist in panic mode. You don't have to continue to inflict abuse on yourself just because others abused you for so long.

You are safe now. You have friends here who care.

I'd really like to see you put some positive programming into the Smjtty 'computer'. Are you going to let this fear and self loathing finish you off after surviving so much?

I know it's hard. Please don't think I'm being harsh. I'm trying hard to find a way to help you if I can.

I think you deserve to be happy, or at the very least less unhappy and fearful.

You're not alone. Not here. No matter what you write I will continue to read your comments because they are so powerful. They're difficult to read sometimes because they can be so sad.

You are in my thoughts often. I wish there was more I could do to help. Maybe you just want someone to listen and recognise your pain. I'll always listen.

Jack

[RyRywifey in reply to JackMcG]

Beautifully said......

[Hidden]

Nice smjitty

[Hidden]

We could have a poem section in the categories when choosing a topic before posting

That way all these lovely poems that get written could easily be found all in one place and members would easily find them to read

Just say if you would like me to add the option

Bexley1

[smjtty in reply to Hidden]

Im not sure why my wrighting can not stay were they are

[Hidden in reply to smjtty]

Yes your writing would stay here as a post but once we get more posts instead of your poems getting missed they could all be easily still found because if you look at the right side of the page where it says " Topics " if you liked we could have a section for poems so they would also all be in there as well this way once your post starts to get lost among all the traffic of other posts they can easily be found again as well as any other members that wish to add poems in there to

Was just a thought as so many members seem to get so much from reading others poems and only a suggestion

[smjtty in reply to Hidden]

Im sorry I do not understand

This is how I wright I love to wright this way

It is upsetting to know it should be moved

I do not want to change my style of wrighting for anyone Im so sadden by this thought I really do not want to wright any thing

On top of how sick I feel your request can be denyed

Thank You

[Hidden in reply to smjtty]

That's fine , sorry you do not quiet understand what I was saying and we will leave it as it is

[smjtty]

I feel so bad I do not want to wright

[Hidden]

smjtty

I think you have taken what I was suggesting totally the wrong way , it was actually meant as a compliment towards your wonderful poetry and was only A " Suggestion " not A " Request " and things will stop the same just as they are

Please continue to write as we all enjoy your contributions