Angry, Bitter, Anxious

[Beth1982]

I have had a rough few days. I didn't sleep well last night and today I woke up angry, bitter and of course anxious. I started to take an Ativan, call into work, and let my kids miss school. Instead I pushed through..I have my first CBT appointment today ( it takes over 1 hour for me to drive there) I'm anxious about the drive, my throat still feels swollen (since Monday night) I feel alone, my husband does "okay" with supporting me but not what I truly long for, my sister acts like I'm contagious, my mom thinks I'm weak and I have no one else. Today, I'm on the verge of tears today. I question, " why me", " why can't I be normal", " is this really how the rest of my life is going to be"???

[Oliveira42970]

Hang in there I'm in the same boat at times I feel alone what anxiety does is crazy hopefully the cbt will help I know mine is helping me good luck keep me posted

[Beth1982 in reply to Oliveira42970]

I will probably cancel the appointment. I don't feel well enough to drive myself over an hour away. I'm so sad

[Agora1]

Dearest Beth, my heart goes out to you. words can't express how I know what you are feeling. It's hard not to be angry and scared when it keeps happening day after day. You said it in one sentence about your support team, how can it not feel like you are all alone with this vengeful disorder. I know the tears are always there ready to open up the flood gates, but then if you are like me, a headache will follow from tightened muscles. An hour's drive is far when in your state of anxiety. I hope you are able to go. CBT can do small wonders but it takes time. My therapist is able to do phone therapy which is nice but a little too comfortable in my not wanting to get out. I wish you well with the decision you make. I didn't realize you work as well. You have a lot to contend with. But it doesn't always have to be this way. It's a matter of finding out through trial and error what will work best for you, not just in medication but in therapy techniques. Let us know how you do with CBT today. Feel better Beth, I'll keep you in my thoughts. xx

[Beth1982 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you. I am a full time high school teacher and mother of 4. I feel like a horrible mother and teacher, right now. It's my planning period and I actually came to my car so I could cry. I just want it to stop.

[Agora1 in reply to Beth1982]

Hugs to you Beth.....xxx

[Beth1982]

I cancelled my appointment I was to afraid to drive myself and my 11 yr old daughter ( I was afraid of a panic attack - didn't want her to be alone with me and experience that) I am searching for a psychologist that can do CBT via phone or video until I get on my feet. I had not ate or drank anything all day and I'm home now and forced myself to eat a small meal and drink a little water. I really need things to change. I do nothing with my family anymore.

[Agora1 in reply to Beth1982]

Beth, it's okay. I couldn't have done an hour drive either. I understand by not wanting to have your daughter see you in a panic state if that were to happen. It is NOT a failure. I hope you do find a therapist who can at least get you started with CBT by phone or video. Until you feel more secure. I know you need and want things to change and they will in small steps.

Sending you hugs and support. xx

[Beth1982]

Thank you...

[Agora1 in reply to Beth1982]

Beth, it's not easy. I just came back from the DRIVE THRU to our pharmacy.

5 min away. My mouth is bone dry, my throat is tight and my stomach has

butterflies. Some people would think that's because of being away from home but it's not. In an hour, I have a roofer coming to give me an estimate. Worried about that because I don't like commitments hanging over my head because of the "what ifs". You are not alone in feeling like you do. xx

[Beth1982 in reply to Agora1]

I truly appreciate your support. I wonder if I'll ever go back to being "me" again?