Anxious Newbie

Hi, I'm new here. I wanted to join as I have been suffering from depression for many years and also anxiety. I have generalised anxiety disorder, depression, unresolved grief, PTSD. The anxiety has only come on over the past few years. As I'm writing this I'm feeling anxious, palpatations, numb. Horrible. I hate going to work, I dont know if its right for me, I've been off a number of times with anxiety, and am currently off with a bad back, though its better now, I think deep down I don't want to go back, at all. And I am anxious which is why I don't want to go back. I want to hand my notice in, the job just makes me anxious. My doctor has said he won't do me another certificate so I've got to go back to work monday. I'm absolutely dreading it. Petrified. I'm worried because I've been off a number of times with anxiety, I had to have a meeting with HR and my manager about my sickness on sept 5th and now i'm frightenned its going to go to the next stage. I was doing well up until this episode and was due to see them again on nov 5th but didnt because of my back. Then was meant to see them yesterday but again because I'm off i didnt. I'm worried I'm going to be asked to leave. Which is making me anxious.

My boss said to me yesterday, as I had said i may try and come back saturday, to go back to my gp friday to say im fit for work. I'm worried about that now, ARGGGGHHHHHHH.

Waffling i know, I just dont know what to do. I'm so fed up with feeling like this.


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230 Replies

  • Hiya. sorry your having a bad time and experiencing all this anxiety, i hope we can help you on this site, everyone is very nice so you should get lots of support and hopefully a few ideas to help you with your anxiety.

    Can I ask are you having any other intervention from GP other than sickness certificates? Meds, therapy ect?

    Oh and theres nothing wrong with a good old waffle, i waffle frequently :0) xx

  • I'm seeing a counsellor which is through work. Went today, feel totally bombarded. I'm seeing a psychiatrist aswell which is through my GP. I'm seeing him tomorrow, which i'm dreading. I have had cognative therapy before but feel it didnt help at all. I'm at the end of my tether, I'm on mirtazipine for depression and citalopram supposedly for my anxiety, I'm even anxious about the psychiatrist tomorrow. My situation is that I'm living with my aunt, which is making me ten times, if not a million times more anxious. I've got a splitting head tonight. My counsellor today said to tell the psychiatrist everything, because as far as they know i'm living at my mums in another county. I feel that they'll be mad at me if i tell them ive moved. But ive been living here at my aunts for ages. Before that somewhere else. It's all got too complicated and I'm sooooo stressed. She advised me to go to my gp friday and because of having a bad back, to ask about maybe seeing a specialist. Im petrified about that even. Had enough of life to be honest. My head feels like its going to explode.

  • Yeh its so overwhelming especially when you feel so low, but stick with, eventually it will help you, be totally honest about everything with your therapists and then they will have the whole story from your social situation to your current health issues and so they will help you deal with everything with an accurate knowledge of you and your life. Its natural to feel mega anxious about these things and they are major steps for you to make but they will be worth it. Remember its not an overnight fix (sorry total cliche but also totally true lol) it may take for a little while to feel any better but you will, and myself and others here will be hear to support you.

    I used to get horrendous head aches from all the stress and upset when i was in my worst stages of depression/anxiety so i can totally understand the feelings that your heads gonna explode and the had enough of life.

    Dont give up, talk to us and we shall help you as much as poss....:0) xx

  • Thankyou Caz I really appreciate your comments. As the nights wearing on I'm still feeling anxious. Going over in my head what to say. Think I'll be taking another diazepam in a minute. Don't even know if that helps. I spoke briefly to my boyfriend earlier, who said I need to get back to work, as have been off with this bad back, now I'm anxious about going back, I dont want to go back at all. I want to hand in my notice. I know I can't. I'd be up ****creek. But I can't help how I feel. I wish I had people to talk to. I feel like everyone has had enough and that no one understands, its so hard.

  • I used to do that and try to think what to say prior to therapy appointments.... but it will only enhance your stress levels to do this and make you feel worse, because if your anything like i was you will get upset that you cant think of something to say that makes sense and gets everything in that you think the therapist should know. But try and remember until you start therapy things probably wont make much sense and you dont need to tell the therapists everything all in one go because during each session and over time you will touch on each aspect of your anxiety and eventually it will all be laid out there for you to work on.

    The work thing will be up to you, but i would say dont be hasty and quit just yet, if you can talk to you boss and explain the problems your having they may be able to help you in some way? could you do that?

    I know how you feel when you say you feel like everyone has had enough of you and no one understands but i care and so do others on this site who have had similar experiences you always got me to talk to I know its not the same as having a face to face someone, but hey its a start :0)

  • Its so reassuring to know that theres people out there who understand. I feel worse about my psychiatrist because have been seeing him a while now and have said I'm living at my mums, he and my gp think I live at my mums, and I'm frightenned that if I say something about my anxiety living here at my aunts, I'll be putting that at jeopardy. That I'll lose both of them. I couldnt bear it if i lose my GP.

    Work know all about my health problem, my anxiety, and my boss knows some things about how unhappy I am living here at my aunts,and I have been off with a bad back before.. I find it hard to talk to people let alone my boss. I'm due to have a review of my sickness which is petrifing me. As I said in my first post, I had one in sept, and was meant to be having one nov 5th. Didnt because i was off sick. Typical isnt it. This is now going to go against me and i'm terrified. I feel I want to quit before they get rid of me.

    My head still feels like its going to explode.

  • Sorry i just re-read out conversation and seen that you have already said you have counselling through work, which would lead me to say your employer is trying to help you with your situation so use them to help as much as possible, try and talk to your employer and keeping this counselling going, alterations in hours maybe, lighter work load for the time being? whatever you think could work? even if it only works a little bit, a little bit is a start...ok i wil shut up now and give you chance to answer hehe :)

  • So your therapists and GP are based where you mum lives, but you live in another county with your Aunt is that right?

    Try and go to this meeting and see whats its about it may not be as bad as what your imagining it may be that they are trying to work out ways to help you stay at work, you never know. I know how easy it is to think the worst though and that despite what i say you probably will still think the worst but while you are also try and think the opposite, that it may be better news than you wont know until you have been.

  • Yes, in east sussex, I live in west sussex. Have since april, but before that I lived in surrey. Complicated. I just havent changed gp. I didnt feel that it would help me and my anxiety to change. I'm dreading telling my psychiatrist i've moved. I feel he'll say something to my gp. Then I'll lose my gp. GODDDDDDD.

    The meeting at work hasnt been rescheduled yet, but I'm sure I'm at stage one now, which means I may be redeployed, I just don't know. They said at the first meeting I need to think if the jobs for me. I feel it isnt, but I can't not have a job, and I've got a cat in hells chance of getting another job, because of my sickness record. Nightmare isnt the word for it.

  • Yeh its a combination of difficult nightmares for you especially when your already fighting other things, i have no idea what will happen with the GP thing but I think it may be worse for you to keep the secret could be adding extra stress on your already packed out mind. Have you thought about reducing your hours and looking for another job? do you mind if i ask what you do? xx

  • I've been looking for another job, I just don't hold out much hope. Ive been asked about reducing my hours but i just couldnt afford to i dont think. Maybe dropping one day. I don't know. I work as a rehabilitation assistant, for the nhs. Been there two years in december. It's been such a tough two years believe me. I'm going by my counsellors suggestion, about telling the psychiatrist everything. I'm in two minds.

  • One day may help, worth a try? where did you work before the rehab? has it been tough in your current job for any one reason or is it a combination of things anxiety ect?

  • Its just the money side of things though. I earn quite a good wage. I could probably do it. Cut out one day? Hmmmmm. Before that I didnt have a job for 8 months, was signed on at the job centre.. The job I had before that was a temporary job, so that was no fault of my own. I'm terrible at keeping jobs to be honest. I get very depressed and go into deep deep depression, end up having weeks off,and now having anxiety aswell doesnt help. I lost another job due to my sickness, having time off in my probationary period. I just seem to mess everything up. I went off from one job with severe depression for 5 months, again no fault of my own as i was bullied by my manager, that was an extremely tough time.

    My current job I feel like I don't fit in, that i'm not capable of the job. Theres one particular person I don't like and have told my boss. As she keeps having digs at me and its making me feel awful. My boss told me to talk to this person but I havent. I'm anxious when I'm around her. I've got to leave. I don't know what else I can do. I'm due back monday at 1pm, which i'm dreading. I feel like everyone will hate me. Its an awful feeling. Ive been off with an ear infection before, and then was off with anxiety as i couldnt bear to go back, now its happening again..

    Going to bed now, my minds doing somersaults.

    Thankyou for talking to me. I'll be back tomorrow. xx

  • I was the same for years i have had depression and have GAD I was in and out of jobs for years due to anxiety, I had a great career although short lived as a nurse but i was convinced that each job i had nursing or not was the cause of my problems but as i worked through things it turns out thats not true, i was leaving jobs because i was so anxious all the time about everything that it impacted on my beliefs in my own capability ect, i found i could manage short term in jobs but then became ill because i was fighting so hard to keep anxiety at bay every day but never really dealing with it and so it was like a time bomb eventually it went off and left me more anxious and in depression. So i do understand how difficult this is for you and if i can i will help as much as you away my friend you never know we may come up with some great ideas :0)

    Anyway goodnight and good luck for tomorrow, i will be on here at some point tomorrow and your welcome for the chat like i said anytime xx

  • Hello :0) Just checking in Rach to see how your doing hope all is well..... :0)

  • Hi Caz, Ive been a wreck all day :( I didnt go to the psychiatrist in the end, I'm regretting that I didnt now. I don't know why I didnt I just couldnt face it. Telling him everything. I don't know whether to go to the doctor tomorrow. My counsellor said I should but I don't know what to do. I feel under pressure.

    My aunt spoke to me earlier, it wasnt a go at me, she was just saying she was worried about me about me being in all the time. I should go out. I'm not one for going out really, I don't like being told what to do. I feel even more awkward living here and more anxious. I've had to resort to taking a diazepam again today, I don't know if that helps. Argghhhhhh don't want to go to the doctor tomorrow. I feel so anxious about going.

  • Sorry you couldnt go today, but its done now so dont feel bad about it, im sure your therapist has a good idea why you didnt go and wont be mad with you or anything. You can try again to go and see someone tomorrow , your doctors like you said. is there anyone who can go with you to the doctors just for moral support?

  • Hi Caz, no no one to go with. I'm going because of my infected toe, and my counsellor said to ask about a referral for my back. I'm dreading it, i bet i wake in the morning and dont go. I will also ask for a fit for work certificate, although i dont want to go back at all. Ever. If i tell him ive got anxiety again, I dont think he'll be happy with me. I hate having to go and feel like im only going because im under pressure to. So i'm getting stressed about it all. Don't want to go to sleep. :( When i rung about not seeing the psychiatrist they said theyd reschedule it. Like you said my counsellor wont be mad, but i cant help but feel she will. Anxiety again. I'm such a worrier. Don't know what to do. :(

  • If you feel that you not well and still anxious you tell them, it doesnt matter what ppl think if you havent got a handle on it you havent and therefore you are entitiled to further help its thier duty of care, its not a quick fix and that is nothing for you to feel ashamed about its reoccurring and need addressing for you. I know its hard when you worry about what ppl will think or say like you say its that bloody beast known as anxiety isnt it, but keep at it Rachy until something starts working, something will!

    Now for tonight i prescribe a good scream into the pillow and sleep:).....i know sleep is like a rare luxury when your anxious but give it a go....switch the telly onto something easy watching and boring to help you drop off....ok im really going now. Take care speak soon x

  • Im off to bed now, just wanted to say if you cant make it to your doctors tomorrow maybe ring them and have a chat instead? there may be more help they can offer? Dont stress to much about telling your gp ect that you have moved i think the important thing at the moment seems to be just getting yourself from the house to the therapists for support. I know how hard this is for you i have been where you are and trust me eventually you will get going and start making good progess....there are a few charities that maybe abot to offer you adivice too ....MIND deal with lots of mental health issues and i hear great things about them.

    Speak to you soon, good luck and i will have my boney little fingers crossed for you all day tomorrow :)

  • Hi Caz, going to the doctor, but i'm anxious as its not my usual doctor. I want to ask to be signed off a few more days, I'm so anxious. I really dont' want to go back to work. I'm frightenned. I can't explain it to anyone else. Help if you're there? xx

  • Hello, sorry i didnt make it on yesterday, how did your day go yesterday? i know its so hard to explain but remember you dont have to give them every single thought you have at once just explain what you can at the time :0) xx

  • Hi Rach, just read the above. You are not alone! I'm in the same situation with my work. I have had meetings with HR my manager and OH. They keep telling me that their main concern is getting me back to health but at the same time they are now talking about discipline action. I dred going to work and often think about resigning. Like you I have so much sickness that getting another job would be difficult and def not one that pays as much. Anxiety can be very lonely and even doctors, family, friends and work colleagues are not able to fully understand in the way that fellow sufferers do. That is why this site is so great. If your like me you feel guilty and blame yourself for feeling unwell. We both need to remember that whatever consequences there are on our working lives, this illness is not our fault!

  • Thats so well said GADsufferer ;0) im sorry your also going through the same, i hate the fact that your work are threatening disipline action, its like they offering a helping hand to you and then snatching it away in the same support from appropriate charities would be awesome but i suppose funding it difficult with charities. A hope for the future.

  • Hi GADsufferer, OH you sound just like me, what a nightmare. I'm off another week, I didnt see my usual doctor, and the one I saw said I don';t know you very well. I explained I was feeling so anxious, and hes signed me off with anxiety. Also lumbago, chronic back pain. Aswell as everything else I've got a very sore toe, which he took one look at and said I may need minor surgery on it. Thats made me feel a bit worse. He said to book to see my usual doctor about it all. I'm dreading that because I feel hes going to have a go at me for being signed off again as he wouldnt sign me off. But then I didnt feel as anxious. Anyway got to try and get appointment tomorrow. Anxious about that. I may go to see my mum, and I'm dreading telling her I'm signed off. She has no idea that ive been off 3 weeks as it is, I'm not going to tell her that. Just that he signed me off friday. I think, I don't know what i'll say yet, Im absoluetly dreading it. I worry she won't want anything to do with me. Shes not very understanding. Or easy to talk to.

    Regarding work I'm petrified my boss is going to ring me tomorrow. And because i explained to a lovely lady i work with , everything, shes obviously told my boss. Who i think tried to ring me friday, but couldnt answer because i was driving. I just know what shes going to say. That its time i moved on, or that they cant keep me on. Am so petrified,

    Will be back on here tomorrow. Going to bed anxiousas usual :(

  • Good luck for tommorrow, hope you get some sleep tonight :)

  • Didnt go to the doctors, I'm such an idiot. I don't know why, Its mainly because of my toe i was going to go, but it didnt feel as sore this morning. Now it does, argggghhhhh.Got to try and go weds now. Still feeling anxious. My aunt said last night again that I should go out more.But I feel so down, incredibly, I can't face the world. Think thats why i didnt go this morning, just couldnt go. So fed up.

  • You are not an idiot Rach, you have anxiety its not your fault. Try again weds and then keep trying to go like you are doing, you have more strength than you know Rach and even though you have not yet been able to go you also keep making plans to try again, thats strength. Your aunt is probably just trying to help you and the only way she knows may be to suggest you go out, i know its not that easy trust me i didnt leave my house for 8 months at one time because of my anxiety/depression so i know how hard this is for you. Keep trying Rach you will get there. Can i ask are you still taking the meds your prescribed? and are you in contact with your therapists?

    Sending you as much support as i can through the internet cyber waves :)

  • Hi Caz, I'm going to see if can get appt in the morning, though its difficult because my gp is only there till lunch time and I live 45 minutes away so i dont know if i'll make it before he goes. If not I'm going thursday. Im so anxious. When I'm off I dont get up very early, but i did pop out today into town. I'm dreading the doctor, feel like hes going to tell me off. I'm worried about my toe, its so sore. Anxious, anxious, anxious...

    I text my mum last night, I told her i was off, with bad back, toe. Didnt mention the anxiety. All i got from her was, how long had i been off for? I'll lose my job. I said i couldnt help it, then I got you could if you controlled your diabetes better. I said thats got nothing to do with my back. Then she came out with what was i doing at christmas. because her and her partner were poss going out for dinner or away. I just thought, youve got one daughter in ireland that you dont and won't see, and you dont want ot bother with me. I said dont you want to see me then? all i got was, I want a year off from doing it all. I can't believe her. Whats the problem making a little roast dinner for me her, her partner and my partner. Not a full blown xmas dinner. I feel shes just being funny because she couldnt care less about me. I'm absolutely dreading xmas as it is.

    Yes am still taking medication. Im waiting for appt for psychiatrist and next counsellor appt is the 30th. I keep taking diazepam at the moment. When i'm feeling really bad, which is a lot.

    I havent heard from work yet, I'm dreading having to go back, as i said before i dont ever want to go back really. What can i do.

    FED UP :(

  • Do you not think its worth moving GPs so its closer to you? i only ask as thats quite away to go for support when you feel as anxious as you have been, does the 45minute trip effect you or put you off at all? Well done on going into town, give youself some credit for that ;0) might seem small in comparison to what you having going on atm but its still a good thing to have done and deserves recognition from ya...well done xx

    Who in your family nad friends knows about your anxiety ect and out of those ppl do any of them support you in allowing you to talk ot going to appointments with you? xx

  • I've thought about moving gp's but i like my doctor, he knows me. I didnt think it would do me much good leaving my doctors, as in wouldnt help my anxiety. I'm always thinking of changing doctor though. The journey doesnt put me off really.

    My close friends know about my anxiety and i can generally talk to them. My boyfriend obviously. My mum and my sister know but dont give a s**t and both just have a go at me. I cant talk to them, my sister lives in Ireland now so I never talk to her. Even when i have she just gets funny with me. Mum hasnt got a clue. I honestly hate my life Caz. I know theres people in worse positions then me but i cant help feeling like that. No one ever comes to appts with me.

    My aunt had a dig at me earlier, saying can you not put pictures of spiders on facebook, her daugther doesnt like it, if i carry on she'll delete me. WTF, that increased my anxiety big time. Its ridiculous, telling me what to do. I'm dreading asking her tomorrow if my boyfriend can stay the night. I dread what response i'm going to get. I get all the time, what you up to tomorrow? where have you been today? GODDDDDDD just leave me alone.

    In a bad place.

  • Ok cool if your happy with your GP and the journey doesnt bother you then you stick with what your happy with :) like you said he knows you well so thats great. Would it help you to get to appointments to ask someone (friends, boyfriend) to accompany you there? i did this during my bad patches and it helped me alot, it was kinda like having a little distraction to stop my anxiety boiling over and prevent me attending.

    I cant speak for your family and thier response to all this as i dont know them, but i would say try as much as possible to focus on what you need to do to help yourself (appointments, meds, getting out ect) and seek help from those around you willing to give it, I know thats easier said than done but its possible.

    This bad will pass Rach and it will become more managable.....GP tomorrow yeh? get that pigging toe sorted out it must be killing ya, i have every sympathy with toe injuries by the way i fractured mine early this yr and man those little beggers hurt! You GP wont be mad at you Rach he knows you, so he has an understanding of what your facing at the mo.

    Keep going Rach Im always here for chats if want :) it will get better....and i know your probably reading this and going 'yeh right it wont get better'....i did just that when i was talking to ppl like this for help, i may have even swore at my computer screen! but it has got better for me and im improving every single day.....i have set backs of course but now instead of major set backs they are minor little now i tend to have a good burst of crying have a chat with my fella or on support sites and try again the next day...:)

  • Hi Caz, going to dr tomorrow. Not looking forward to it, my backs absolutely killing me tonight. I really dont want to go back to work monday Caz, I dont know what i'm going to do. Am sooooo anxious.

  • One day at time Rach.....tomorrow gps then once thats done you can look to what you need to do the day after :0) xx

  • I know, do i talk to him about my anxiety and my back? I cant even be bothered to get up early to go. Lifes so crap :(

  • Yeh i would get your toe seen to, tell him about your back and see if he can help anymore with your anxiety. If you got your back and toe better at least thats a couple of things off your mind. Really do try and get up early to go, it will be worth while, i know how difficult it is to find motivation but you need to dont you? like i say if your toe and back gets sorted at least thats something less bothering you :) xx

  • Went to the doctor, I spoke to him about my toe and ve got to have minor op on it on the 14th. My back he poked and prodded and it f'ing hurt. My back was no better this morning, still not good now. I'm falling apart. Hes referring me to a back specialist so got to wait for appt. I said to him about my anxiety, he wasnt keen on signing me off at all, and said i should try and go back to work. I said I just couldnt. He bloody signed me off for 3 months. I'm more stressed now.I said would, if i feel up to it, it be ok to go back sooner. He wasnt too keen and said because of my depression, anxiety its all probably connected to why my backs not right, or not helping and if i wanted to go back and he sign me back then ok. I'm so confused, anxious. Everythings just going wrong. My boyfriend is totally stressed with me. We ended up arguing a little. Has been a crap day all in all. I dont think he wants to be with me anymore. I dont want to lose him.

    I rung and spoke to my boss, who thought i was going back monday, When I told her i was signed off another 3 months she was so shocked. But we talked and she said to ring her in two weeks. But i may go back before that. She obviously didnt say that i didnt have a job, but said i need to think if it is for me.. I'm going to explode again. I'm worried about money and paying my loan. Don't know what to do, fed up with life..Got no one to talk to other then on here. When i talk to my boyfriend we end up arguing, he says i dont know whats going t become of you. What am i going to do.. What am i depressed about. I tell him everything and he just doesnt understand. I feel like I'm losing the battle now. I cant do it anymore.

  • Ok first of all well done on getting to the GPs i know how hard that was for you and you should totally give your self some credit for that. Even though your GP has signed you off for 3 months if you do feel ok before the end of 3 months you can go back like you GP said he will just sign you back on so you can change your mind nothings set in stone.

    Have you approached your boss about reducing your hours? you could reduce your hours and spend the rest of the time in a week going to counselling ect to try and get more control over everything? just an idea what you think? If you truely do not think this job is not for you and its not just a response to how low you feel have you had any ideas what you may like to try instead Are you paying a student loan?

    You can keep going Rach and it will get better...xx

  • Its so nice to know your there Caz. I'm going to see how i feel next week, i've got to go to the surgery tuesday for a flu jab and to pick up some more tablets. But will poss go back friday to see the doctor. He thought 3 months would be long enough for me to maybe get over this period, but im now thinking of cutting my hours like you said, even if its just one day a week. Ive always wanted to work with animals, or something to do with medication. Ive applied for a couple of jobs but not heard anything. I told my aunt i was off for another week, she'd probably kick me out if she found out i was off for 3, its just added pressure. I dont know whether to tell my mum about everything, well i wouldnt tell her about the 3 months, but that im going to see a specialist and about my toe. Shes so hard to talk to.

    I'm still going over what my boss said to me and how shocked she seemed when i said 3 months. I'm soooooooo worried about my loan, no its not a student loan. I owe about 19k i think. thats including interest. I may ring them and see about them paying it as i have insurance... Nightmare.xx

  • Im here anytime, like i say i pop in around once a day at least and if i can help you in anyway i will :0)

    If you want to try working with animals have you thought about volunteering for a couple of hours a week or what ever you can manage, its often a good way to get insight into whether you would like it and its a foot in door and/or possible reference for a new job. A site called Do-it post volunteering opportunities.

    Talk to people (mum,aunt,boss) as you see fit to do so, but please try not get down on yourself if their response is negative, this isnt your fault and im sure deep down they are just worried about you and maybe dont fully understand what you have been going through...this is also not thier fault its no ones. You are doing well, your fighting these problems so well and you will make progress. Please make sure you attend your therapy appointments they are so beneficial if you manage to go regular, oh my go did i sound bossy then lol sorry :0)

    As for your financial worries and possible housing issues it may be worth talking to Citizens Advice....i have never used them personally but i hear they are good and may be able to advice you on how to make the loan more managable and of any housing resources there is just in case you have to move out.

    Take care Miss, keep strong and speak to you soon probably tomorrow :0)

  • Oh by the way is that your dog in the picture? hes so cute. Im a major dog lover would have hundreds if i could :)

  • Yes he was my dog, hes been gone just over a year now, miss him terribly. Love dogs, all animals but dogs are my fave, if i could have one i would.

    Maybe I'll look intocitizens advice. I'm worried about decembers pay and thats going to be a long month until next payday. Am so worried about it. Had to spend 48 pounds yesterday on my exhaust and tomorrow 207 on tyres. Thats cheap ones. I'm absolutely dreading xmas and what thats going to bring. I cant get anyone anything, and im usally mad on xmas. Not this year. :(

    Still worried about work, being here at my aunts. Shes not back yet and i'm worried about seeing her. Going to have to take a diazepam i think.

    Thanks for being there xx

  • Yeh dogs are amazing, i have a collie hes crazy but my absolute best buddy makes me smile every day, im sure you will have another dog one day :)

    This year i wouldnt worry about xmas presents or for a cheap xmas shopping trip just buy ppl a little box of chocs or something, thats what i have done because i have no money this year.

    It must be stressfull when your having to worry about what you aunt will say, but you are trying so hard to put things in place to make things better for youself so whatever she says just remember you are doing well and keep at it.

    What car do you have? flipping expensive things aint they....get ya self a pair of roller skates lol or a rowing boat may be more appropriate these days with all the flooding hehe.

  • Hi, am so anxious today. Im going to burst. Ive got a mini, its 10 years old now. Worried how much its going to cost. ot the MOT soon.Got to go and get tyres today. Bloody thing. Anxious about every little thing today :(

  • Dont worry girl your car will survive and so will ya bank balance :0) xx

  • Dont think my bank balance will :( Am still so anxious, i dont know whether to go back to work next monday, I think ive got a couple of courses next week. But I'm signed of 3 months, do i go back next week? Im going to have my aunt on my case, not that its any of her business. So anxious thinking about it all its doing my head in,

  • What do you think will help? going back to work next week or using the time you have signed off to gain a bit of control over your anxiety? xx

  • I dont know, Im dreading telling my aunt im off for longer, worried she'll kick me out or have a go at me. I'm feeling so anxious at the moment. Thing is, if i go back next week, Ive got a minor op on the 14th on my toe, which my dr said i'll have to be off for 2 weeks. I'll be off my feet for two weeks. So I'm going to be off anyway. I just dont know what to do. I cant speak to my aunt, i find it so hard Caz. So confused :(

  • your aunt is gonna find out soon as you live together so try and tell her soon get it out the way hun. let her know how your feeling if you cant say it maybe write her a note or something to explain. x x

  • Yes i know, shes just hard to talk to. Im going to tell her ive been to doctor on friday. and see what to say then. But i just dont know what to do about work, i dont feel i can go back, not at the moment. Ive had to make a claim today for sickness to do with my loan. So will see what happens with that.Am even anxious about that because ive got to get my gp to fill in a bit and my employer. Dont want to have to ask. Everythings making me anxious, im anxious typing this.xx

  • Am soooooooooo anxious. Can't do this anymore. I dont know what to do.

  • You will get through this Rach your stronger than you think the fact that you keep talking about this and making moves to help yourself (like the claim) shows that, and i will do whatever i can from here to help you. If your truely feel you can not go back to the job then you have a good think and make a decision as to whether you want to leave. If you do leave dont be down on yourself take the time you then have to stabalise your anxiety ect and perhaps look at new jobs eventually with animals maybe like you said that interests you.

    Here everyday for ya matey.

  • Ahhhhh Caz,thankyou again for being there.I can't talk to anyone hardly, when i talk to my boyfriend or text him he gets funny. Im still so anxious. Thinking what to do. my aunts off friday thats making me anxious,because was going to say id gone to the doctor.I dont know whether to tell her im off for longer and still say ive been to the doctor. Its awful,i feel like im lying. I'm going to my mums friday so i'll say ive been then.Got my counsellor friday. I wont be talking to my mum about anything I know that. Texted her earlier, shes being funny with me. My aunts going to go mad if i tell her im off longer. But the thing about the op is bothering me. Ive got to be off anyway then so do i go back, Next week? Do i face the music with my aunt. I'm off with depression, thats not going to go overnight. She got me a bloody leafletabout backs, and it says to get on with it, but im depressed its not easy. Arggggggggggggggghhhhhhhh dont know what to do. Sorry for waffling again. xx.

  • Yeh its all so much to deal with and i can totally understand how you feel i have been there and some times it just feels like ya flipping head is gonna explode, but eventually it does get better eventually. Can i ask why your auntie will go mad? is it just the job situtation or is there more?

    The job decision is up to you i couldnt possibly tell you what to do about that, it will have to be your decision, you have been signed off for 3 months remember so you dont need to make a snap decision if you dont want have some time to think if you need it.

    You are not waffling Rach, get it all out i dont care if you write so much i need to take a break have a coffee and then come back hehe :0) i will read it all.

    By the way def make sure you go to gps and counsellor friday....keepusing the ppl who are supporting you like they are. xx

  • I was only going to the gp friday if was going to be signed back to work, so prob wont go as the certificate was for 3 months. Was just going to tell my aunt that id been again. My aunts just funny sometimes, ive been off a month already, and her pushing that bloody back leaflet down my throat, didnt help. I just worry that she'll have a go at me, telling me what to do. Shes a nightmare. Its none of her business. Ive been texting my boyfriend and i know hes had enough of me, so ive got that stress of thinking he doesnt want to be with me anymore, and that we may break up. It sounds silly but my life is a nightmare.

    I dont want to be living here, ive got no money and nowhere to go. I sometimes feel im better off not being here. My mum doesnt give a s**t. Really down.

  • Oh right yeh well dont bother with GP then. Do you thin your meds are helping anymore? when did you last have a review of these?

    You dont sound silly you sound like your going through a difficult time and are being bombarded with all this extra stress (toe, back, family issues, rubbish work ect ) and dont seem to have a great deal of support, its natural for you to be feeling all these will get there and start to feel a little better bit at a time you just gotta keep at it...chuck a few swear words and major rants my way and get it all off ya chest....i dont mind...midn ya go easy on swear words i dont what this site getting mad hehe.

    Tell your aunt whats going on this hiding it seems to be adding to you already full head, tell her that you are struggling and you are off work tell her you are seeing your GP ect and trying to get things back on track tell her it takes time and you are trying every single day, lay it all out there. I dont mean screan in her face or be confrontational just say it how it is for you at the moment, you cant hang onto people negative reactions and preceptions of you and your situation it is only making you anxiety/depression worse, accept that they have thier opinions and if its negative well think to your self well thats their issue not mine. Think to your self what I am doing with work ect is right for me at this time and that is ok! Easier said than done but try it.

    Whats you main trigger for anxiety? do you know? i know with GAD there can be loads but can you pick out a main or some main ones?

  • A number of things, im very self concious, Ive got very thin hair, which is getting worse, Thats a major factor. I dont like going out, Im worried theres going to be a power cut, what will i do with my hair. Now that sounds ridiculous, but its how i feel. Its dreadful. Im anxious about work anyway, but a home we visit, a member of staff has twice said something about my hair, that its very thin. Thats made me feel worse. Im a very nervous person, my aunt had a go at me a couple of months ago and thats made me feel worse. Im on edge all the time, even now. And im in bed Shes not the easiest person to approach.

    Im waiting for an appt for my psychiatrist. I didnt go the other day because i was anxious about it. Crazy. I wish I could tell my aunt all what you say, but as you say its easier said then done. Can you tell her?!!!!!


  • hehe i cant tell her unfortunatley sorry, try to do it little by little maybe, i think the 1st step will be getting out the fact you are off work at the moment. Or think about writing it down for her to read....i once did that for my boyfriend because i just couldnt face telling him everything face to face, in that instance it worked well for me. Im not saying it will make your auntie anymore appreciative of what you are going through but maybe its worth a try?

    Cant believe that women commented on ya hair the cheaky chuff nut (some ppl are a bit rude not your problem try and ignore her if you can) by the way it doesnt sound ridiculous, i went through a stage during my anxiety /depression when i was obsessed and i mean obsessed with my hair i felt if i didnt get it right i would look wierd and no one would like me and would avoid me....i felt ridiculous about that but its part of anxiety not ridiculous at all. If your hair straight and thin? if yeh maybe you could try curling it, scrunching it up for a more thick look? or have you seen a hairdresser to ask for styles that would make your hair appear thicker? now if you anything like i was going to the hairdresser was a total nightmare so i started using a mobile hairdresser that came to my house so if you have that problem may try the mobile hairdresser.

    Like you did with your GP when your werent going because you felt anxious keep making appointments and eventually you will go to see you psychiatrist, you got to your GP in end so you will get to your psychiatrist too. I have every faith in ya.

    Now dont hit me....or mentally hit me when i suggest this :)

    Sometimes (not all the time) i found distraction techniques worked well for me, when i felt upset or anxious i tried listening to music and zoning out, walking somewhere quiet with my ipod on, playing a simple game on the computer. Making lists of what i would like to do if i werent anxious/depressed. Now it doesnt work all the time but the more i did it the more frequent it became and i found for some anxiety episodes it helped calm me and those particular anxieties became less frequent. I say dont hit me because the 1st time someone suggested this to me i wasnt at all receptive to it because i was in a very bad place and i thought at the time 'are you nuts i can barely brush my teeth what makes you think im gonna have a rational moment and i think oh yeh i will go get my ipod and knock some rihanna tunes out...idiot' BUT this suggestion did stick in mind and like i say i did eventually start using the distraction technique.

    Holy cow i sorry about the length of this reply.....xx

  • Sorry about any typos, im a little staying up though i wanna watch a film lol

  • Am sooooo anxious again, worrying what to do. You'll be at the end of your tether with me. I am scared of what will happen, I dont know how to tell my aunt, im still off. Ive had a flu jab today , my arms hurting and aching and got a headache. Shes deafenning me with the television. Its crazy. My heads going to burst im sure of it. Ive got palpitations and massive anxiety. Im even worried about tomorrow, she'll be home earlier tomorrow. I just want to be alone. I want my boyfriend to stay tomorrow,im terrified of asking. Cant stand this.

    Thanks for your reply again. I dont even go to the hairdressers, my hairs beyond help. I still remember what she said and its making me feel worse.

    I just dont know what im going to do about anything anymore.

  • made more anxious by her asking what im doing tomorrow. Like i have to go out everyday, i havent got ther money for one thing, and because im feeling so depressed i dont feel up to anything. Now i feel anxious because i have to go out. I feel so scared about what to do, About telling her im off, whether to back to work. I at wits end, i cant cope with it anymore.

  • Na im not at the end of my tether Rach so dont you be worrying about that. I wish i could do more for you.

    I had a flu jab today as well so my arms sore too its normal to have a sore arm and feel i bit off it after the flu jab but on the upside at least we should only get little sniffles this winter instead of full blown flu ;0)

    Other than going to work do you do anything else? when you have had more settled periods with your anxiety ect what did you do or like doing? or what would you like to do? xx

    Its understandable that your scared about telling your aunt but you can do it? do you think your causing yourself more anxiety by trying to hide it? which i understand is how we tend to deal with things during anxiety/depression but for me hiding things made it sooo much worse. Do you think it will be weight of your mind if you tell her?

    Have you made anymore posts on here about your situation? I have been thinking about ways to try and help you and i think some input from the some others may help you, there are alot of people in here and between us all we have massive amount of knowledge and experience, some things others have tried that i have not may suit you please dont think im trying to get rid of you because that is def NOT the case, i will answer every single time you post and every message you send me and i will check in even if you dont reply to me to make sure you ok, offer support and let you know some one cares :0)

    Hugs to ya xx

  • thankyou Caz, its very reassuring to know your there. Think only one other has posted on here. When i'm not at work, i like seeing my boyfriend, but i even feel anxious about that and when we're out im anxious. Worrying about coming home, worrying about work, money. Allsorts. i like shopping, thats my downfall, i always spend money i havent got. I remember i had quite a settled period before i went off with this number of problems. Then i got anxiety again and now depression again. I probably wont tell her till saturday morning about being off. But im still anxious about what to do. Do i go back to work monday then be off again from the 14th. Or do i just stay off. I cant face work in all honesty. Ive got all this running through my head all the time. Its driving me mad. I dont want to go to sleep. I dont know what to do tomorrow.

    Feel im in a nightmare i cant get out of it....

  • I personally wouldnt bother going back when you off again for 2weeks following your operation. To much messing about for ya. Good luck Sat for telling your Aunt you will be ok. Dont fight sleep if your tired matey go to sleep...being tired wont help you

    Why dont you try a quick walk somewhere on your own tomorrow, you drive right so maybe drive somewhere quiet and have some peaceful you time xx

  • Am so stressed. Worried about the claim form. Ive got to get my doctor to fill him part of it, im worried because hes going to see my address is different. What am i going to do??? He sees my address is different ive lost him. Do i not bother and see what happens next pay day, and change gp in the meantime. Or tell them when i drop in the form that im currently waiting to change gp. Help, dont know what to do. Am so anxious.

  • You wont know the outcome until you approach him you need your claim form sorted to take the financial pressure off you so it needs to be completed by him. Your GP wont just ditch you especially when your not very well xx

  • Screammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

    Am so anxious, I can't bear this.

  • Nothing like a good scream Rach you go for it god knows you earnt it with all your little pressures xx

  • Dont want to go to sleep, now amongst everything else my IBS has come back, and my back is aching. So depressed.

  • Why dont you want to sleep? if you can sleep go for it like i said earlier it wont help you at all if you mega tired.

    I know your depressed but remember you had a setted period before it will happen again xx

  • Extremely anxious today. Breathing fast, palpatations. Feeling sick, wretching. My aunts bloody had a pop at me about my washing. Ffs, thats made me worse. I cant bear it. Its just made me feel worse. Am upstairs because i dont feel right, that will be wrong. Ive got to get out of here. I know what itll take. I cant do it. Im so depressed, worried about the form, telling my aunt im off. Maybe going to my mums tomorrow, dreading telling her aswell. Lifes so crap. I cant cope anymore.

  • If you feel comfortable upstairs at the moment dont worry about whether your aunt thinks it right just take a moment to relax upstairs. Have you been back to GPs to dicuss how bad your feeling? I will always be here for a chat you know that but im not a professional and I do think you need some more professional support as well. Try charities too if you want Samaritains are great for chats you can ring, email,chat or nip into thier centres to see them.

    Have you been to CAB (citizens advise) yet? they may be able to direct you to housing support if you wanting to move out?

  • What will it take Rach ? xx

  • when i say that 'what will it take' im responding to your statment where you said i know what it will take. xxx

  • Sorry this is going to be waffle...Well, ive told her im off until after my op, at least i think thats what i said. She wasnt great really, but i was glad to have got it off my chest. Honestly my heart was racing and my anxiety was awful.

    She said about money, and what would i do. That id feel worse if i didnt have a job. God make me feel better why dont you.

    She said, id be better at work, its not good me being at home. Laying around all day- which i dont.I said i know but she knows thats how i am. I'm just not ready to go to work. I thought she was going to kick me out. Before that my cousin her daughter was here and she had a pop at me. they were talking about someone about how this person would get up at 2pm in the day, then said to me, tell them about your cousin. Then my cousin said buck your ideas up Rach. And my aunt joined in. FFS, i dont get up at 2pm, yes i get up late sometimes, but i dont lay in bed alllll day. I like being on my own, so i sit upstairs. Im depressed, i dont want to go out every sodding day. I want to be on my own. Arghhhhh. Ive got to get out of here i know that. My boyfriends not interested. Im thinking whether to end it with him, but i dont think im in the right frame of mind, i dont know what im doing.

    I know what it'll take Caz, cant post it on here.

    Still worried sick about the doctor tomorrow, ive got to explain to the receptionist about the form and my address because i cant see the doctor, she said i didnt have to when i rung the other day. Probably end up losing my dr tomorrow. that'll just finish me off. And theres a charge for him filling it in. Christ.

    I rung my boss earlier about sending me copies of my certificates because i stupidly didnt make copies. She was going to do that. She said how was i, that id been put off to the end of december in the off duty. And that the woman from HR would be ringing me to arrange a meeting. Now worried about that. But she sounded ok, but siad about my pay, and that i would prob be down to half pay. She didnt want to give me extra stress but just so i was aware. I kind of knew anyway. Thats why ive got to get this claim sorted. If i lose my dr then so be it i guess. Does that mean im not signed off anymore and he wont do my op? How qick can you change gps?


    stressed isnt the word, sorry for the rant.

  • Hi Caz, not going to the doctors yet, may go back next week, thats if i still have him. :(

    Ive got my counsellor tomorrow afternoon so will let it all out there i expect.

    Then am going to my mums, god that'll be fun. I text her earlier and warned her im off, went down like a lead balloon. I said how bad things are and she said dont ask me to come home again the answers still no, Bloody charming my mum is. Cant talk to her at all. I said i need her and need to talk. Shes so unsympathetic its untrue.

    I have rung the samaritains before when i really was at my lowest. They were ok.

    Havent thought about citizens advice. m on the council list as it is and havent got anywhere. xx

  • Oh ignore the bit about docs in my last post then haha. Good luck with your counsellor tommorrow get it all out Hun thats what shes there for, you can say everything you want to her and all in confidence.

    Im sorry you cant talk to you mum, but since you cant just carry on with what you can use.

    I would try citizens advice they may be able to come up with things you and I are not aware off...make a list of stuff you need to work out for when you go, if you do. That way nothings forgotten. Even if it is you can go back.

    Urmmm other help for you if you didnt get a good vibe from samaritains....anxiety uk or anxiety allience helplines or depression allience helpline again they may have support things i dont knwo off. Im trying to get you as much help as i can lol every little helps (oh gosh im asda punning now) xx

  • Hey

    Firstly there aint nothing wrong with a waffle as the oldies say 'better out than in'! Im gonna waffle now :0)

    Well done on telling your Aunt by the sounds of it you knew her response would not be good so no shock there, but as you said you were glad to have it off your chest so well done because i know it wasnt at all easy for you, its done now so that off yoru mind.

    For all your Aunt has got on at you i do think she makes one good point...being in the house will not help you, but at the same time i understand you are depressed and so leaving the house is just not want you want. If you can try and take one day a week (not a full day just a half hour or something what ever you can manage) to leave the house. A small walk, a drive, walk to the shop. Or simple have that time as the time you visit you therapists. If you cant do this alone ask a friend or if you want someone impartial call MIND they have befrienders that will go where you want with you to support you.

    Work: If you honestly can not face work i would start looking into contacting the Job centre about benefits if your gonna be without a job, this may involve revisiting you GP to sign forms ect im not sure but you could ask them or ask CAB who may know.

    Doctors: Go tomorrow get that form done (something else off your mind) and if they take you off there books, ask them what happens with sick note and your op. I wouldnt have thought that will all be cancelled you should remain on your current GPS books until you have set up a new one (As far as I know) swapping GPs does take that long again if they take you off there books this link

    allows you to search for GPs in your area. I recently swopped GPs and it took a couple of weeks MAX.

    Dont fret about that tonight cross that bridge when you come to it.

    And finally by waffle beats yours lol

    No and finally remember that because of how you feel at the mo just about everything it gonna make you anxious but thats normal Rach...just take a breath, calm down and carry on it will all come together in the end.

    Hugs to ya Caz xx

  • Thanks again Caz, i will see what happens tomorrow and be back on here tomorrow at some point. I will look into CAB. I did actually lose a job before and was signed on, i havent actually lost this job, as yet so dont know that im entitled to anything. But will see.

    Speak to you tomorrow.


  • Thats it, i dunno whether because of your current mental health you are entitiled to something like incapacity benefit its worth finding out if you are thinking you can manage at work and are leaving. Last thing you want is too leave and have even more pressues on you because you have no money to live.

    If you feel you cant go back to that Job but want to do something try and volunteer a couple of hours a week...maybe with animals, you said you had an interest in that.

    Anyway Goodnight Hun and take care :)

  • night Caz and thankyou again xxx

  • Had a look on benefits website, doesnt look like im entitled to anything. Ive still got a job as far as i know so dont know.

    I went to the doctor and spoke to the receptionist, and said the address was only temporary. She asked how long for, i said id been there a little while but because of all my issues i didnt want to lose my dr. Dont think it went down that well. Oh well, see what happens. Their ringing me when its done. She said she'd see what the dr says. Hmmmmmm not hopeful. Think im going to lose him.

    Went to my counsellor beforehand, was quite hard today. She said to get on to the councils, go back to my gp about the thoughts ive been having, ring about my psychiatrist appt, as havent had one yet. Bombarded.

    Came over to mums- big mistake. Had a row, about me being off. She said only i can help myself. I'll lose my job, i called her a f'ing heartless bitch. Things not good. Im staying here tonight, feels uncomfortable. She doesnt want me to stay all day tomorrow, i said why, she shouted because i dont want you here all miserable. Jesus.

    I just cant talk to her. She doesnt understand and just has a go at me. I said how bad i feel living at my aunts., all i get is do something about it. She doesnt realise how much it'll cost. Then i said that and all i get is well go to work then. I cant win. She just has a go at me about everything. Tell John my boyfriend, to do something. I said he wont because of my sickness then she starts on him. Then she says dump him. God, I feel so low. Im having those thoughts again. I told her that aswell, she just grinned and said yeah right. F sake. What will it take to show her how i feel.

    I feel extremely anxious as usual, and so down. A bit of support from her would be nice.

    I said about christmas to her aswell, just doesnt care. Theyve booked a meal out so god knows what i'll be doing. Dont even want to be here.

  • Yeh wait and see what the GP says, like i say with that link i sent you another GP will be quite easy to find if thats whats needed. Your current GP wont just drop you probably just advise you to start looking for another if they decided you had to move you...but no point worring about that yet :0) Well done for going, do you feel a tiny tiny bit better that you have got the form in at least...its another little thing off your list to do isnt it.

    I think your counsellor is right (well done for going by the way) get onto the council, see the GP about your thoughts and ring for a psychiatrist appointment, its hell of alot to take in when you fighting your own mind all the time, but why dont you write those things down as things to do....i used to find writing things down helped me remember to approach the tasks and break it down abit to be clearer what i needed to do, otherwise those kinda tasks got lost in my mind. (Does that make sense)

    I dont know anything about your mum or her reasons for her response to your situation and while i know you would love support from her, I think you have to accept that at this time shes not able to offer you what you want, maybe this is something you can talk about to your counsellor in more depth than you are able to with me on here, i mean you can always talk to me but with your counsellor it may be easier to approach more of the issue.

    Please remember that when your mum says 'do something about it' you are!! You have been taking steps to have help yourself get well, sorting your financies with that form and considering where to go with are doing loads so please please please remember how hard you ARE working on this and how much you have done this week! You have approached some hard situations this week and i for one am really happy for you that you have mananged them. (GP form, Counsellor, telling you aunt ect)

    I was gonna say with work, i know your reference may not be glowing in regards to sickness but as far as i know employers cant really say anything bad about you, so if you are still considering moving jobs just keep applying theres nothing to lose there.

    Well done for this week, small steps to others but big steps for you!! xxxx

  • Hi Caz, I feel like i cant go on though. Thankyou for all your kind words once again. but i honestly feel like i cant be here anymore. xx

  • My counsellor said i cant look for another job if im off sick, i need to get well. I feel like im never going to get there.

  • You will get there Rach. If thats what your counsellor says then take that advice shes the professional she knows her stuff. You can do hun you really can. You are doing all the right things to get well just be patient and give yourself credit for everything you have accomplished so far. Its natural to feel lost in it all and like you never gonna get there but people do and you takes time yes but its possible. xx

  • Hiya

    Just swinging by to say hello and hope you are doing ok. Take care hun xx

  • Hi, well was sick this morning. Dont know why, anxiety maybe. Went out for a bit with John my boyfriend. Just got back 20 minutes ago. Dreaded coming back.

    Me and John had words as usual. I don't know what to do about him, i love him so so so so so much. I can't be without him, bt i just dont know whats happening. He won't commit to me, because of my sickness, no one understands. Feeling anxious. Fed up and down, nothing new then.

  • Where did you go? have you got snow where you are?

    What do you mean about commit to you? Marriage. living together or something?


  • Worried Caz about tomorrow. Was down to do an update on computer training for 2 hours and tues a course. But I really dont want to, feeling like im feeling. I keep thinking i should go, but then theyll think if i go to those then why am i not at work. Im always bloody worrying.

  • Like your counsellor says you need to get well, your off work sick and the training is part of work so i wouldnt think you have to go. The training can be rearranged when you are back to work. xx

  • just went to a lovely farm shop for lunch and couple of other places. eant moving back in with me. He just won't. And he says he can't go on like this anymore. Me being off sick, so Im wondering whats the point.

    No not snowing here. Is it where you are? x

  • No its raining here now im in Yorkshire wishing for snow :0)

    How long have you and your boyfriend been together? x

  • Love him so much, i hate how things have got. I miss him terribly when we're not together :(

  • been together 7 years in february, Can't lose him x Im in west sussex, raining here.

  • Wow 7 years. I been with my boyfriend 14 years.

    Have you two been through the good periods together too? Has he had any one to talk to? it can be hard of partners too all this (ts no ones fault!)

  • sorry about the typos again ;0/ xx

  • We've had good periods, its just hard for him. He thinks i'll go off sick all the time. He doesnt talk to anyone as far as i know. He used to be on antidepressants but came off them. I just cant see where our furture is heading. Its so horrible. As i said i cant be without him :(

    Congrats for 14 years by the way xx

    Been really anxious today. Am waiting for the surgery to ring me and let me know the form is done. Worried what else theyre going to say. xx

  • Its tough in relationships it has an impact on both parties i really feel for you and your partner in all this and i send you both my best wishes that you are able to stay together, there is a future out there for you both whether its together or apart i dont know, i truely hope its together :0) for me i find it best to deal with the day by day, i have thoughts of the future of course but i concentrate on keeping myself going on a dailly basis, My partner bless him has had so much on his shoulders looking after me all these years and at times i felt like i should end it with him....not because i didnt love him anymore, just because at times i didnt feel i had the energy to be in a relationship and i felt so guilty about what i believed i was putting him through but i didnt end it and we are still going strong we have delayed alot in out lives but I am getting better and compared to a couple of years i have improved tremedously.

    Whatever will be will be with the surgery.....try and distract your self from thinking what they will say....whats could you, music, go for a walk doodle aimlessly on a bit of paper...anything :0) whatever happens there will be a solution..:0) xx

    By the way im gonna get a smiley face from you before xmas ----->:0) even if i have to start pulling out the terrible jokes like:

    'What do you call a sheep with no legs?'

    'A cloud'

    lol ok so i told you they were terrible xx

  • Been feeling anxious all day. Woke up like it. Can't put my finger on why. I knew my aunt wouldnt be home all day but still i felt/feel anxious about her coming home. Im only going out tomorrow pm because i know shes going to be here. Hate this feeling.

    Went with John to get my car MOT'd today. Was nice to be with him for a few hours. Car failed though. Got to have a bit of work done. So got that added stress now aswell. Christmas presents will prob be non existent. Told my aunt the other day that wasnt bothering with presents, well for mum and her partner. She said thats a bit extreme isnt it. I havent got the money this year. Im so depressed about it as it is. And now she thinks Im being funny. God she'll be home very soon, hate it here. I dont know what to do, my firend has said i can go there, but shes only got a one bed place. Its an idea, but it wouldnt be ideal. Dont know how much longer i can stay here. Im feeling so anxious that shes going to walk in in ten minutes. Sorry no smiley face yet :(


  • If you havent got the money you havent got the money dont feel bad mate, get your car sorted so you can get out and about. I am limited on money this year so i literally bought ppl a little chocolate bar each from aldi for 1.50 ...xx

    Its something to consider living with your friend like you say...maybe worth ago?

    Dont worry about the smiley face i will put it here for you :0) xx

  • I'm going to see what i can do. About xmas pressies. Dont know about my friends place. Id have to get storage for my stuff, there wouldnt e room for both of us, so its most def a no no. And it would be too far to work. :(

    Need a miracle, before christmas would be nice. :/

    Are you a facebook user? xx

  • Yeh a miracle would be great wouldnt it....look out for them shooting stars ;0)

    But for now until we see the shooting star carry on as you are....your doing good. xx

    Yes i am on facebook, if you wanna add im under Carol Johnson and my profile pic is a water scene with sun reflecting on it xx

  • Hi Caz, yes i will if you dont mind. Youve been so good to me on here xx I'll chat to you on here though still, don't want everyone knowing my business.

    Had an ok day today, only because i havent seen my aunt all day and most probably wont see her tomorrow. I went to see a friend today and had a good rant, as did she. And then my mum. Wasnt great, i dont know why i bother really, she doesnt have much to say and her partner had the hump with me. I just have to get away from here. Its somewhere to go.

    Spoke to my boss earlier. Shes lost my last certificate, so now ive got to ring my surgery and see if dr can do another one for that date. Bloody pain. Im anxious about ringing them anyway because of my change of address and everything. But need to to find out whats happened to the claim form. Stressing about that now, arghhhhhhhhh.


  • Yeh we can chat on here still no probs, you can pm me on fb too if ya need/want to. I dont talk on my facebook much about my issues with anxiety ect like you say i dont want everyone in my business.

    Really glad you had an alright day it made me smile that news from you ;0) a good old rant with friends is awesome glad you have someone you can do that with. Hope you both felt better for it.

    All you can do with your mum and aunt or indeed with any other person you find you have difficulties with is just be civil respect they will always have an opinion of you and carry on getting yourself well, dont let it push you down.

    Hmmm this is something i have to remind myself to do every day so dont worry i know how pigging hard it is...but it helps if you can keep reminding yourself of this.

    Its natural to stress about the form thingy but like you say you need to find out, you will be stressed and anxious as heck about it but you will do did last time with the other form. xx

    Terrible Joke Time:

    I was walking back from the pub the other night and someone threw grated cheese at me? I thought ''that's mature'' lol

  • Can't find you on there Carol! I'm under Rachel Pucknell if you wanted to add me x

  • Ok i will have a look for ya xx

  • very good joke !!

    Ive been a little anxious today. Rung the surgery, as far as she knew wasnt done yet. She said these things take time. Oh ok then, hes had it since friday and i need to get it sorted. Then i asked for another copy of the certificate as i said my boss had lost the last one. She said she thought it unlikely he'd do another one. But a bit later she rang back and said he'd done it and i could pick it up when i wanted.

    So my day was going ok up until i was on my way to pick it up, didnt get very far and my steering decided to go on my car. Luckily was near a garage which is very close to where my uncle lives. So pulled in there. Rang my uncle, took car in the garage. Sounds like its going to be expensive. My uncles going to pay for it. Bless him, i really dont know what id do without him. I owe him over a grand as it is but hes helping me again. I cant thank him enough. After my car failing the mot ive got that to get sorted aswell. MOT runs out tomorrow. Its all a nightmare and am anxious about it, but i'll see what happens tomorrow.

    The car failed because of the fuel tank strap, has corroded, so went and bought one, car booked in at garage that did the mot for tomorrow, now the other garage is doing it. Even worried about ringing them to tell them their not doing it. Pathetic i know. I do stress about the funniest things. My actual mot runs out tomorrow so worried im going to have an un-mot'd car. GODDDDDDDD

    shut up Rach.....

  • Ahh bless your uncle thats very sweet of him, im glad to see over the last couple of days despite all your stresses, which by the way you seem to have been dealing with really well, you have been able to identify some positives, like your lovely uncle helping you, your friend the othe day who you had a chat with, how lucky you were to be near a garage and when you said i'll see what happens tomorrow rather than keep thinking too much about the possible negative outcomes is great...i dont know if your aware of these things but its so nice to hear and a sign your making good steps in getting well being able to do these things.

    Your probably thinking yeh but they are only small steps....but just remember if you are thinking that, small steps are still steps so thats good......holy cow i have turned into a fortune cookie type think with my cheesy comments lol

    Never shut up keep it coming if it needs chatting about or just writing down on here to get it it ;0)

  • Hi Caz, well, unexpected trip to Bedford to my boyfriends cousins wedding reception. Came up yesterday and booked into a hotel, which his mum paid for. Went to the do, and came back to hotel finally at 2am. Was knackered this morning, slept until 2pm! Was meant to be heading back today but decided to book another night. So heading back tomorrow. Dreading going back, i really am anxious. Got to take car for retest tomorrow. Dreading that even. Driving there. I just know, knowing my luck ill get pulled over by the police.

    My uncle paid for my car the other day. 600 pounds it cost, christ. I now owe him 1700. Though 800 he said not to worry about at the time. Glad its fixed but i hate owing him money. Dont know how im ever going to pay him back.

    Going to sleep anxious. xx

  • Hiya

    2am wow I aint been out that late in ages. Hope you had fun ;0)

    Hope your car has passed today xx

  • Cars fine hun. Took it back for retest, was all ok.

    Am at my mums getting the 3rd degree. Text her earlier to ask if i could come over today, all i got was why? F'ing hate her. Moaning at me about me owing my uncle all the other money. Have i started paying him back. I said i will when i can. Even though he told me not to worry about the first lot he paid for. She said what when you go back to work. F sake. I asked how she found out he'd paid again, my aunt told her. I'm F'ing fuming. She had no right to tell her. I said to my mum what else was i supposed to do. And that i didnt ask for ll the work to be done last time. It was only the clutch that was wrong the last time. This time the steering. What did she expect me to do. She doesnt give a shit.

    Am so pissed off right now and anxious on top of it.

  • Phew thats a relief for ya with your car, so one positive for the day. ;0) Keep having a good rant to me get out all ya fustrations, you and your uncle seem to have an agreement regarding the money situation so thats between you two, people will have thier opinions as always xx

  • my mum does, i cant bear it. Im dreading going back to my aunts tomorrow. Got my counsellor tomorrow, havent done anything she said to do so not looking forwards to that either. diazepam here i come. xx

  • Im sure you counsellor will understand, you can make a start on your things to do tomorrow ...;0) xx

  • Hi Caz, didnt go to my counsellor, texted her and didnt hear back, so worried shes got the hump. Theres always something to make me worry, get anxious about.

    Mum upset me today, wanted to stay there at hers this afternoon, texted her and asked was it ok, and offered to pick her up. Regards to staying there this afternoon, and i said i would go tonight, she said rather you didnt. She makes me feel awful. I dont think she realises how much i hate it here at my aunts and dread coming home. I only wanted to stay the afternoon. God i just dont know what to do. She hates me.

    Had to take a diazepam again this morning.

    I had a look at the form the doctors filled in for my claim. Hes put wrong date on my date of birth and the wrong year fro when my dad died. Dont know whether to alter it myself or take it friday when i have my op. The longer it takes to send it off the longer the claim will take and im dreading decembers pay as dont think i'll get much, so panicking about it all. Dreading friday anyway because the doctor knows ive moved now, worried what hes going to say.

    God im a mess.

  • Im not sure whether you can alter it yourself or not to be honest probably best to get him to do it and initial the correction so it dont look dodgy, just thinking if you change it would it get returned? i dunno your call i guess hun xx

  • Why does nothing ever get better. My aunt came out with we've got a date to leave, end of january. Great that has increased my anxiety levels majorly. What the hell am i going to do. I know i'll be moving with her, well i think so, but shes not too bothered. Im so stressed out about it.

    My mum hasnt a clue, i sent her a text and said what am igoing to do, hoping she may say to come home for a bit. No, all i got was move in with John. I said he wont because of my sickness. Then she said thats why she wont let me move back there. Then she came out with, ; the only why you can change, improve your life is to get your act together, manage your diabetes,come off all the drugs, GO TO WORK and take some responsibility. Everyone has (apparently) told me the same and i dont take any notice. My friends and my doctor and people dont say these things. They understand.

    Well, thanks for that mum. I cant help having GAD, depression, bad back, toe, diabetes. etc. Now i havent got a clue where im going to be living end of january thats made me feel worse. She really doesnt have a clue. My counsellor understands me. I wish she would speak to my mum. So stressed I cant take any more.

    Ive got my op on friday im worried about that. She has not got a clue at all.

    Really want to cry.

  • Ah mate bet it feels like its coming at you from all angles, can you not afford a cheap little flat of your own? or have you considered getting yourself on the council housing list or been to speak to them about housing available to you? I know you say you want to go home but i have to ask would it be any better than living with your Aunt? i only ask because of what you say regarding you and your mums relationship?

    Your counsellor sounds superb im so glad you feel ok with her, take her advice where she gives it if you can you sound like you have a good relationship with her and im sure she hasnt go the hump with you, she knows what you have going on ;0)

    Just think on Friday you toe will be fixed and that wil be one less stress for you. Good luck friday you will be totally fine.

    Things will get better Rach, try and stay focussed on yourself and what you need to do to feel better you cant force people to understand hun, i understand how you want people to understand, i used to get so mad and frustrated that people didnt know what it was like for me and i wanted to shout it from the blumming roof tops so everyone knew and make them understand, but you cant and for me focussing on this upset me more and made me more anxious and in turn more depressed, eventually i had to start letting go and accept some people will never know or be able to understand, its hard to do but makes you feel a bit better to accept it i still have to remind myself of this fact some days but it helps to say it in your head when ppl annoy you by not understanding.....take care hun. xxxx

  • Joke time: two cows in a field, one says moo and the other says bahhh. the first cow says what are you doing? the other cow says learning a foreign language! xxx

  • something i saw on face book-

    Best things to say to someone depressed:

    I love you,

    I care,

    you're not alone in this,

    Im not going to leave you,

    Do you want a hug?,

    Im sorry your in pain,

    You are important to me.

    Why cant my mum be like that? I havent posted it because i'll get a back lash from certain people.

    Wish there was a way she could understand what im going through and not judge me or have a go at me. :(

  • Im on council lists, but never get anywhere. I cant afford a deposit for anywhere, not even a room. And having not been at work and not knowing when im going back, i cant commit to anything.

    Stressed isnt the word. It would just be easy to go back to my mums. Id pay her, id buy my own food. I dont know. She says its because of being off sick. Theres more to it than that.

    She doesnt seem to care i'll be homeless end of january. Sounds drastic, but I havent a clue whats going to happen. Arghhhhhhhhhh.

  • Has your Aunt and Mum said they dont want you to live with them? All i can suggest if you are gonna be without a house at the end of Jan is to speak to the council and tell them this, Good luck tomorrow Rach with your toe op be great to get that sorted wont it? xx

  • Everythings going wrong today. Went shopping, toe killing me. Come home manage to boil potatoes dry and burn the pan. That made me incredibly anxious. Worried about a bloody pan. And then the gas hob has started clicking. Im shaking like a leaf. Worried sick what my aunt will say. Im soooooo anxious. Its not my fault, why the hell am i worried. I managed to clean the pan so she shouldnt be able to tell. Im still worried about that though. Shes out at the moment so i cant tell her until she gets in. Worried sick.

    My mum doesnt want me living there, as far as i know my aunt doesnt mind. Though i dont and never have felt comfortable or happy. She had a go at me a few months ago and now i feel more and more anxious. That bloody hob won't stop clicking, im dreading her coming home.

  • Oh dear what a day, we have all burnt a few pans in our time i used to just chuck em away when i burnt them hehe so well done on cleaning the thing up. Theres not need to tell her is there if you cleaned it up?

    Hey by the way how has the toe op gone? xx

  • Feeling awful. Have had a crap day. Managed to upset my cousin then my aunt had a go at me because of locking the front door, All complicated. My aunt said i was stupid, pig ignorant, thick. God knows what else. Told me to get out of her sight. I got in such a state, so distressed. Still am now really, got a headache aswell. Dreading her coming home soon. Went off to the doctor, my boyfriend drove me there. I'd been into town this morning and my toe was agony. Got to the doctor, luckily didnt have to do what he thought. Still did something, didnt really watch. Got big dressing on it, he said it'd be sore tonight and to rest with it up over weekend. Glad its done with, for now, but if any problems got to go back.

    God im in a mess. After my aunt having a go at me i certainly dont want to live here anymore. When i was at the doctors popped into my mums, ended up arguing. Shes been texting my aunt. Saying things about me. Do i ever offer to wash up or cook, or do cleaning. My aunt likes to cook and always tells me not to wash up she'll do it in the morning. Basically they all think i should pull myself together. Mum said stop going of sick. And that im so miserable, and the same when i go round there. That i dont talk. She doesnt either but its all my fault. She doesnt realise how i feel, and how much worse i feel living here. Having digs at me all the time, about stupid things like hanging washing on the airer. Its a longer story. but basically i just feel awful. No one understands me. Im going to start crying again. Me and John just argue, hes had enough. Spoke to my cousin on the phone in a state, she said i need to start thinking. That when she was here this morning i didnt talk to her, that when she comes round the atmosphere is horrible because of me. That i dont make conversation. I said that i do try. She said no you don't. I can't go on like this anymore, Im petrified my aunt coming home. She did text me earlier and said sorry for having a go, but shes to busy to worry about me.

    I thought, i don't want anyone to worry about me. Just let me do what i want. Im now so anxious about the weekend,as ive got to keep my foot up and rest. That'll be wrong.

    God my head.

    I can't go on like this anymore i really can't.

    Theres too much to write down here but thats the jist. What am i going to do? Caz if your there,HELP.

  • Hiya, hows things today? Thats awful all that happening yesterday.

    I really think if you say you need to get out of there you should head of down the council and talk to them about housing options, even if you have been before i would go again and explain the situation, they may also be able to advise you on anything your entitiled too money wise ect while your off sick long term, also for the financial side if you were to move speak to job centre of citizens advice, if your considering living alone find out your options and entitilments.

    Hugs to ya xxxx

  • Still feeling crap today. Didnt sleep very well last night. And have slept most of today. My aunts been out all day and just come back. Soon as i heard the door go my heart jumped. Its silly. I'll get twenty questions later probably. Just feel awful about all that happened yesterday. My depressions just got worse. Shes had another letter from the court today, god knows what that is. IThanks for your advice. I'll look into things. End of januarys not that far away and she doesnt seem to be looking for anywhere. Am so stressed its unreal.

    Got all the copies of certificates finally from my boss. Also enclosed a letter to invite me to a sickness review meeting on 20th at 10.30. Now im anxious about that. I dont know what the hell im going to say. When i think i'll go back. Im signed off another 2 months i think. And when i spoke to my boss she said id been put off until jan. Am so worried about it.

  • Letter from court?

    Dunno what they will say at your work meeting probably just checking in to see how your doing try not to let it play on your mind too much you wont know whats happening until you meet with them.


  • yeah, its because of why we've got to move. She had a letter a while ago about a posession order and has had a couple inbetween and another yesterday. God knows.

    Am so stressed. This meetings worrying me so much. Don't know when to say i'll go back. In all honesty i don't want to. I just want to cry all the time. Hate my life. I know theres people going through worse then me but i can't help feeling the way i do. I dont want to be here anymore.

    I don't want to lose John, i love him so much. Dreading the thought of not having a home. Dreading going to counsellor tomorrow. My aunts off tomorrow, anxious about that. I cant cope anymore. :(

  • Dont dimiss what your going through with 'theres people worse than me' your problems are yours and they hurt you so they are important to deal with and no less important than other peoples. I wish i could make things better or do more to help, sorry i cant do more than be here for a chat x

  • Feeling so anxious, my aunts here and i'm in my usual spot,upstairs. Dont want to be around her beause shes coughing like mad. Dont want that for christmas. My counsellor gave my appointment to someone else for 3.30pm, so now got to go at 6.30. Worried about going really, as last time she suggested i go to the council. I havent because i just cant afford a deposit, doesnt matter what i do, rent privately or council,I'll need a deposit, so im stuck. Don't really want to go out anywhere. But am because I've got to. I worry i'll get moaned at for being in all day. So worried about everything. Wish I had support from people, but I havent. I feel they are all a bit ignorant to be honest. Just telling me to get my act together. That makes me feel worse.

    So stressed and anxious.

  • Went to the counsellor. She advised me to go the council tomorrow and tell them i'm going to be made homeless. Tell them i'm diabetic, im currently off work with a bad toe, anxiety and depression. That i cant afford a deposit for anywhere. Now i'm anxious about that. Don't know what to do...

  • Well, ive rung and told work i wont be going to the meeting tomorrow. Im so stressed about it. I rung and left message on my boss' phone, then rung back a little while ago. Spoke to a nurse i work with whos lovely. Said I wouldnt be going, she said she'd ring the hr lady. I said im off for another 2 months as she knew, and would probably go back to the doctor in the new year. So would be off first week of january anyway. She was ok with me. And said Julie would want to probably ring me tomorrow. Dreading that now. Don't want to speak to her really.

    My aunts off today, ive been upstairs all day, dont feel like going out really. May do, even thats making me anxious. Cant even face going to the local shop. Feel like i have to so she doesnt get mad at me. Maybe she won't. Hmmmmm. Shall i go out, god. Its not like its a tough decision, don't know whats wrong with me...

  • Decisions are hard to make when you feel low so dont beat yourself up Rach, when your aunt is home maybe that is the time to try and go out, try think of places to go that are peacfull for you at the moment (little walk ect) i know its hard but keep trying to go out, you liek animals yes? so one of your outings could be going to local pet shops or rescue centres for a look at the animals maybe....nice for you, out the house and seeing something you love. x

  • Urggh typos...sorry xx

  • Love animals. Wish i had my Buzz here :( Missing him more then ever.

    Am so anxious as per usual. I hope to god she goes to work tomorrow. Ive got soooo much washing to do and get dry, im even anxious about that. Sounds silly but i constantly feel on edge. Was worried she'd say something about me being upstairs all day, but she hasnt. Yet.

    Worried about speaking to my boss tomorrow. Going to ring her before she rings me i think. And tell her what i said to the lady i work with today. Worried she'll be funny because im not going to meeting. Oh well..

  • Am so worried about speaking to my boss tomorrow. I can't help but worry what to say, what shes going to say.:( :(

  • well spoke to my boss. Was so anxious. even while speaking to her. I said sorry i wasnt able to go. I said i was going back to my doctor first week of jan to talk about things. And she said what to talk about your options. Meaning am i going to leave i guess. And she sort of said its been going on along time now. I cant help that. She said we need to see what the problem is. I dont know i just feel so down. I dont really want to go back do i. She said the hr woman would ring me as i do need to have this meeting, and if needed theyd come here. Christ. I didnt even mention about my housing problem. That thats making me worse at the moment. So fed up about it all. So left it that i would be off first week of jan then be in touch. I spent all day nearly upstairs, asleep this afternoon. My aunt didnt have a pop. But i was absolutely knackered.

    Met up with my boyfriend in town earlier which cheered me up. He surprised me and said hes booked hotel for sunday eve and also for boxing day and 27th, Which i knew about but didnt know about sunday, cant wait to get away for a few nights..Its his birthday on the 2nd jan so we may well do a hotel that night aswell. Hes paying. I couldnt afford it. Love him so much. Am hoping he'll be staying here saturday eve so will be seeing him lots over the next week. Heres a smile for you :)

  • Hiya

    I dont think your boss means to be rude or dismiss your problems she will probably just be following the works sickness protocol which cant be avoided unfortunatly. I know you said you get good money and that but if you keep being off (which isnt your fault) because of your depression and that (again not your fault) and you dont like it where you work at all like you seem to say, then i would agree with your boss in that you need to have a good think about whether leaving would benefit your recovery at the minute and start again somewhere else when your better, like with animals? Thick about you and what is gonna get you going again, whats gonan make you feel better and help you recover? its not an easy question but its one worth considering.

    Have a fab time with your fella, sounds like a lovely few days away, your enjoy it.

    Thank you for my one back for ya ;0)

    Take care hun xx

  • Im sure she is just following protocol. I just worry about what my mum will say and my aunt if i dont go back. I need another job i can't just leave. I dont know what to do Caz.

    Im soooooo tired at the moment, i cant even think.

    Going to have an early night tonight, prob be on tomorrow xx

  • Yeh it is a worrying situation for you and def hard to think about when your stressed. Hope you had a nice nights sleep x

  • Hi, well am at a hotel tonight. My aunt upset me earlier a little, i text her to ask if John could stay tonight, i got, I suppose so. Why say that, made me a bit anxious actually. So we've ended up coming here. Couldnt go to johns mum and dads, because his dad is soooooo difficult. So told a little white lie. Am here tomorrow aswell with john and xmas eve am going to my mums, xmas day johns mums, then boxng day and day after hotel again. Its so nice we can get away. Costs money but there we are. Johns kind enough to pay. Love him for it. Wont see much of my aunt then. A little less anxious now but not great.

  • Well my love have a super super xmas and enjoy the mini break. keep strong ignore negative comments reactions ect and remember you are doing well to keep going in spite of all the stress you have had. Speak soon xxxx

  • Back again. Worried about xmas now. Text my aubt earlier said what i was doing, she sent back thats nice for you. I just felt that was a funny response again, Now im woried about going there tomorrow to collect more stuff as wont be home until friday. Im worried that her son and kids are coming boxing day and will be sleeping in my bed. I dont think theyre staying but i dont know. Which i dont want. GODDDDDDD. I dont want to feel like this over christmas.Im dreading the following week as got to see what im doing about work.

    So stressed hun xxx

  • I know its christmas but im so fed up :( Whens this ever going to end.

  • If i had the answer to that hun i would give it you, enjoy your time with your fella, try to ignore the possible negative and focus on the positive events like spending time with yoru boyfriend. I have struggled today mate as well, but i had a good cry and then enjoyed a quiet xmas with my boyfriend xx

  • Am trying to enjoy it, but am so anxious about everything. Its ridiculous. Did have a good day yesterday but am just thinking all negative things, where im going to be living, going back to my aunts. I want soooooooooooooo much to be with john in our own place. I cant see it happening. If i mention it i get not today please its christmas, blah blah. He'll say am i at work, am i going back to work. I dont know how to answer. I dont know what to do. Im so anxious about that. Im going to have to ring my boss soon. Im sure shes knows im off first week of jan but after that i dont know. Im waiting for another meeting to be scheduled and im scared stiff.. Got such a headache coming now. What am i going to do....

  • Yeh alot of stuff going on for you isnt there, its not ridiculous hun its how you feel at the moment. Answer honestly all you can say to your boyfriend is what you know, how you stand in your current situation, dont try and make things up or you will be forever trying to remember what you said, trust me been there done that didnt help :0) i tried to cover up my problems and it just made me more anxious be honest with ppl close to you. You said previously you were considering reducing your hours at work, is that still possible? because i know you dont wanna just leave.

    Glad you enjoyed yesterday x

  • I dont know, i said that to John and he said it wouldnt make any difference. If i reduced hours at work. I was only thinking down to four days a week, wont make much difference. Just dont know. Im so anxious tonight its crazy. We're together but i feel i cant talk to him sometimes.

    What with havent no home at end of january, well, i dont know whats happening so thats what im thinking, I dont feel i can go back to work yet, Everything is just too much i cant deal with it. xx

    Sorry i hope you had a good christmas Caz x

  • God i dont want to go home tomorrow. Its been so nice here with John. Im dreading it and 2013. I dont want to be here.

  • Hey, hows you today? sorry wasnt on yesterday. Hope your ok xx

  • Hi, am so fed up. Woke this morning managed to get John to do one more night. Hes been in a mood all day, had a go at me earlier, doesnt want to be here, shouldnt of done it. Making me feel so small. I dont think i can put up with him being like that anymore. It makes me feel so anxious. Im worried sick about going back to my aunts tomorrow. Im worried about EVERYTHING. Work I dont know what to do, he keeps saying i'll lose my job. I cant go back, not yet, or not at all. I cant go on Caz. Ive got no money, though the insurance company are paying my loan but not sure how much. Im just worried sick about everything. Ive got johns birthday 2nd jan and my mums and aunts in jan. Im worried about that. I havent got the money.

    Sorry to moan, ive just had enough.

  • dont know what to do about anything, even whether to stay with John. At the end of my tether now, i cant take anymore.

  • Another night at the hotel. Got to go home tomorrow, im dreading it. I feel so anxious. Im anxious about going home. Anxious about work, telling them im not coming back yet, telling my aunt im not. Why is nothing ever easy. Why do i have to feel like this. Feel awful.

  • Ah Rachy hun, everyday i have my fingers crossed for you that you have a little bit of good! wish i could do more. Anyway its natural that you are gonna be anxious about 'everything' as you put it ...breath un breath! xx

    I cant tell you what to do about you boyfriend only you know the relationship as its been for the time you have been together and so only you will know whether its a relationship holding on to. He is right about your may lose your job i dunno for sure, but if you do then see it as an opportunity to move on to something you want to do. Yes you will be skint but at some point something has to happen either back to work which i understand is difficult (even more so if you dont like it) or back to signing on and start again! There is nothing wrong with starting again mate if that happens. I used to be a staff nurse and due all my health issues i was in and out that and other jobs for years, i have had to start right from the bottom again as a support worker/carer (what ever they are called these days to rebuild my career) sometimes we have to take a step back to allow ourselves to get stablised.

    You wont know whats happening with housing until Jan, im sure whatever happens your family will put you up, if they want you out then they will have to speak to council and say that and then maybe the council will find you a place. Ask your mum and aunt what they want you to do...i know this is a major anxiety trigger for you to ask this but you already feel anxious around then so whats a little more eh ;0) fidn out hun then you can approach the issue better xx

    Hugs to ya xx

  • thankyou for being there once again. I do take on board what you say. Im just such a worrier and my anxiety is up there as always. Wish we could meet :(

    Ive got to ring my boss next week and tell her that i dont feel up to coming back yet, i still have another two months on the last certificate. See what happens i guess. even that i dont know how to word it?? Then theres telling my aunt, don't know what im dreading more.

    Thanks for the hugs xxx

  • Oh i know you take it on board Rach and i understand how anxiety makes you a worrier ect i still have problems myself and in those problems that still exist im a 'total worrier' so i understand, you remind me of how i was for years and i know finding a way out of all this is difficult but you do get there, im by no means totally there but im passed the...'theres no hope stage!' so if i can help someone i will try. im more only on a social anxiety level now the rest seems to have eased and to a certain extent i feel alot of shame still about having to start again in my career (carer to nurse back to carer) but now im getting alot better i am determined to stay in health and social care maybe not as a nurse now but somewhere i will fit back in ;0).

    Wording stuff is a nightmare i used to go over and over and over what to say to people and then i would predict how people would respond to me and so also think of a response to thier response (CRAZY) this is something i have had to work hard to stop because it doesnt help it just drives you more crazy and makes the anxiety worse....try and think of the thing you have to 'Tell your boss your not ready to come back and that you have 2 months left on your sick note which you are gonna have to take as you know your not well' and then stop! make yourself stop there dont predict anything she may say, just wait and see! Its hard and takes a while to get a hang of but getting into this habit has helped me soo much, i still slip sometimes slightly but for every bit of predictive thinking i do 'my mind now allows me to tell myself to stop theres no need, wait and see!'


  • Got such anxiety. Came home earlier. My aunt was out but came back soon after. She said how she'd been to work and said was i going back. That was it my anxiety went up there. I said not yet, she said she was worried id lose my job. Now im even more worried about everything. Talking to my boss, telling my aunt im not going back yet. Got overwhelming butterflies. So scared.

  • God am so anxious. Im just dreading everything.

  • Thats kind of her to be concerned but i can understand why it would raise your anxiety, your work cant take your aunts word whether you are going back or not will have to come from you so you will have to speak to them, but you were gonna speak to them anyway so nothings changed hun the situation is no worse than before. Dont worry hun it will be ok. Why did you aunt speak to your work? does she work in the same place? did your bosses ask her? xx

    Happy New Year to you hun! I know you probably wanna forget it but im wishing you all the best anyway and will have my fingers crossed for you to make great progress in 2013 xx

  • No dont work with her. Just meant that she said she'd been back to work and when was i going back. I felt so awkward.

    I rung work today, my boss seemed ok. Was very anxious leading up to it and during. I said after a couple of weeks i would see then about going back. Im just so anxious at the moment still. My aunts out but will be back soon. Dreading it. My boss said i should go to the doctor and get on to the psychiatrist. As i said i hadnt heard from them. She asked if i have a mental health nurse, which i did before but not at the moment. I said ive got added anxiety at the moment because weve got to move out end of the month, she said about looking into my accomodation, councils etc. Im dreading having to go to the doctor, psychiatrist, everyone. Im soooooo worried about the psychiatrist. Ive got such anxiety. New years going to be just as bad as this year, i know it. SORRY so negative. Just cant see and end and dont know where to begin..

    Texted my mum earlier, said i may go over tomorrow, got negative responses, and then when am i going back to work, i said dont know, dont give me grief about it. Havent heard anything from her since. Really feels like she doesnt give a shit. So god knows if ill be going there tomorrow. She doesnt seem to want me there. Its so hard her being like that let alone everyone else. I dont want to be here.. :(

    Happy new year to you too hun, and thankyou for being there xxx

  • Dont apoligise to me hun i understand how you feel i really do...xx

    I think your boss is right you need to go back to your GP and ask for more help (mental health nurses ect) i think this will be a major help to you and help guide you to sorting things out and getting well, your doing really well but a little extra help would be really good for ya. Where do you live again i will google and try and find other things which may help you in your see the GP i will google ;0) .

    Speak soon, take care hun. Happy New Year xxx

  • Helllo, just calling in to hey ;0) hope your doing good today xx

  • Hi Caz, I live in crawley, west sussex. Havent called about the psychiatrist yet about appointment. Dont know why i havent heard from them for ages. Have been so anxious these past few days, the norm really. Worried about ringing them, about ringing my boss next week. She said to me to go back to my doctor but am worried about it. I think its the psychiatrist who has to refer me to a cpn, and even then ill have to be at my mums if they want to visit me. Its all awkward, Am so stressed about everything. I had a nurse ring me today to do with my claim for insurance on my loan, She was very nice. Im worried i may have said the wrong things. See what happens.

    Read on here that it helps anxiety if you take vitamin B complex, vitamin c, calcium and magnesium, have you heard of this? wonder whether i should try? Can i take them if on antidepressants?

    Me and john together tonight and tomorrow. Its his birthday today. Dreading having to go home friday. Still not knowing about where we're moving to, if she even wants me to move with her. God im a mess..


  • It will be make you feel anxious having to contact the GP and psychiatrist but thats what they are there for to help you...just think how good it will be to get more help and get well, go on Rach ring them you can do it hun.

    If your gonna take supplements and already take medication or have pre existing conditions you really need to talk to you GP first just to make sure there wil be no contra-indications to taking the supplements, please make sure you do speak to them before taking supps. Also bear in mind while these supps may help anxiety, its not just anxiety you have is it, until your on top of your depression, unresolved greif and PTSD it may not have an effect.. speak to you GP mate 1st xx

    Happy birthday to your man.....have a nice couple of nights. A mess can be cleaned up ;0) and it will be xx

  • Dreading tomorrow, really dont want to go back at all. Worried about everything. Dont want to be there at all. So scared of having to go back. :(

  • Cant go on like this. Am so anxious.

  • Which is exactly why you need to go back to GP and sort these horrible feelings out xx Good luck tommorrow you will be fine. Be wishing you luck all day tomorrow xx

  • yes but i cant tell my psychiatrist why im anxious. Thats making me more anxious. If i tell him im living withmy aunt then i'll lose him.

    Didnt go home today in the end. Got to go back tomorrow, so all those feelings are still there. God i hate my life.xx

  • If you cant tell your psychiatrist the reasons for your anxiety just because you are afraid you may loose him due to where you live, then having him as a psychiatrist is not doing you any good, they wont just dump you Rach, if they need to they will just allocate you a new psychiatrist nearer to your home....but they may not even remove you from thier books, you need to tell them and go from there.....they wont just say see ya they will keep you on with them until they find you someone else.....IF they even have to you dont know and all this not knowing is preventing you using the psychiatrist for what you need him for.....xx

  • Sorry Caz, just worrying as usual. Am home and am so anxious about her coming back. But am going out in a little while. Didnt want to leave the hotel at all. Johns staying tonight thank god. After that not sure when seeing him. Its so tough. Sorry im such a pain xx I do appreciate everything xx

  • Your not a pain...not at all. You do really need to tell you psychiatrist though hun or this secrecy is gonna eat away at you enhancing your anxiety even more and preventing you getting the help from him you really need. Its very tough i understand that mate i really do. Have a nice evening with John xx

  • Been really anxious today, the norm. Worried about tomorrow as shall be probably going to the doctor. Partly about my toe, and my anxiety and depression. But got to ring about the psychiatrist aswell, see whats happened to the next appointment. Should probably be ringing my boss tomorrow for an update but may wait a couple of days.. Shes the one who suggested i go back to my gp about a mental health nurse but im sure thats throught the psychiatrist.

    God i dont have a day where im not worrying or anxious about the next day. Doing my head in.

    Anxious about having to move. My aunt said tonight she'd looked at somewhere yesterday but didnt like it. And that shes thinking of getting a four bed house for us, her daughter and son. I wouldnt like that, i dont get on with my aunt that well let alone her daughter. Thats just going to make me more anxious i know it. So scared about whats going to happen. Worried about tomorrow. Goddddddd.


  • Havent rung the psychiatrist yet and didnt go tot the doctor. Dont know why. I got up, checked my account and my anxiety went sky high. My loan people had taken a payment that wasnt meant to be going out. So became so anxious. I cant deal with things at all. I ended up going to my bank, so i hope its sorted and back in my account. So anxious about it. I cant even do that. Im not at home tonight, dreading going back tomorrow. I dont know what im doing anymore. I get so anxious about every little thing. That im doing everything wrong, that people are talking about me. So paranoia aswell. Cant stand this.

  • You prioritsed today that you bank was the most important thing and you have sorted it as well as you can for the moment so good on ya hun. GP and psychiatrist has to be a proirity now this week, wouldnt you agree? try again to ring them tomorrow hun xx

  • I will, will ring the psychiatrist anyway. Doctors maybe weds. Dont really know whether to go the doctor though, My toe is sore on and off so want him to check it. Dont know where else to start with him. Do i tell him im still anxious and depressed, or wait til i see the psychiatrist. I just cant make decisions its crazy. xx Dont want to go home tomorrow :(

  • I would see both of them to be honest i think telling both could help you better. Its up to you though hun, but i would see one of them asap xx

  • Rang psychiatrists secretary, got appt on monday 14th. Dreading it.

    Got to ring the doctor tomorrow, dont know whether to ask my mum if can stay there tonight. I feel so awkward asking her because i feel she doesnt want me to. No harm in asking guess. God, so anxious.

  • Good on ya Rach, you will of course dread it thats to be expected but def make yourself go hun.

    If you wanna ask your mum ask he,r like you say no harm in asking is there. xx

  • asked her, sems to be ignoring me. Have to bite te bullet and ring her i guess

    How are you today? xx

  • rang her, she said when was i going back to work, because id said i was going to dr tomorrow, Was i going to get him to sign me off again. And i'll lose my job. Gods sake, its none of her business. Said i didnt know. But im here. At mums. She asked again, so when am i going back to work , i said dont know. She said how long have i been signed off for now. I said i dont know. Again i thought its none of her business. Why wont people leave me alone. Im so anxious about everything and she and my aunt just make me worse. Hate this. Im worried about the doctor tomorrow. Im going to tell him about my toe but dont know what else. I dont know whether to ask about if i cn take vitamins or not. Arghhhhhhhhh, big scream.


  • Didnt go to the doctor, idiot i am. But appointment they had was 5pm and was leaving my mums to come and meet john. Got to try and go friday now. Have rung psychiatrist and got appt monday. Dreading everything. Have to ring my boss again i guess aswell which im scared about. Dont know what to say. The last time i spoke to her i said (which was a week monday ago) i wasnt ready to go back. But would go to the doctor again etc. Im still not ready to go back, i dont want to at all.

    Worried aswell because i stayed at a hotel monday, which no one knows. I m worried my boyfriends going to find out. I told my aunt i was staying at my friends and as far as my boyfriend knows i was at home. Im going to get caught out i know it. I said id watched lewis and didnt like it, he said did my aunt like it. Now am worried that when he comes round, hes going to make conversation about it and i wil be caught out. God why do i get into these situations. So anxious.

    Am with him tonight and dont want to go home tomorrow.

    worried as the money for my loan hasnt gone in yet, and i have no money left, enough to cover my car insurance thats it. God am in a mess......

  • Im fed up with being made to feel guilty, having to lie and being made to feel bad and being put down. I dont know what to do.

  • Hiya,

    Mate you really need to keep your GP and therapy appointments to get on top of your mental health issues, i know it hard but getting help from them is whats gonna help you to get better, basically go in and say im not coping i need more help!..your family are probably just really concerned for you and thats why they keep asking about things i mean i dont know them so i couldnt say for def why they ask. Try not to let the opinions of othesr consume you Rach people will always have opinions no matter what you do or dont do it human nature just let the bad opinions pass you by and carry on focusing on what you want....'to get well' thats is the most important thing. xx

  • With john tnight again, being made to feel guilty as usual. Dont think i can take much more. Worried about tomorrow going home. Dont think i can go to the doctor as no money, only whats in my purse. Still no sign of loan going in, which is stressing me out. Up shit creek. I cant afford to drive over there tomorrow and have to go again monday, so may have to go to dr on monday aswell. Nightmare. Got to ring my boss tomorrow, and havent been to the dr or psychiatrist, so god knows what shes going to say. Im not ready to go back at all so i dont know what to say. Got the consellor saturday morning and got the impression my boss wants me to see the doctor about a counsellor. AM so confused and anxious.

  • If you cant afford to drive over, ring and arrange a consultation over the phone maybe. xx

  • worried about talking to my boss tomorrow. Dont know whether to tell her ive been to the doctor, god dont know what to do. Help.

  • Just tell the truth hunm if you start making stuff up thats gonna add to you anxiety its not worth it x

  • got massive anxiety...

  • worried about tomorrow, going o the psychiatrist. Dont know what to say. Am so anxious, ive got to tell him im living at my aunts and thats making me worse, Going to lose him i know it. Dont know whether to go to the doctor tomorrow, anxious about that. Will have to go to my mums for a bit if i do. Anxious about that. Cant stand this.

  • You will be worried but you need to go dont you. tell him about your living circumstances and get it off your chest its not doing you any good hiding it. Good luck hun xx


    hi on of the members of this group has set up a chat room thing for ppl on here if you wanna join for a chat click this link or put it into google if you cant click it xx


    hi on of the members of this group has set up a chat room thing for ppl on here if you wanna join for a chat click this link or put it into google if you cant click it xx

  • Hi Caz,

    Your going to kill me but didnt go to the psychiatrist today, or the doctor. Just couldnt go. I know its not going to help me by not going. but I just woke up and couldnt go. Appointment at the doctor wouldnt have been till 7.10 tonight, that put me off going. Ridiculous.

    I feel an idiot for not going. I left message with the psychiatrists secretary and havent heard anything from them yet about another appt. Shouldve gone to the doctor aswell, as my toe is sore for one thing. IDIOT i am. Got counsellor thurs at 7pm which is putting me off. Its like i cant go out at that time. Arghhhhhh. xx

  • I understand how hard it is to go to these sessions hun i really do, you know you need to go to get the help so keep trying. What is it about time? or is it really nothing to do with time and more you dont wanna go because you dont know what to say? x

  • It is so hard, have left two messages with my psychiatrists secretary but not heard anything. Didnt go to counsellor tonight because am actually feeling a bit rough, so got her monday now. Maybe it is because i dont know what to say. Prob should be ringing my boss tomorrow but dont know whether to or not and what to say if i do. Scared about that now. :( Dont know what to say to her, goddddddddd. Im not going back yet.

    Not feeling great at all. Meant to be snowing down here tomorrow so dreading that as it is. I cant not go anywhere, its my mums bday tomorrow meant to be going out for a meal. And staying at hers tomorrow. Anxious about the bloody snow. :(I was going to try and get gp appt tomorrow aswell, mainly because of my toe. So stressed....

  • rang and had to leave message on my bosses phone. I expect they all went home early today. So may ring tomorrow.Im worried theyre expecting me back maybe monday, but im not going. Feeling rough, pain in my head and neck, its only a head cold but making me feel rough on top of my anxiety. Was going to the doctor today, my toes so sore, worrying about that. Couldnt go, Argghhhh

    Dreading tomorrow, dont want to be here. I managed to ge tout today to tescos but the snows awful so had to postpone going to my mums, for her bday. Annoyed. Totally ruined my plans and really anxious about weekend now. Which is making me more anxious. That doesnt make much sense. Just ANXIOUS.

    Hope to god i can get to my mums tomorrow.

  • Hope you manage to get to your mums this weekend, drive careful in the snow hun and I hope you feel better soon and manage to get to your appointments ect xx

  • havent gone to my mums, she kees putting me off, that its not worth the risk, that the weathers going to get worse.Id rather be over there then here, im dreading it when they come back. Im dreading tomorrow being stuck here all bloody day. Ive tried to see if me and john can meet but he keeps saying how bad the weathers going to be God, i cant be here.

  • If the weather is calm enough why dont you go for a little walk tomorrow to get out for an hour or if its not calm enough how about watching a film and snuggle in the house out the cold . x

  • been snuggled in today on my bed, having a sleep since half two. Dreading going down stairs now. Really needed it. Well was keeping an eye on the snooker. I may go for a walk tomorrow, see if can make it to the shop. Bloody weather. Its even making me more anxious. Not being able to do anything i wanted to do, going to my mums for instance, seeing john. And going to the doctor, i know my toes infected still. Miss him so much. Meant to be going to my consellor tomorrow at 6pm. Prob have to cancel it again.

    How are you coping in this weather?Its been snowing prey much all day here.


  • Can you not have your counselling session over the phone? if you are problems attending maybe telephone sessions are the best way to go x

  • *pretty

  • So far we can manage ok with the snow the roads are mostly clear of snow so its been ok. Just started snowing again though. Down side of your GP being quite far away isnt it not being able to get in to see him when the snows here, it will pass though so dont worry, lucky for us we dont live in Canada where they have weeks of deep snow ;0)

  • have booked appt for thursday morning for gp but will prob cancel it if meeting john. Try and go friday. Got to go about toe, but dont fancy driving there tomorrow. Meant to be seeing counsellor tomorrow but will prob end up not going. Got bad head tonight. Stress i guess.

    Yes its a pain having to drive over to my gp, but i dont want to change at the moment.

    Not looking forwards to the next couple of weeks really. Dont know whats happening with moving. Havent even started to pack. Thats doubly stressing me out. xx

  • I dont think you should cancel sessions to meet your health not a priority? being that you are struggling im not saying dont see John not at all but things are not going to improve if you cancel sessions for reasosn such as that.

    Have you managed to get a new place to live? hey you could make an igloo with this weather hehe i hear they can be quite warm if made correctly lol xx

  • urgghh typos....sorry!

  • dont know actually. Ill prob try and go tomorrow. Maybe seeing john tues and weds not sure. Wait until the morning and see what its like out. Not that seeing john makes a difference, its just we may be at hotel, i hate this weather, not being organised. I like to know what im doing, its just stressing me out xx

  • good idea, making an igloo! No i know i shouldnt cancel sessions to meet with john. I just want to see him. I dont know what im doing half the time,or what to do. Got a headache cos i cant stop thinking :(

  • I know you want to see him but there will be other times outside your appointments to see him, im not trying to sound like a bossy old toad but i think you need to consider whats the proirity here! If you focus on these sessions and it helps you to feel better would your relationship not also benefit? you know by allowing you to spend the time you want and deserve with him with less anxiety ect because you have made progress in recovery? xx

    I have always wanted to spend a night in an igloo lol just to see what its night though would be my limit i mean i love things like my hairdryer and im not sure an igloo would do well with me blow drying all the time lmao xx

  • Lol! igloo wouldnt be for me either, hairdryer and straightenners, couldnt cope with out them!!

    I know your right i should get to my appt's. I dont think your bossy. I appreciate you being there for me xxx

  • am so anxious, whats new :( :(

  • keep at it...go to them appointments ;0) xx

  • got meeting tomorrow with my boss and hr woman, absolutely dreading it. I dont know what to say, and am worried sick what theyre going to say. Theyll probably ask if i want the job. Whether im going back. God am so scared. Have had to cancel dr tomorrow as it clashed with this meeting. Theyre going to ask me about dr and psychiatrist and i havent been. God am so scared.

    Plus ive got to move out next tuesday, long story so wont go into it, but weve got to be out tuesday, thats stressing me out. I dont know whether to mention it tomorrow. I cant go back to work yet, as you know, i dont know whether to say to them i need the rest of the time that ive been signed off and see how i am each week. Arggghhhhhhhhhhh so worried xx

  • not my fault this time but didnt go to meeting. Had call from hr woman to say that my boss couldnt make it so was postponed. Till when i dont know. So dreading when thatll be. Stayed with John last night again. Am so scared about moving, havent got a clue whats going on. Ive got so much stuff and nowhere to put it. My mum doesnt seem to want to help. Worried im going to be homeless tuesday. Still heard nothing from psychiatrist. Went to dr today, but wasnt my usual dr so he just looked at my toe, still infected. On antibiotics yet again. Also have had to book appt for fasting blood test on 14th feb to check my diabetes, now worried about that, Ive been so bad, am dreading the results. Im not dealing with it at all. Because im depressed i eat and eat, and the wrong things.

    Got mum on at me about going back to work, if i dont go back ill lose my job, they wont put up with it for much longer. If i go back to work i wont have to put up eith my aunt, i can get somewhere on my own. Plus i got paid today, which isnt good, going to be even worse next month.

    So stressed, this housing thing is making me feel worse. How can i go back to work at the moment. My mum just doesnt understand. :(

  • bloody anxious about tomorrow, got to go to hospital about my back, dreading it, am so worried :(

  • went to hospital, the doctor thought its all connected to my anxiety why ive got a bad back. Tension in the muscles. Great going to have that forever then :( Had to have an x-ray whilst there and got to go back end of april. Being reffered for physio aswell. Am so down about everything. Have been looking at old pics of my sister, and am now feeling more down. Looking at the life shes had and I wish i was like her. Just another thing to bring me down.

    Still streeing about work. Saw my counsellor today, who said to try and get back to work. Really petrifies me. Got application for a care assistant role today. Dont know what to do with it. SO FED UP :(

  • 1st of all ....Hiya and hugs to you ;0)

    Right then, it is an acceptable conclusion that your back pain can be related to your anxiety alot of physical pain can be related for anxiety sufferers i used to get horrible headaches, stomach upset and sweat like an olympic athlete this has now eased quite alot as i get better with controling my anxiety, so your back pain will quite possibly ease as you get better.

    Dont use the sister thing as something to bring you down, be happy for her and use the idea of being more like her to push you on into getting well, dont try and be exactly like her you after all your own person no one is the same you are you and from what i know you are a lovely person.

    Work: do you like health care? if yes then i would go back to work and apply for other jobs in the field tell your boss this particular area is not for you but you would like to go somewhere else in health may have to take a pay cut but hey at least you would be working and happier which is a start.

    Hugs to ya xx

  • * stressing!

  • thanks for reply hun. Its always reassuring to know your there xx.

    Feeling a bit less stressed, but im wondering what to do about my boyfriend. Everytime we see each other we end up sort of having a disagreement, not a full blown argument, but can be a little heated. On his part really. I dont know if i can put up with his mood swings anymore. He had a pop earlier, we popped round my uncles as my mum was there, as its her partners birthday. Came out to leave and i said to my mum would she come round to my aunts for a coffee. Told John and he went off on one. Why have you done that, blah blah blah..... I said whats wrong. He didnt want to come back with us, saying its all awkward. I cant bear him being like that. I just dont know what to do anymore. About him. We'll have been together 7 years feb 7th. And i'm thinking of calling it a day :(

    I havent filled in the application form yet, but will do later i think. I think there may be possibility of accomodation with it so i will see. Back to work dates getting ever nearer. Havent had a letter for meeting with my boss yet, dreading that.. When i saw my counsellor she said to basically go back, i need that job. But apply for other job. Yet again my minds all a mess. I dont feel ive got any hope of getting a job tbh. Not with my anxiety and all my other ailments. Got to go back to my doctor i think about my toe. Hes not going to sign me off again i know that. I know i need to get back, it just seems such a HUGE hurdle. Im worried sick about everyone having not seen them for ages. Esp one particular person. I know is going to be funny with me. SCARED Caz :(


  • fed up with being told what to do, think its time to call it a day

  • had yet another eviction letter yesterday, to be out on the 12th feb at 12pm. But i hope its ok, my aunt has spoken to the landlord who said he knew nothing about it. So looks like we're staying for the time being. Still worried though. Am so anxious about work and what to do. I havent spoken to my boss, i cant afford the credit to ring her to be honest. So im waiting for a letter about the meeting to come. If it doesnt i'll have to ring her i guess, Im so broke. They took back a recovery advance of 500 pounds, it was ages ago they cocked my pay up, now im off sick they decide to take back what theyre owed. Up shit creek. And yet again my mum and sister have upset me. I'll end up with no one and its all because of my anxiety...

  • Am so petrified about everything. Going back to work the main thing. Helpppppppp

  • got letter today, got meeting monday at 1.30. Now im scared and very anxious. What am i going to do....

  • D Day tomorrow, absolutely dreading it. Be on here tomorrow whatever the outcome :(

  • didnt go to meeting again they cancelled it because hr woman sick. Now ive got to wait for them to rearrange. Im worried sick and soooooo anxious because probably being evicted tomorrow. This week ive got doctor and psychaitrist. I cant cope anymore...

  • Got doctor tomorrow, dreading it. Was only going for my blood test but thought id book dr appt aswell. As i need to see him about my toe. And for the fact my certificate runs out 22nd feb. Im just not ready to go back yet to work. Im dreading asking him i really am. Then got to ring my work and tell them whats happening. I dont think hes going to sign me off any longer, im not sure. Ive got added anxiety at the moment, one minute we're being evicted the next not. But this time weve got to be out of the house on the 26th feb. So im so anxious about that. I dont want to go back to work knowing that ive got all the stress of moving. I dont want to go back then say i need a couple days off to move. Id feel awkward asking having been off since october. GODDDDDDDDD really worried. :(

  • went to doctor, had blood test then saw my doctor. Said i was still so depressed and anxious, said about my housing issues. He signed me off another 10 weeks, got to go back in 4 to see him, about my blood test results, toe and everything else. I saw my psychiatrist friday whos stopping my citalopram and putting me on fluoxetine again, which ive been on before. He said i was on them for 10 years, cant remember. So im giving them a go. They did help me before.

    Im absolutely dreading tomorrow, got meeting with my boss and hr. Worried sick theyre going to ask me to leave. And theyre going to say when am i coming back, is the job for me. Which i dont think it is. Am so scared. Advice if anyone there?? So worried.

  • Anyone there? Am so anxious, had dinner and wanted to be sick. Have been evicted today so homeless. My mum doesnt want me here, can only stay a couple of nights. Shes being an absolute cow. Be sleeping in my car i expect. Am worried about tomorrow as got interview. God knows what i'll say when they ask about my sickness. Im not at work at the moment and havent been since 24th october. As ive previously written... The job i feel is beyond me. I dont think ill be able to do it, im so scared what theyre going to ask me. 3 people interviewing me. Petrified. Life is socrap i cant ever see a light at the end....

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