My 26 year old baby

I love my boy to bits but he hasn't grown up I clean up pick up his clothes after shower sott his finances do him food I spoil him I am to blame but when I am ill I would like so help and I wish I didn't have to pick up after him constantly. I know he is suffering depression there isn't alot to do around here and life is tough in my area. 

  I am feeling so anxious tonight and dehydrated. If I dont drink enough by monday I will have to sort it out. My head is buzzing feeling so down.

12 Replies

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  • I'm sorry you are feeling anxious as well as down.  I sure know the feeling.  So your son is 26 just like my daughter?   Oh, I feel like I'm running a hotel.  I do everything for her as well.   She even brings her laundry over for me to do now that she's moved out.  Kind of in the same  position.  I also pay her bills because she barely  gets enough from disability to cover her rent.  How did this get so out of control?  

    You say you are dehydrated, what happens on Monday that you would have to sort out?  I would think  your head is buzzing from the dehydration.   

  • Hi,

    Little bit of advice here, get your life back. Daughter who brings her washing, fine, but it's on the understanding she does it. That means a simple conversation to say, don't mind you doing you washing here, I'll show you how to use the machine. You are not responsible for washing her clothes. That is her responsibility. If you don't do it and she doesn't the outcome is she has no clean clothes. This impacts on her not you. For the son it's similar. Pick up his stuff but dump it on his bed for him to sort out. His mess encroaches on the shared living space and you feel the impact. Let him feel it. DUMP IT ON HIS BED. Why are you paying your daughters bills is she not claiming housing benefit?  They're grown adults and you are enabling them to carry on not taking responsibility. This situation is created by your feelings of self worth it: I am a bad person if I don't do it, I'm his/her mother and that's a mother's job to look after her kids. You are not.....

    It's also our job to prepare them for being an independent adult and we do that by giving them responsibilities. You are the best mum ever by teaching them to be independent and self sufficient. These are valuable life skills. Remember they have the ability but no incentive. Why would they when someone else will do it for them. Hold this in mind...if you weren't here, who would do it for them? Or would they just not do anything.

    A lot of parents find it difficult to transition from doing everything when their children are young to teaching them responsibility. The trick is give them chores from an early age that are age appropriate. Sorry for the long post but this is what I do for a job. Okay ladies rant over, pull your big girl pants on and administer some tough love. Remember you are doing it for their benefit also.

  • This is an excellent reply! I have had similar things going on and my psychologist said stop being the doormat and start being the $35000 Persian rug hanging on the wall. In other words you have allowed yourself to have not respect worth and honour. They won't like the change, just say sorry I am not well enough to do this anymore. No fights about it, end of story. Wishing you well

  • Your right, it's about not engaging in the arguments accusations and emotional manipulation that will follow you putting in new rules. You have to stay strong and ignore all their hysterics and stick to the new rules, no compromises.  Sometimes we need to be strong to deliver life lessons and skills in order for our children to grow and develop into self sufficient, independant's individuals.🙂

  • Aishah50,   your reply is what happens when people take things out of context.   I'm surprised since this is your job.  My daughter is slowly dying of Anorexia.  She weighs only 70lb.  She came as a foster child many years ago with a lot of baggage.  She suffers from chronic kidney failure as well as being weak and bones fragile.  I worry everyday what will happen when I die.  I am making plans now.  Before she got as serious as she is today, 6 years ago, she completed both her CMA and CNA schooling following in my footsteps as a paramedic.  Even in her condition which was already taking hold, a cardiologist I knew gave her the chance to do her training with them knowing that she probably would never be able to pursue her dream of helping others. Neither one of us has a self esteem issue.  We both did our best in what was given us.  Myself having Mitral Valve Prolapse, Anxiety, Fibromyalgia as well as more recently with A-Fib.  We collaborate on medical issues but physically I have to carry her, she is too weak.  Forums are great for emotional support but sometimes there is more to the story than meets the eye. 

    I wish you well.....

  • My comments about esteem were actually to DenvaJade. I did not take anything out of context rather I commented on the situation presented. I am sorry you feel the way you do about my comments. This is a forum and posting implies that responses are welcome. I was not attacking anyone or implying anything , rather offering advice, which can or cannot be accepted.  

  • I didn't feel you were attacking anyone, I just felt you needed to know the whole story behind my comment.

    It is a very overwhelming job to have an adult child who suffers from chronic illness.   It's the biggest part of my anxiety disorder.    Of course, I welcome advice from this forum, we just pick and choose what pertains to us. 

    Thank you for replying.

  • We all have our stories and we choose what we disclose and what we don't.  I never take anything personally rather I take things with a pinch of salt. I am sorry your daughter is anorexic. Research  indicates anorexia is usually linked to childhood trauma and low self esteem. Children often become anorexic as a way of gaining control in their life when they feel they have no control over other things that happened. While I am not saying this is true in your daughters case, this is true for a significant number of anorexics. Children who have suffered sexual, physical or mental abuse will often become anorexic as a coping mechanism. I have received training to deliver evidence based interventions to children and families suffering from a range of issues and I take my professional role seriously. I would spend time observing and assessing a family situation before offering support based on my assessment. i would never offer advice or support Without knowing the relevant facts.

    Advice offered in a forum, is and only can be based on the information presented.

  • Thank you Aishah50.....

  • If it turns into accusations and an argument  I just say I am not doing this! And walk out of room. Hard but working. 

  • If you don't engage, they have no one to argue with😉

    Aishah xxx

  • Hi Dodo dont blame yourself we as parents chose to help our children best we can what ever age .Maybe just having a chat with your boy and setting a few ground rules might help especially as you are unwell share and share a like .you no what id give anything to run round after my daughter who passed away to cancer all over again hugs Paula xxx

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