Doom & Gloom.

[Dodo777]

When I cant sleep I go deep into my self and as of late I get the feeling I haven't long left to go. My health isn't up to scratch. I have been in and out of Hospital for pains in my kidneys I have this disease called Achalasia which prevents me from eating solid foods or even water some days and a few weeks ago my lungs packed in on me . Gather all that up and I think my body is telling me its time to go or is it my MH playing tricks. That's one thing when suffer from MH issues you cant be sure about anything there is always that doubt in the back of your mind , specially if one has had a breakdown in the past and I have had a few over the 30 odd years . Nobody tells to your face or at the time that your "cracking up" or "losing it" and " heads gone" it always when your a bit better people will say yea you done this and done that and you didn't look right then mate.

So many guys my age who abused their bodies over the years are dead Alcohol, drugs, suicides and I was one. I think going to prison cleaned my system a few times and has given me a few extra years 55 going on 70. Being so stressed over the years hasn't helped either. O well lets see if I can have some shut eye. Bye for now.

[Bagrat]

It doesn't matter what is causing you to feel like this. It is really upsetting for you whatever. I can't imagine how you must feel and I'm sorry as I get the feeling that your actions as a younger soul have influenced your life path. The past is over and today is the only day you need to cope with. You say your achalasia varies, maybe today will be a better day. Each day is different and I hope you can quiet your negative thoughts.

[Lovebug79 in reply to Bagrat]

I don't know you but I can tell your a strong willed person just keep your self movated that's the way of having a healthy lifestyle just keep moving don't lay around i know some days it might be hard but force your self have a good day

[Dodo777 in reply to Bagrat]

As a child I went through every abuse you can imagine and it carried on up until I was 17. I reacted with anger and violence but when I got treated for PTSD , Depression crept in big-time. I did awful things to a number of people not sexually and now I am judged by people who has never felt the belt the stick the poker the knife the iron the verbal abuse of which I found the worse, I might add. I thought I was tough but over the years I realized I was a vulnerable victim easily led and have suffered number breakdowns. I now live like a hermit with absolutely no interest in being social with anyone. I don't trust people with good reason because once some people realize I am an easy touch they did take advantage. I must say I find life much more enjoyable being on my own. I tried living with a few woman and found it far to much drama trouble and stress. I just could not cope as I could not control my emotions.

Yes one night hanging with a much older guy ruined my chances of joining the army and ended up in Borstal . A close friend in school days and myself was always talking about joining. HE did and he travelled the world and it made him he was also abused but not so bad as myself I have always compared our lives because we was close and I always think what if I didn't climb out of my bedroom window that night I broke the law how would of my life went. Bit of an over share but that's how things has gone for me.

[Agora1 in reply to Dodo777]

I'm sorry you had to go through all that pain physically and emotionally. I found myself crying while reading your post.,

Thank you for sharing, I know how difficult this must have

been but now we all have a better understanding where you

are coming from. I also did some research on Achalasia, I

am sorry I didn't do it sooner. I feel bad telling you to eat

when that is a physical problem. I had never heard of it before.

You have been very kind with your replies to my posts on my

bad days. Now I'd like to be there for you. Take care my friend.

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

Hello, how are you?

[Dodo777 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you and your reply has given me an emotional lift. I never judge people no matter what they do because I believe many people who do terrible things are obviously in pain and I also believe nurture not nature is important to peoples mental health.

I used to wish the system would of taken me from my parents but I would of ended up being abused in care because abuses was going on in the system so I think the better of to evils was best being with my parents. I met so many damaged people in prison because they was put into care.

Putting predators in prison for many years hopefully will deter most people from abusing kids damaging so many.

[Dodo777 in reply to Agora1]

Over the weeks I will tell you bit by bit what happened to me as a young one it helps to get things off my chest. I also see a nurse every month to keep me on track.

I used to think THE Americans was nuts to eat peanut butter and jam sandwiches but me and my boy ate some a month ago and now we have it every week. I hoping to get one down me soon their are very nice and good for you. Off subject but getting hunger pangs which is a good sign for me and since giving up smoking I get hungry more.

have a nice evening.

[Agora1 in reply to Dodo777]

I'd like hearing more about you if you are comfortable in sharing your story. You see, I was a foster mother for a number of years but only had one child placed with me who needed undivided attention. She came into our home at the age of 2 but already had a lot of problems. I adopted her at 10years of age. This is the 26y.o. anorexic daughter that I talk about. Life can be very cruel and children who are abused are affected throughout their lives. Take care...

[steadfast66]

Glad you have an idea what's going on in your life. We all are going to die...many much sooner than you probably. We try not to worry about dying but living. Live the best you can. Do some of the things you enjoy as long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone else. Find pleasure in little things. Sitting quietly and watching the sunset or watching animals and how God has provided for them. God loves you.

[Dodo777 in reply to steadfast66]

I do carry a lot of guilt but also a lot of pain. When one has been abused severely by a mother I think it can warp ones way of thinking. I do over think but that's part of being a loner. I have found peace of late only through very strong meds and meditation and yes I know God has a plan and I am in it somewhere.

[steadfast66 in reply to Dodo777]

I tend to overthink too. Most of the time misjudging situations and people (what they think about me). I am asking God to help me get over that and it seems to be working. I heard this this morning: "Have you became a burden to yourself?" That's what happens when we overthink. I don't want to make me a burden to myself but I realized I have...now it's time to change that way of thinking and get rid of the negative thinking. Carry on. Don't stop living...focus on the good things in your life. Have you heard of the book, "The Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer....a good book to read and implement.

[Dodo777 in reply to steadfast66]

I will get it and read it thanks.

[Hidden in reply to Dodo777]

Hi Dodo, just me... what you have been through is horrendous and I can't begin to imagine. How are you feeling today?

[Dodo777 in reply to Hidden]

I feel ok gutted that my chemist stopped my Valium but I get where they are coming from. I been ticking all the boxes and then complaining I was still getting all the meds I didn't need feel a bit foolish but like I said in last posts I am on very strong meds. lol I ok but how are you and the rest on here ? I will get over this bout of depression have done so many times.

[Hidden in reply to Dodo777]

Yeah just keep going eh... I'm trying a hot yoga class tonight so will see how that goes. Never done yoga before! 😕

[Dodo777 in reply to Hidden]

Give it time and you'll enjoy it .I done it for over a year but stopped when I became ill. I will start again soon when I get back to a normal routine again.

[Hidden in reply to Dodo777]

Yeah its meant to be good, this class involves heat too which is a new thing I think! 😆

[wentworth67]

Thinking of you Dodo hugs Paula xxx

[Dodo777 in reply to wentworth67]

Thanks hugs back.

[Hidden]

Hi Paula hows everything with you?

[wentworth67 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Jill im good thanks are u ok im feeling fine at the moment i think im back to coping now katies birthday has passed,just gonna have a look in a moment see what chocolates i can scoff whilst the lads watch footie ha ha xxx

[Hidden in reply to wentworth67]

Aww that's good glad you are ok. Was telling Dodo earlier I'm going to my first yoga class later! 😆

[wentworth67 in reply to Hidden]

Thats good then my aunty swears by her yoga classes shes as fit as a fiddle .anyway let me know how u get on hugs Paula xxx

[Hidden in reply to wentworth67]

Will do I will be stretched in all directions ha ha! 😆

[Hidden in reply to wentworth67]

Hi Paula.... I'm here, just....

[wentworth67 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Jill glad to hear that hope you not in too much pain from your yoga the thoughts of it makes me dizzy ha ha xxx

[Hidden in reply to wentworth67]

Hiya, no pain at all, must be due to the moisture of the heat blasting out of the machine... it was certainly different. How you tonight?

[wentworth67 in reply to Hidden]

Thats good then you be ready for your nxt session .Im good thanks just being bored silly hubby and sons got footie on again so im gonna paint me toenails thats my yoga done for tonight ha ha xxx

[Hidden in reply to wentworth67]

Always good to have nice feet I've got a nice burgandy on mine. Had hair cut and eyebrows today and just running the bath now... aahhh x

[wentworth67 in reply to Hidden]

Hi jill hope u ok .Ive invested in one of them scholl foot things its brilliant my feet are good now so i paint me toenails more now.ive just had my hair done into a bob it was quite long but fancied a changed .what style did u have xxx

[Hidden in reply to wentworth67]

Oh nice sounds good. My hair is about shoulder length, curly... how you today?

[wentworth67 in reply to Hidden]

Hi jill im good just changed my bedroom round new curtains and bedding get some summer feeling into it .i love curly hair its all coming back in now again .are u ok xxx

[Hidden in reply to wentworth67]

We went for a run in the car, lovely day here. Always good to feel the summer feeling! 👙👚👜 x

[Redhots7]

Good time to be talking to God.

You will find peace and when you are still and quite, you will find answers 😘