Can't help but feel a bit low today :(

[Lils30]

Hi everyone sorry this is so long I kind of need to vent!

So a while a go I posted on here about my mum and my wedding and how the whole thing made me and my now hubby really anxious and stressed and how very hugely controlling my mum was being. Shes always been controlling more so with me and my little sister rather then my brother, I'm not sure if that's because he's the middle child but anyway! She started off by telling my partner and I that we could not organise a wedding and shouted at us when we refused to listen to her. Put huge amounts of pressure on me. With regards to venue/setting a date getting invited out. She took money she promised us away and my dress and at one point we nearly had to change venues (or give up on getting married completely) because we didn't know if she was going to give the money back!

My partner and I haven't done anything wrong, we haven't provoked her, we were so great full when she offered to pay for half the wedding but became clear she was using the money to try and control us, we just wanted to plan our wedding and of course have her help but she went too far. You could call it excitement but she went out and brought my bridesmaid dresses when I clearly said I wanted to go shopping she ignored me.

I would love to say that things dramatically improved. That our situation was what all mothers and daughters go through when the daughter gets married and emotions were running high, but it wasn't like that at all, it actually felt/feels very serious. Now all communication has broken down between me and her. All because of her actions which she refuses to take any responsibility for which is hugely frustrating.

On the wedding day it's self she blanked my partner when he said hello to her (nice).

I had asked her to come and see me on the morning of the wedding she said she would ' love to' she then kept me waiting all morning and show up and 12.20 the ceromoney started at one! My bro and sister were furious/stressed because she's been at the venue ages.

She managed to behave herself during the day apart from looking stoney faced but then left early without saying goodbye.

The next day we went on honeymoon and hubby and I are excited and opening all our cards...I then slowly come to the realisation that there isn't one from her, I wasnt fussed about a gift as she had paid for half the wedding... but a card?! So I texted her and asked her if she got us one and she said 'no, no card, I didn't leave the house for ' 3-4 days before the wedding' she had more then 3-4 days she had a year to get a card! I went a bit mad and told her I was really offended by this and she didn't get why. To keep this short we exchanged emails to where I got it all of my chest, I didn't want to be horrible, I just kept my email all assertive and listed out what she had put us through over the last year and hit the accusations she threw at me (in her email) 'you clearly like your new family more, I don't know why you invited us to the wedding!' I rubbished it and she didn't like it, as that's what she clearly made her self believe. The worst thing she put in her reply back was 'there isn't place for you in my life right now' as if I'm a bit of electrical equipment she can turn on and off when she feels like it!

The situation is seriously painful and I have ups and downs it's nearly always on my mind,

And the first thing I think of when I wake up. I even dream about it! I don't want his to rule my life! I'm a counsellor myself and I try to keep it all in perspective and say to myself what I would say to people who come and see me which is I know it's painful but start to enjoy your life and hubby, and give her space. Sadly this is Easier said then done!

I keep asking myself do I really need this controlling person in my life? Who says harsh things like that? Hmm at the moment no; but the truth is, its the worst feeling in the world when it's you own mum because I don't know if this can be fixed :(. Thanks so much for reading lily

[Hidden]

Awwww just read this, what a sad situation. Let your mum come to you, easier said right enough. Hope you manage at some point to get things sorted. Life too short eh. All the best x

[eddymo]

Lils30 hello,,,,, My feeling is that even if you make up with her, she will always be a controller one way or another. You, and your siblings will have to let she have her way, but put your own limitations on her, if possible. Mum will never be livable if she can't get her way. Try to outsmart her by knowing her reaction and either give in knowingly or STAND YOUR GROUNG. Good luck and congradulations on the marriage. Eddie G.

[BettyA]

Your mom needs psychiatric help...seriously... but that doesn't seem likely to happen... So my advice to you is that YOU get some counseling. I'm not saying anything is WRONG with you... you are a good, caring, loving person...but you have been subjected to your Mum's controlling you for years and THAT might take some help to overcome... Please...please...please consider this, will you? No one can blame you for ANYTHING you said to her...

If you don't you will eventually strike out in ways that will lead to something hurting or punishing you (because you think you will deserve it for not PLEASING your mother).... DON"T let this situation ruin your marriage.... Your husband sounds like a real sweetheart and you both deserve a chance at happiness and FEELING that you do... So please, consider counseling. You need and deserve help so that some 'unexpected' things won't pop up in the future... because feelings WILL find a way out...

I wish you both luck and love.

BettyA

[Hidden]

Hi. I felt so sad when I read of what has been going on in your life. Let's get one thing clear from the start - you DO NOT deserve this kind of treatment from anyone, particularly not the one person who is supposed to love you the most, and unconditionally. Your mother sounds like she is in desperate need of help and support. Help and support does not include allowing her to behave in the way that she does. There are many people in life who will use whatever weapon they can to maintain control over others. In my experience, their problem usually lies in their own childhood and what they learned at that time. However, that is not your problem, it is their problem. The only way to get out of your situation is to take a stand. No doubt you love your mother despite everything. Let me tell you, I have been involved with children who would kill to protect the parent who abuses them. So I know you wont find standing your ground easy. But you have a new husband who will support you, and siblings to turn to for further support. What has to be clear in your head is that you need to stop your mother from abusing you further. And yes, abuse is the right word for what she is doing.

[Hidden]

Your mother had to spoil your special day....why? Because she resented the attention being focussed on you and had to make it all about her. My mother was very controlling and only recently did I find out that she had a personality disorder and there was a name for it, and I didn't need to keep endlessly trying to please her, do things "right" whatever that was (it kept changing). It was hugely liberating to find this out, but very sad as well because she can never change and be the loving mum that I would have wanted.

[Lils30 in reply to Hidden]

Hi it's great to hear from someone else who has a controlling mother, I knew i wsnt the only one but thank you for commenting.

Sometimes growing up some of the things she did/said I knew weren't right but you don't really confront your parents when you're young...or at least I didn't! You grow up thinking you parent are right but then as you get older you think hang on a minute!? I think no has ever stood up to my mum or her partner as a couple and now that I ve done that she's all shocked.

It's interesting you talk about personality disorders/mental health, I think it's very true! Being a counsellor comes in useful sometimes ! I believe my mum has a narsarrist personality disorder (npd) and most of my family agreed with me. Narsarrists are huge attention seekers, they often choose narsarrist partners too. when they doing something nasty or out of the ordinary they don't understand what they done wrong and can't comprehened taking responsibility for their actions, they will claim they only ever try to help, they are also huge victims and if anyone does anything to hurt them or take their control away they demonise them. I feel very demonised and rejected by my mum. Knowing this helps a lot ... It doesn't take the pain away but at least I know what I'm dealing with. I'm not going to tell my mum that I think she has npd, In the counselling world it's rare you get to work with some one with npd or who has streaks of npd youhave to treat them carefully and work with them slowly as t not to upset them or they will just reject you as a counsellor and find someone else who will tell them what they want to hear!

I know my mum will never change she's never said sorry in her life for anything but I know she loves me I think I can only wait.

[Hidden in reply to Lils30]

Thanks Lils, I believe my mum has npd also, all the traits match but the behaviour is different with each person. It's good you have discovered this, I found that I could stop hoping and expecting and could anticipate. I'm not in contact as she behaves so badly towards me and has destroyed my family. It's a lot better this way. All the best.