My cousin's wedding is about 2 weeks from now, and my mother and I have to go shopping to get me a dress and shoes for it. A couple months ago when they invited us to the wedding, I was actually looking forward to it. But something happened with me during this summer, I'm not sure what exactly because I can't admit it even to myself so I have no idea what it was, but something broke inside me and my anxiety has gone through the roof. I cannot be around people anymore. Yesterday I tried to go clothes shopping with my mom, literally the second I entered the mall, all bright and open space and sooo many people everywhere, I felt faint and like I couldn't walk, so incredibly dizzy like I was going to fall down. I grabbed my mother's arm (I'm 20 btw) and held on for dear life, I literally only spent 20 minutes there, bought something I really needed, didn't even take a look at dresses or shoes for the wedding and begged my mom to leave. I had to be somewhere 40 minutes later and my mom asked me: "what are we supposed to do now that we have so much time?" I didn't know what to say, I just wanted to cry. Today I went to visit my doctor and I was sent to have my spine checked as apparently neck problems can cause vertigo, but I know all of it is in vain as my problem is certainly all in my head. My family doesn't know about all of this. I barely survived today having to sit for 10 minutes in an almost empty waiting room at the doctor's, I don't know how I'm supposed to survive a whole wedding. I need to go back into therapy, I know, and I am going to, and I also need to slowly get back into society at my own pace but I'm worried my family will never understand, as they never understood my problems before. I don't know what to do should I not go to the wedding? I know my family will feel disappointed because they don't understand, and I will hate myself for missing it, but I don't know if it's worth all the suffering I'll be going through at the wedding. My symptoms are horrible, and when they strike, I am always 100% certain I am going to faint and make a scene in front of everybody so I tend to act really weird and everyone starts looking at me and it just gives me more anxiety. I am just wonderin how I could go to a wedding, with absolutely no chance of leaving early (my father will say that I am embarrassing him, he always does when I leave family gatherings or don't even show up at them) when I can't even go outside during the day when there's people, or to the doctor, or clothes shopping without having a total meltdown. I feel beyond miserable.
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