Of Rhyme or Reason.

[shadow45]

Lately I have been getting snippets of memories of nasty little things that I have done in my past. Mainly from my second divorce and how that effected my daughter Visual memories of her in tears because of something her mom and I had said to each other in her presence. These snap shots of upsetting my daughter are devastating. Today my daughter and I have a very good relationship.. she is successful and happy and lives a very good life. So I understand that I am punishing myself with these memories... But why I have to ask.

There is an underlying feeling that I have had all my life..that I am just not good enough. Good in the sense that maybe I should do more for my fellow humans. I feel I have a lot to answer for. I have tried volunteering at a local church.. But find being around people who have lost everything and are now homeless.. or in very poor mental health ..scares me .... as I think sometimes that this may be my future as well.... The sense that the bottom could drop out has been worrying me a lot.... My anxiety issues have caused problems in my life with work... I have been inconsistent over the years with keeping a job for any length of time. Somehow I did manage to maneuver through these problems and raise a mortgage and pay it off. And as some of you know I sold my house a few months ago... and am now renting... So I do have a little nest egg. Even so I still have this nagging doubt that I will end up without anything. It's been the pattern of my life so far Gain and lose.. over and over. We just had a very busy weekend at work and I was involved with interacting with literally hundreds of guests at the Resort I work in. For three days I was polite and helpful laughing and joking with the guests as they enjoyed the catering we had provided for them... So functioning in the work world is not a problem... I am good at what I do and am appreciated for it. But I get no residual contentment out of the work ..it doesn't feed my soul.. When I come home from work I feel empty again. I am tired of just existing day in and day out.Its a problem that seems to be getting worse in the sense that I am having some trouble shedding these feelings ...Hoping that one day I`ll be able to see more clearly how I can change this way of thinking. Going to therapy taking meds its just not doing it for me... Sure these things help.. and my meds are working the way they are supposed to. But here I sit feeling alone once more. Maybe I should accept the fact that Ill always be this way and let the chips fall where they may. Just plain worn out......................... steve

[Hidden]

Hi Steve

I can understand that things have happened in the past that we regret & wish we had not done , but we can't turn the clock back & as you have said your daughter has turned out a lovely women & very stable so that says even though you are punishing yourself you obviously did something right , but when we suffer with anxiety & depression we don't tend to look or cant even see the positives in ourselves , just the negatives , which I can relate to as it is something I do , just pick out all my faults & when someone says something positive about me , I can either not believe them & think Oh they are just saying that , or the comment will go straight over my head , but I know I have to look at the good in me & remember it is part of the anxiety the way it can keep us in its grip by tormenting us with these thoughts of negativity

You sound like you are been a real star at work & with everything you have been through have you said well done Steve because you should do

I also think I should be perfect in every way , when that is humanly impossible , so if I cannot cope with something or don't feel comfortable with something or don't want to socialize I see it as failing , yet have to remind myself that I am not perfect never will be & maybe I would be really boring if I was & it is normal for every human being to have imperfections & I have to say that includes me to

I can also question everything so much till I can upset myself, I think this is all part of my anxiety but things I can work on & improve

I always say that in anyone day we can only ask to be the best we can in that day , sometimes that can be very good , sometimes we can be in the middle somewhere & sometimes we can be really crabby , but as long as we have tried that is as much as we can ask of ourselves & we should go to bed each night saying I have been the best I can today

Maybe none of this makes sense or helps in anyway & even though I know you have to learn to feel good about yourself I just wanted to say how far I think you have come & how well you are doing

Take Care

Love

whywhy

xxx

[shadow45]

Its been this way with me since childhood..... I know that my upbringing had everything to do with how I developed or underdeveloped certain life skills. Therapy in the past brought most of that to light.... Even though I knew it already... or at least had enough intelligence to suspect that was the case... I have a need to burst out of this prison to become who I really am..... As I age I see now that some things just will not be possible or may be to difficult to attain..... Actors talk of the lucky break that comes along and changes their lives. Others talk of moments that turn there lives around ... Or chance encounters with people that would spark a new way of thinking....I have changed direction many times in life... I have had good friends and many opportunities. I some ways I have lived a full life already.... I traveled the world with my family when I was young.... I have met and had conversations with famous people... Nothing has made a dent in the way I have felt over time.... I feel that I have lived others lives in the past.... An old soul some would say... I feel now that I am ready to go on to the light and be with that for eternity.... Not to make the choice of coming back into an existence on this plain again.... Its a hard life to live on planet Earth ....The pain and suffering that has become the norm on this rock is taking over If there is a God... He or She would have snuffed out this madness long ago..... As the story of Noah tells us.... To understand that so many of us just have to slog through life pulling Marley's chain around day after day..... I can't see the point at times ...

[Evey37]

Hi Steve, we as humans are far from perfect. We have all made mistakes no matter how big or small. Our past restricts our current and our future. To err is human? There is always a light to work towards no matter how distant it may seem. You have come so far as why why said. Keep smiling ...