Me again

[shadow45]

I am in bad shape today I can't get away from my anxiety The days are all blending into one long painful nothingness I am having more trouble being out in the public.. I feel like I am not myself in a very uncomfortable way now... I went by to see a friend yesterday And I found that I couldn't really communicate with him I had to leave after 5 minutes. These people are my only connection to a normal life.. And now I can't be with them I had to go to the crisis nurse again I am hyper and panicky all the time now as I type this my mind is crying..I need to stop feeling like this or I wont be able to function at all. I asked the nurse about the many things that can occur when I get like this Such as the fear of leaving the house etc. These things can rear up out of the anxiety and take over the mind I feel now I may be heading for a full blown break down...

[Hidden]

Hi Shadow,

Sorry you are feeling so low at the moment.

Give yourself some breathing space you where very busy the last couple of days I think you could be worn out with it all, plus you are getting use to the meds as well.

We are all here for you so you are not alone ever. I am sure your friend will understand you are under a lot of strain at the moment and it was only a blip that you had to go and get home.

Talk again to the nurse if you need to, you might need some thing to calm you down in the short term

[Hidden]

HI again x Im having my bad days these last few, and im trying to tell the anxiety to get lost but its hard x Dont give up on the days they will get easier in time, and please dont give up on the world, I often say my biggest mistake was staying in and not continuing to face the world x If you keep going and riding the waves before you know it will be a pro at it x I find at times I cannot communicate with people as they are so different to me now x They dont understand and so its hard, its also very hard to find conversation when you are blocking out the world so much. Have you tried written down how you feel, I have a rant book and I tell it my fears and we have conversations in there me and my mind and it helps a lot. I can understand the fear of leaving the house believe me x BUt keep going you are stronger than you think xx Donna x

[shadow45]

I hope and pray that when I move out (the house has sold) that I will leave behind some of the issues I am now facing.... Just the move alone is getting to me..... I will have some help on the day which is great.... I just had to get some old furniture ready for the donation people.... and just doing that got me out of my head for 20 minutes.... I know If I keep busy Ill be better. Yes this thing about staying in the house is worrisome... I never did have much of a social life.... I had a good pal that I would visit every day at the Pub she worked in... I saw her everyday for over three years.... then she got a Boyfriend and moved a wa....y It was a big blow as she was so very close to being a daughter to me and a great friend... In 2012 I lost my very best friend to Cancer... I could call him whenever I felt the need... and now I can't do that.... I still have not dealt with that loss. So you see Donna I have been losing people all around me for awhile now..Then when my parents went up to Care I was really all by myself..

[Hidden in reply to shadow45]

I think sometimes starting a new life is literally leaving the old crap behind in lots of ways. The pressure will be off for one now its sold and its all a fresh start. The move is bound to be stressful, we can build a lot of possessions in our times in our homes and sometimes we have to choose which things go and which stay x But try to think of it as cleaning out your life and mind x Its good your going to have some help on the day x It can be very hard when we lose contact with our friends as we feel so much more lonely when this happens x They promise to keep in touch and rarely do once they have a life to lead. Sorry to hear about your friend. It must of been quite a blow. I can understand though as it was the same for me when I lost my nana, she was the one I rang with all my problems and she gave me the help and advice I needed to stay strong, when she went I had no where to turn and so imploded with emotion. I can fully understand it all, we tend to give up hope when we feel the world has deserted us x But you are never alone, we are all here on this site for you to help in any way we can. No its not the same as its miles away but sometimes just writing it down and knowing someone understands it the step it takes to get us better xx Donna x

[shadow45]

For me its the shocking reality of it all... Did I realize I was like this when things seemed (ok) Why did I not see what was coming... Maybe I did... and just didn't want to look at it head on Ok I know I cant keep asking these questions as they are somewhat meaningless now.. Here I am in this mess. Again just spent 30 min clearing out all the old paperwork that has been hanging around for years all the old birthday cards etc Do you hold on to all that stuff as well.. I mean its been in a box for years.. I never take them out to look at them ..I guess I am getting rid of all the stuff I just don't need anymore... there will be more cards in the future. This sentimentality I have must be connected to the feeling of love that I need from my family. Its a little bit of love when someone sends a card with a nice message...I tell you i feel like I could run a marathon today... I am so hyper..... this is one of the side affects I am sure.... this boost of energy thing that is happening today. Yes I know what your saying about your Nana When we left for Canada all my family was at the train station crying their eyes out... I never forgot that sight... I didn't understand at the time that I was never going to see them again.. Although I did go back to visit many years later.... But to leave them like that still haunts me... I was 9 and I just didn't get what was really happening. My friend Brian was my rock the only person who knew me inside and out A friend like that comes around rarely in life and to lose him was a massive blow. I am now waiting for the donation guys ..Much Love Donna bless you steve.

[Hidden in reply to shadow45]

I think sometimes deep down we know we are not like others, maybe a little more shy, worry more over things, more careful in general with life and its belongings x But when anxiety strikes its a shock, as I don't think anyone realises it can be and is this bad. If we could predict the future we would of taken steps to stop it. I can be terrible with keeping some things, I have all of my kids school reports and pictures and books from school etc. Christening cards and birth cards, first birthday to x But after that I stopped myself as I come to terms with the fact that a piece of paper etc no matter how long we cling to it, it cannot make us rewind to the place we where then x We have the memory and that's good enough. If you are having that energy flow today then use it for good and look at the things you have to sort and do it while you can. Sometimes we can have a build of energy as we have the adrenalin spikes with the anxiety and no where to run it off so to speak.

It must of been very hard to leave your family in that way, and very emotionally draining to see them that upset, Im sure it was a hard decision for your parents to make to, starting a new life so far away. You never know you could always revisit your past at some time in your future it will give you a goal. Yes good friends are hard to find, but don't give up hope as another maybe just around the corner x Always welcome xDonna x

[shadow45]

Thank you Bless your heart steve