Should have known

for the past few days I haven't even been able to take care of my cats needs I started to think that I should give her away... I haven't been eating and I'm down 40 pounds in three months.... I get sore hips from lying in bed now I have lost so much weight.... I cry all day long just wailing away.... Its a sick pathetic sound that I hate... like a beaten dog...... I went online to see what methods of suicide were the least painless..... Its always been an option in my head when things get really bad..... I think well at least I can take this way out... I`m so sorry... but I need to get this out......... please stop reading if this makes you anxious.... I just don't know what else to do right now ...Its a sickness I know..... but oh God I wish it would be over...... Ill have to try and get some meds and if I have to Ill ask for a disability interview with my shrink..... Its just too much now.... I did work the other day helping a friend with his Catering and I couldn't even do that...... He asked me to make a dressing and I couldn't remember how to do it and I broke down .....and had to tell him I was sick.... This is a small town and I don't want to get a reputation for being unstable.... But the truth is I am unstable...

33 Replies

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  • Hi Steve

    Oh I am so sorry that you are feeling so low

    Please I know this isn't easy but don't give up ,so many of us have been or are where you are at the moment but little steps & you will get better

    You are our friend now & we need you , so please promise me you will get those meds & ask for help & forget what others may think , I know when we are down it can be hard but who is anyone to judge & if people do well that says they are not people you need as friends

    I wish there was more I could say , its late here & I was just logging of , but wanted to let you know I will be thinking about you , please keep talking & posting on here we are listening & we do care

    Love

    whywhy

    xxx

  • I want you to know Ill not do anything to harm myself As you may know when it all falls in we look for the easiest way out Please don't worry whywhy Ill not do anything...

  • Morning Steve,

    I have read you other post as well so I will reply to both on here.

    I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so down about everything. If I could give you a big hug I would and of course make you a nice cup of tea.

    I understand when you say about being a fraud, I have done that for many years and to be honest I think a lot of people do.

    You have had a lot of big things going on in your life the last couple of months, parents moving out and house sale not going through. I am not surprised you are feeling this way.

    Don't beat yourself up for what is an illness. You have come through this anxiety before and you will again.

    Now you must seek out help for yourself via the G/P you are the main priority now nothing else.

    We are all here for you on this site so keep posting okay.

    Sending you positives vibes don't forget keep posting.

    One of your many friends on here Gardener xx

  • Hi Steve

    I think alot of us can relate to how you feel, please ring your gp and get an appt for some help asap

    Jules x

  • Hi Steve. Sorry to read of your distress. Please be kind to yourself, your mind and body are crying out to be left alone to heal. Putting on a face takes an enormous amount of energy to an already weary body. Try not to berate yourself for something that's not your fault - you would not walk on a broken leg, nor would you expect to. It is frustrating not to be able to do the things we once could, many of us with anxiety issues expect a lot from ourselves - one of the reasons why we suffer from anxiety. With regards to your cats, I understand this, too. I have 2 dogs and a cat. At times I feel I'm not doing all I should, especially with walks. I have balance problems and dizziness and it's difficult at times to go out the door but on the other hand it gives me purpose and ensures I get exercise. Take each day as it comes right now, give yourself time and be honest with people around you. Look after yourself. Best wishes.

  • hi

    its interesting to me as you have balance problems.i also suffer with dizziness and balance and have been to the ent, gp,and so many others with no help

  • Hi Charles. Doc said it was difficult to isolate cause. I think if people have a sensitivity in a particular system in their body then anxiety will exacerbate that problem. With some people it's perhaps their stomach e.g. I have tension in jaw, neck and shoulders which I think causes balance problem. Thankfully I don't get many headaches. Have been thinking about going back to doc to ask for tests but can't face the anxiety. My eyes are affected too.

  • really strange as i also have foggy eyes yet when tested my eyes are perfect

  • Hi Steve,

    Please don't do anything drastic, you know you are ill, and need help. Does it really matter it is a small town, is it so bad to admit to a friend, you are ill. If people knew how low you are they would help.

    Please don't give your cat away, I used to cry and talk to my cat, they are such a comfort.

    Please see your G.P. for help, you have gone through so much pain over the last 6 months, and sometimes it takes a lot longer to climb out of that pit.

    Please keep posting, if we can help in anyway. xx

  • The most important thing is to get to your GP right away. This is not your fault, please understand this, and you are not alone even though it feels that way. Your GP will get you medicated and probably suggest counseling. Accept all the help that is offered, it's essential. Take baby steps forward, doing what is comfortable for you. Personally, I like taking little walks and gardening. Try not to shut other people out, it's easy to do that, but we all need each other to a certain degree. Having personal space is necessary, but shutting ourselves off and being lonely only leads to further despair.

    Take good care of yourself, because at the end of the day it's all about you, and you're worth it! Xxxxx

  • shadow 45

    ive often felt the way you feel , I recently had a bad car accident which hospitalised me ,ive been off work now for 4 months, and I have just hit that anxiety wall we all know about.

    there have been times when I wished the driver who caused the accident would have finished me off !.

    and now im uncertain about my future in work.

    this accident has caused pain suffering, and problems with a virgining relationship.

    but I would not concider doing anything to myself.

    what I am trying to do is find a focus, i.e, a volunteering job, and I try to get out of the house now and then ,now that I am able to move around a little.

    I will be out later doing my first physio.

    whilst I have been writing this to you the virgining relationship I spoke of has come to an end !

    my girlfriend and I have just spoken and agreed we cant go on.

    she also has a recent history of depression, and its not healthy , us being together because of both our deppresive

    periods.

    I was on citholopram for a while, but came off them , long before the accident.

    I don't intend to go back on to them.

    so now ive got to get on with life.

    it sounds like you have good friends, confide in them !.

    they will understand .

  • Hi Steve

    I'm sorry you are in such distress. I've replied to your previous post. Please ring your GP and get an emergency appt. big hugs and keep posting we are all here for you.

    This is a safe place to let out how you are feeling. Xxxx

  • Angel..You are so kind. With all the things you are going through... You amaze me you really do.. It would be so nice for the people who have reached out to me on this wonderful site to come over for tea one day ...I would like to meet you all in person with big hugs all round.. xo Steve

  • Steve you are a lovely person and deserve great happiness. I agree it would be great if we could all meet one day. How did it go with your GP? X

  • My dear, dear Steve, you are NOT a fraud, you are a person like we all are here, trying to live your life as a normal human being and under extreme pressure to feel ordinary without the anxiety, and it's so, so hard.

    You need professional help and you must call your GP. Get some meds and stick with them, put your trust in them and keep telling yourself you will feel better.

    Take very small steps and give yourself a little challenge every day, always be proud of yourself Steve, you have had so much to deal with, especially lately.

    I wish you all the best Sweetheart for better days to come. X

  • :).. trying to smile through the tears.

  • Hope you are okay xx

  • Hiya Steve

    I wondered how you are feeling today, better I hope.

    Thinking of you and really hoping you have had a good day. X

  • Hi KB... yes up and down still... But much better for getting it all out yesterday.. Food is very important to my mood and I have been eating a little better today... Went to my GP and will be taking Paxil now... Ill have to stick with it this time And I have a good chance that it will work for me as my Brother has been taking it for years now and it works nicely for him...As you know is the one minute to the next that is such a pain in the butt.... One min I feel ok the next not so much .So I have a hope that this Paxil pill will help to smooth out the bumps in the road... It takes a few weeks to kick in... So again time will tell.... Much love steve

  • Have just joined and am very anxious, but life is so precious and we need to seek help and not even contemplate suicide, it is not an option, even at our lowest and most lonely times, two weeks ago my little Yorkie was put to sleep and he had seen me through the loss of my husband, Mum, SON and Dad, I feel so hopeless and yet am hanging on for there must be something worth living for, hope is my promise to myself, it helps me to carry on.

  • Hello alyselina

    Can I just say Welcome :-)

    I saw your reply & I just wanted to say hello :-)

    Love

    whywhy

    xxx

  • Thank You whywhy, it is nice of you to reply, I am devastated to lose my little dog Albert, he was almost 17 but so faithful, we all need someone to care and that is what he made me feel that he cared for me, I hope you are ok today xx

  • Hi

    Pets are like family & you still feel the loss & the pain & have to grieve

    I am sorry for your loss & I know you cannot replace him but maybe in time you might feel you can have another companion who I am sure would love a loving home as you would obviously give :-)

    I have had quite a good day Thank You :-)

    xxx

  • Oh My!!! what a time you are having alyselina. I feel your pain as my cat is so very important to me now as well.... But to have the loss that you have had in your life and to be still moving ahead is amazing. You really must have a very strong will to live..You can be an inspiration to many on this site Please keep posting and keep us informed as to how you are coping... Bless you for your kind words ..Much love steve

  • IT HAS taken me a while to reply as I have been away for a break, I was in a safe house locally, which is a place that I applied to stay for the weekend, it has really been very good for me to be there, but coming home is hard for my little Albert isn't here to great me, I checked and the last time I went into respite for a weekend break was November 2007, in December 2007 ny husband became seriously ill and died IN AUGUST 2008 of liver cancer, caused by diabetes firstly having cirrhosis which then became cancerous, IT WAS HORRENDOUS but I had my son at home for whom I cared, 4 months later I had a mastectomy and February 2009, a scond major operation because my cancer had spread and I was termed STAGE 111, AFTER RADIOTHERAPY I began taking Arimadex which I still take, then I lost my Mum on Armestice Day 2009, I then wondered how I would cope but somehow I got through and continued to care fo my son xx

  • Good grief!! alyselina. I would have folded my tent long ago. I can't say enough about your strength of character. How you have made a lifer after all the has happened I just don't know... But having your Son to look after has been your anchor. I looked after my folks for 5 years before they went into care... And I think that's what kept me going as well.... Now they have been placed in care my life seems meaningless... I do have a daughter who is happy and healthy which is a blessing... she lives her life and I don't really get to see her a lot.. just knowing she is ok is a good feeling So that's good that you can go somewhere and be fussed up a bit. I assume they do look after you in your time of need Bless you and thank you for posting...much love steve.

  • Hello Steve, I hope you are doing better at this moment in time and please do not get too low again, it is always good to have someone to be able to chat to when we are alone xx Alys

  • Well Steve, I was certainly looked after brilliantly, but what I wrote was only half of my pain, In June on the 21st 2012 I spoke to my son and he said...make yourself a drink while I do my legs......, he had lymphodema/Cellulitis and dressed them himself, he couldn't bear to be touched, 28yrs of suffering after being bullied at school, I asked him if I could enter the room, there was no reply, he had an embolism, and died, I was distraught and couldn't believe he had left me, it broke me, little ALbert was my only comfort, on April 7th 2013 my Dad died and now Albert has gone, I hate living alone without my family, but we must keep a hold of our anxiety somehow and it is good to share our feelings, in some small way it helps us to carry on, but it is so hard to do so xx

  • alyselina...Your story made me cry. I wish I could give you a long loving hug. How are you coping with all that stress I just have no Idea how you keep going... But bless every minute you are still with us.... You are a very strong person... Your will to life is amazing.... I would say to you if you are strong enough... get out and tell your story to others who are suffering with pain and anxiety.... you would be an inspiration to many people God Bless you... Your in my thoughts and prayers ..much love steve

  • Hello Steve, I'm having a day in bed, where I can just listen to music which I find very soothing, hope you are a little better, for we must try to face each day somehow, it is hard to be around others, perhaps you feel the same, you are worthy of being cared for and if we can only share our pain, somehow it does help to ease it, your cat must be a really special comfort and will never let you down, so we must and we will carry on and remember that now we are on here we are not alone, I am not a strong person and I live in such clutter but somehow I am beginning to realise, I don't have to do anything I don't want to, God Bless You Steve xx

  • Hello again... I have to tell you I am in Canada and will be 8 hours behind your time in the UK ... my responses may be late in getting to you.... I do start my day with an hour in bed on the computer.... I check in with this site every morning.... I went to my GP yesterday and in doing so I had a bit of a melt down... I asked him if he thought my Paxil was causing more anxiety... But he didn't think so... But I was exhibiting all the traits of a panic attack... So he gave me Xanax... He I must say this pill works for me big time.... It shuts of the incessant chatter going on in the brain.... And I do mean it completely eliminated the anxiety... I woke up this morning around 6 with all the symptoms of my daily stress.... so I took one pill and went back to sleep... About an hour later I woke to go to the loo and I was completely free of the obsessive thoughts.... And its now 8:30 am and I feel stable and stress free These pills last about six hours.... Since my mornings are usually the worst I think I may have found something that will get me over the hump of waking up depressed every day....I still take the Paxil as it takes about three weeks to kick in.. I Agree with you alyselina.. if its not necessary why do it... I know I make work for myself because I feel guilty about being idle... But I don't have any responsibilities to anyone else right now... So I am like you in the sense I have my days to do whatever I want to do.. much love... steve

  • Shadow i understand your pain. I hâte having this crippling anxiety. I have had many of breakdowns at work as well. Its embarrassing, and humilating. Espicially when u feel like Noone understands. I am here for you.

  • seems to me that we suffer from something that pains us badly but as it can't be seen, others are impatient with us and don't care xx

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