I think I'm going to commit suicide. I'm in a homeless shelter and I have no family or friends. I can't remember the last time I used my voice properly, all I do is sit and stare at the walls of my room. I can't feed myself properly. I have very few clothes and I'm not getting any support from the staff. I told my GP before I was admitted to this place that I have difficulty remembering things and that I cannot concentrate on something for a long period of time. I told him that I had previously cut myself and that I am/was living chaotically - I don't cook, I drop things, my hands shake and I am always exhausted. My brain is always empty, and I'm breaking out in itchy, sore spots all over my body. I'm too scared to leave because I have been unable to afford a haircut and the spots are over my face. I tried telling everyone around me before I had to come here that I cannot take care of myself properly and always forget everything. I don't even have enough money for paper and a pen. I have no idea about what's going on outside in the world...I don't even know anything about the benefits system even though I am supposed to be receiving ESA.
Why do I have to be alive? Why am I being forced to live through this? I've wanted to kill myself for years now but the means to do so have always been kept from me. I just wasn't meant to live, it's as simple as that. I don't want to hear rubbish about how life is worth it and how I should 'just hang on' - what for, more failures and more boredom? I'm 22 and I've never had a proper job, I have no skills or future prospects. I don't understand the world of work or how to even talk to people on the phone properly. I can't remember the last time I brushed my teeth or changed my bedsheets. I just want to die already.
I wish that someone could have stepped in and helped me every day a long time ago, but it's just too late now. I keep being told that there is nothing wrong for me, that I am fit for work and should snap out of it. I can't even remember what a normal day is supposed to be like. I'm always sick, always alone and unable to even fill a bowl with cereal.
I hate every doctor and GP I've ever been to see - they never listen to what I am saying. I've cried out for help at least three times over the past 4 years. I despise the crisis team, whom only say 'you need to keep taking your medication'. I want real help...just someone to talk to and to help me. I have no one. I don't have a diagnosed learning disability or anything, but I just can't get through each day. I used to try, but by mid-day my brain would shut off and I would be left confused and dazed, unable to follow instructions or to retain information.
I don't think there is anything that I can do, because I most certainly cannot put my faith in others - the problem is is that no one truly gives a damn. I want to jump in front of a train, but I'm scared of the pain. It's been the only thing I've been thinking of for a week.
And there is no point in trying to tell me to go somewhere or see someone, because I've already seen them all. Who's going to pay heed to someone who has long, unkempt hair and horrible old clothes? I wouldn't have, years ago.
Enough is enough, I wish there was an exit. I'd get to see old friends again. But at the same time, I am writing this. I think this might be my last plea for help. Is there no hope?
Written by
David193
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9 Replies
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hello David,
I remember your last post about a month ago, is someone typing this for you?
gardener x
Yes David there is always hope.
If you had seem this post that you had written what would your reply be to this person, who is asking for help?
Hi David
I am sorry to hear you are feeling so desperate at the moment
I have read everything you have written & I don't think you have any learning disabilities as you have written & expressed yourself very fluently indeed !
You mention you don't have money for paper & pen , I wonder how you are getting internet access maybe a friend or the shelter have allowed you to use theirs , I hope that can continue & then you can get some kind of support
Could you print what you have written down here as like I have said you have expressed your self so well & seem very intelligent, take a copy to the GP with you , I am sure this will give them a better understanding just how you are feeling
You could also as your situation is so well explained in your post & you are entitled to some kind of benefit even if you don't know how to use the system which can be difficult but take a copy of what you have written to the job center with you , pass it them & let them support you from there , don't worry what you look like that is not important getting help is & sometimes we can feel we look worse than what we actually do when we are feeling so low getting help needs to be your priority
Also please phone the Samaritans on
08457 90 90 90
They are there to listen in times like this & will give you good advise
Iv`e been in homeless hostels anumber of times in the past because I just couldn`t get my life on track. I never planned on suicide, but Iv`e been very desperate at times. If I`d had the proper support & help when I was an adolescent, I`m sure that my life would have taken a much better course than it did. Everything is so much better now, not perfect, but at least I`m a lot more content with my lot now. Your`e still very young, & you have all the time in the world to get sorted. You just have to take a deep breath, & try to relax & tackle one problem at a time.
Please keep posting on here, we are all here to support you as we care. Although it may now seem like it things will improve. If you are able to print this all off or show a member of the hostel they can get you some support. We are all here for you, how are you feeling today?
Hello - thank you for responding, and everyone else. My skin condition is becoming extremely bad. I think it's related to stress and trauma. I have itchy, red sores all over my body, including my face. Skin is just falling off. My hair is beginning to fall out. I don't know what to do, I can't survive by myself; I've always been mothered and looked after by someone else. On top of everything, I keep shaking and stuttering if I have to go downstairs to speak to the staff. I think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown or something. Going to see a doctor frightens me and I'm fast running out of toiletries...I have no cash. I'm so scared of people - I live in a place where everyone smokes drugs or abuses alcohol.
Why should I go to a doctor and show him or her what I have written? Nothing will change. They won't DO anything about it. I'm just another one of those lazy layabouts, after all. I hate the NHS and the government. I don't have anyone willing to be my advocate, either. Eurrgh. I don't know what to do.
Could I ask how you are managing to use the internet ?
Who ever is helping you with this I think they would be more than happy to help you with your other problems to if they are as severe as you are saying they are
Without asking for help you wont be able to move forward
I think we have given all the advise we can & suggestions how to try & help your situation
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Help
Anxiety, Please Help!!!!
Please help me to rationalise?
