Sometimes I feel I've bitten off more than I can chew. That sooner or later I'm going to destroy the lives of those who love me - mainly my wife and kids.
I love my family and that's what drives me - but sometimes I feel that I'm always chasing the ball and that I won't ever get on top of things and enjoy life - that I can't take my eye off the ball.
Ever since we lost our twin girls I've pushed to provide and protect my family to best I can - but frequently I feel that I have to throw in the towel. My family will be financially secure, have consistency and routine without me.
I'm not miserable or depressed, I'm just knackered and can't take anymore of a beating. I'm not scared to die, never have been, but I can't imagine death being harder than life.
If anyone knows what I mean, please get in touch.
Its a fairly lonely and cold place I'm in...
Written by
Broom12
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Hang in there if you have people you love and that love you back don't give up. I can't say I know what you mean, but if you were my dad or husband I would want you to fight for yourself and for me too.
I'm not sure this will help, but all I can say is love and let yourself be loved.
Having been awake since 4am with an anxiety attack I thought I would get in touch. Firstly, I cannot imagine your pain with the loss of your twin girls. My brother lost his only daughter due to a hospital blunder, one night both him and his wife lay in bed, their loss so raw, they never thought they'd be happy again, so they spoke about a double suicide pact. Thankfully, and I don't know why, they didn't carry it through. What he said in the 1st few years is that you had bad days or not so bad days. Never a good day. 12 years on, they are smiling again, not for any physical reason, ie more children or grandchildren, just because (and it was a mighty uphill struggle) his wife shouted one day "Lyndsey is dead, we are not!". My brother had the weight of the world on his shoulders and some days just putting one foot in front of the other just seemed live a massive task.
I don't know what to say other than, please think of the rest of your family, they may cope financially without you, but please for a moment imagine their pain if you were not there.
You may well be depressed (we are usually last to notice), and it may be worth a chat with your GP. I was lucky I found a good one that didn't patronise. I've also just finished 10 sessions of counselling (which for years I'd baulked at the very idea). I'm not out the woods yet as there has been a 30 year build up of shit and trauma but it's easing.
I can't help but kick myself for not doing it sooner but I've done it now and my husband says the change in me is palpable. I realise now I was spinning too many plates and one day the were all going to fall......or I was.
Please consider talking to someone, the 1st step is the hardest.
Hi,
Firstly I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I have lost a stepson, who lived with us full time.
Reading your pits I feel you are trying to take full responsibility for looking after the family and the pressure is getting too much for you. Can you talk to your wife about this?
I really think you need to talk to your GP, you need to talk about how you feel. Have you had bereavement counselling? It really does help, I can vouch for that. Cruse have some good paperwork and booklets that you can read on line.
Please , please start talking to people I feel you are trying to mend everything on your own. Talking really does help you need some of that weight taking off your shoulders.
Well done for posting on here, its a first step..............
Being in that dark place is horrid and scary.... Ive been there and its awful......
Someone posted a link for a site on here which I thought was good getselfhelp.co.uk
they have a good page to help deal with suicidal thoughts........
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem......... this line really resonated with me.....
I think like the others say, you have been through a lot and perhaps you need to talk to your gp and get some support, whether thats medication, talking therapy etc
But you have taken the first step by postin on here,,,,, your wife and family would not want you to feel this way and would not want to be without out even with financial security............
As Ive gotten older Ive realised that material things dont matter, what matters is family most importantly and friends.... 'things' dont matter............
Please take care of yourself, hang in there and get some support, it will all change for you!!
Hugs
Ker xx
Hi Broom,
I am so sorry for your loss, and life seems pretty hard for you all at the present moment, like you said so...tiring. I can't even imagine what you are going through, but I send my good wishes to you and try to take heed of the advice of people on here.
"Those who love me - mainly my wife and kids" See the important word there? LOVE. You don't abandon those who love you, or those you love; their financial security would be the last thing on their minds if they were trying to live with guilt and grief. As long as you breathe you can be there for them - please take the advice others have posted and get
grief/bereavement counselling - and stop trying so hard to get on top of things - few of us ever achieve that.
Hi there, reading your post feels as if someone squashed my heart. I'm so sorry for your loss and sending you hugs. I don't normally post as even that seems a struggle but yes I know the daily battle to stay on this earth and it is a huge struggle. I have a husband and 2 kids. A 16 yr old and 13 yr old and I stay here for them. Sometimes I do think they'd be better off without me and my 'issues'. I don't have any answers for you, I wish I did but I have been going to an art therapist and it helps cause I can tell him things that I can't say to anyone else. Try find someone you can open up to. Best wishes for you.
Hi Broom,
I'd firstly like to say to you please try & not be so hard on yourself. I've personally never experienced the pain & anxiety of losing a child or children but I can't even imagine how it could feel & my deepest condolences go to you from the bottom of my heart, but my mind is also telling me that your family still need you so much & even though I don't know you it very much feels like you are the rock or backbone of the family & it will only have more of a devestating effect on the rest of your family to loose you now!
Sine the death of your twin girls have you had or being offered any further support in terms of councelling at all ?
Broom.. Your post has touched us all. Other posts have said so much so I will just say this. I failed at ending my life many years ago... I felt that I couldn't go on in this world... I woke up in a hospital bed. It was many weeks before I could look myself in the mirror. What had I almost done to my family... My Daughter would have been without her Dad. I would have missed out on so many joyous moments that have come in the years that have passed... I know exactly how you feel. Taking ones own life is really not the answer.. Can you imagine if hell is a reality or purgatory or being a lost soul in the either.... Much worse as it is an eternity.. The lose of your children will be a very difficult thing to live with... But on the day when you can smile again you will have the chance to remember them with love They will always be with you in spirit.. Keep posting talk to a professional don't give in to the negative thoughts. stay with us... steve
I'm not depressed - I have been in the past and in 2008 failed a suicide attempt.
That was before we lost our twin girls and before the births of my 2 sons.
Life has changed dramatically since then, and I haven't taken my foot off the pedal.
I have witnessed such incredible times since 2008 and could not be happier to have survived, but it comes to a point where you need to reflect and assess the thing in your life - effort in v's rewards - my effect on the world and thos closest to me - a future with me v's a future without me.
When I weigh it all up, the smart thing for eveyone is for me to disappear out of their lives.
The selfish thing for me to do is to hang around.
I don't unsertand how some people can leave scenarios like this and live a life without substance - without purpose - that's not where I'm coming from.
My sole purpose in life is to provide for my family, to protect and guide them and to ensure their happiness, giving them every opportunity to be what they want to be and to experience all that life has to offer.
Unfortunately I'm not very good at that.
The best chance they have is if I was out of their lives whether they know it or not.
I love them so much that I'm prepared to step aside and let them flurish into everything they can be.
The one thing I can't risk is them somehow blaiming themselves should I leave in this way.
So with the constant beating life is giving me, and the weighing up of what is best for my family, its hard to face another day.
But until I can work out a way where I can guarantee my family won't blame themselves or be upset, then I will keep fighting.
It even crossed my mind to be a horrible person to them - to have them hate me - so they wouldn't be so upset if I left.
I know they love me - but I'm bad for them...
Everyone has different resons for feeling the way they do - I'm just hoping to find someone to talk to who feels the way I do because of the same reasons.
Its like I'm a bomb hidden away but guaranteed to explode for definite some day - surely a controlled explosion is better than an unexpected surprise...
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