struggling with confidence and assertiveness issues

[matosh]

I'm angry and hate myself for not standing up for myself. I do this all the time but it makes me very unhappy. I'm a very soft and friendly person. I let people say things or do things that offend me and dont say anything then worry about them later. Tend to bottle up things and not respond there and then, probably because i dont know what to say then or just for peace sake or fear but i end up being the one who is unhappy.

I've got the strange fear confident and assertive people as such i use short term survival strategy of being quiet or talk very little. As an incharge at work i struggle with decision making and talking to such people as such i find myself fearful,tense and anxious. This is making my life miserable.

I talked about this to my partner in the morning after work and felt better. I went to bed and slept well but the minute i'm up it all came back flooding my mind.I'm due to go for a Christmas meal with work work collegues this evening and i hate feeling like this. i was already contemplating not to go but my partner says i should go.

[Hidden]

Hi

I think how you feel is normal & maybe this is something to do with our anxiety & lack of self worth

I used to be just like you & even now if there is no need to say anything I would rather keep the peace as sometimes its easier for me that way but what I learnt to do over the years is stick up for myself as maybe having kids pushed me into doing this as I taught them to I thought best show by example

But I don't go around shouting & swearing I tell people in the correct manner but let them no

It is never easy & I do get anxious if I no I have to have a confrontation , not sure who wouldn't to be honest & after I can worry about did I handle it right

If people no they can get away with it they will do it all the more

You don't sound happy that you don't stand up for yourself or struggle doing so & even though its not easy maybe you might feel better if slowly you did

Try not to worry you are a caring sensitive person & if only they were more this world would be a better place !

In time you will find the confidence & we are all here to listen & help if we can

I hope you enjoy yourself if you do go out tonight , sometimes when we are not looking forward to something we can be pleasantly surprised & have a good time

Love

whywhy

xxx

[matosh in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Whywhy

I will take ur advice onboard, and i had good time last night.

lov

Matosh

[Hidden in reply to matosh]

Really pleased to hear you had a good time

xxx

[mimii]

Hi there, I think many ppl feel like this at some time in their lives it usually happens to the kind, sensitive ones, it may seem like everyone else appears confident and assertive which makes you feel worse ! You could try some CBT therapy focussing on self assertiveness , or mind groups run self assertive classes in some areas , might be worth a try

About tonight you could maybe go for a while and see what it's like but have an escape plan if you need to leave x

Mimii xx

[matosh in reply to mimii]

Thanks Mimii

I had CBT few years ago and did practical things about assertiveness and it did work but i think i relaxed when things were ok and stop doing that due to anxiety. But i've made up the decision to tackle this again.

Yes i'll try and find out about the mind groups that run assertiveness classes.

Thanks a lot

matosh

[mimii in reply to matosh]

Your welcome and glad to see you went and enjoyed it last night xx

[Jeffju]

Yes, I think we all feel like this and with anxiety already there it makes it seem worse.

I am a great one for keeping the peace and sometimes let people say things which I should challenge... but, hey confrontation...no no no!!!

My psychologist told me when faced with a situation like yours, ie: going out, to take small steps a ta time and not look at the big picture.

So you have a shower, get ready, get the bus/car etc .Just break the evening down and take those small steps and you will get through the evening.

And like mimii says, have a plan B if it all get a bit much.

I really hope taht you have a good night. Julie xx

[matosh in reply to Jeffju]

Thanks Jeffju

Yes i did go to the meal and i'm glad i did otherwise i would have felt like a coward after and that was going to make me even more unhappy. I enjoyed the company and kept my mind focused on what was going on there.

Thanks

Matosh

[matosh]

Hi Hypercat

I really like ur example, these r kind of things i dont react to but still get offended. At times i do feel like going back and say something but i tend to analyse the situation so much and end up doing nothing about it.

For example, i'm incharge of small nightshift workers. Last week when two colleagues incharge of day shift were giving us day report, one of my night staff colleagues asked for advice from them about something that happens at night completely ignoring me as if i was not there. I didnt have a problem with her asking for advice but she never raise any concerns with me at night about the advice. So i felt so little that i kept quiet. The two colleagues from day staff were struggling to give advice as they dont do nightshift, but kept looking at me and i just kept quiet because i felt i was excluded so why should i answer. But the sad thing was if anything happened at night i am the one to accountable, the two day staff will be sleeping at home.

Its still worrying me even now but not sure whether to talk to her or wait until she does something else and act then. Because i'm sure she will do or say something again now that she has gone away with this one.

Sorry for long reply.

What do you think?

Matosh