No no no no no!!!

[MuffinChops]

Here we are again, back to square one. I've been dreading this moment since the last one a few months ago, I knew it would come back to haunt me and torment me again, and here it is.

I feel extremely agitated, angry, frustrated, upset, confused, lethargic, dehydrated, sick, dizzy, not to mention HOT! I've been taking the codeine more recently, without even meaning to. I've just given up and couldn't care less what it does. MH professionals are a load of crap (to me), messing us (me and my family) around 24/7, there's no point in paying their wages either, they just sit on their bums.

I am being called 'lazy' by family, I'm not lazy, I am simply too weak and lethargic to stand for longer than 2 minutes, I'm sorry if that's not a good enough reason to lay in bed 24/7! I lay in bed and just think, trying to force myself to sleep, so I can run away from reality and stop thinking, just for a few minutes would be fab. I can feel my brain twisting, it doesn't feel hydrated, it feels like it's made out of sand and grinding together. I have pain lower in my abdomen, I always get this when I'm dehydrated, I think it's my kidneys screaming at me. I've drank loads of water, but that's done nothing, I still feel dehydrated. I feel really sick and shaky, I haven't eaten for 4 days, what's the point.

So I'm just going to lay in bed with my headphones, listen to music, and just wait until the next mood swing kicks in. Maybe the next mood might be a nicer muffinchops, that normally happens. I just don't feel that 'umph' any more, I want to kick everyone in the teeth and tell them what I think, but I'm too considerate for that!

And just to emphasize how rubbish I feel, a wasp just flew in to my bedroom, I have a huge phobia of them. I would normally be pinned against the corner of the bedroom with fly spray in one hand and a frying pan in the other, wrapped in my duvet so I can hide from it haha. I don't even see the point in catching it. -,-

Terribly sorry if this 'offends' anyone, but this site asks for experiences, and this is what I'm experiencing right now, sorry it's not fluffy unicorns and pink rainbows, I wish it was.

[Hidden]

I think your hungry not dehydrated if you have drunk lots of water. Your sugar levels have dropped.

You haven't offended me at all xxxxxxx

[MuffinChops in reply to Hidden]

I don't feel hungry, nor do I want to eat...

That's good, I'm fed up of picky people...

xxxx

[Hidden]

Not feeling good muffin , but sending you hugs

{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

[MuffinChops in reply to Hidden]

I could do with a real hug tbh! The only person I talk to at the minute is someone from America that I talk to through headset on the Xbox. I love my chats with him, he has a very calming and soothing voice, I could sit all day listening to him. Is it really bad that I love the sound of his voice lmao? I'm weirded out by it lol.

xxxxx

[Hidden]

Sorry to hear you're not well at the moment MuffinChops. I think we all have those lows, and the main thing to do during that time is realise it won't last and soon you'll be better again. Sending you good wishes.....

[wallflower_fairy]

No that's perfectly normal (re. the American guy), we are receptive to some form of human interaction and contact and while you can communicate here - hearing someone's voice is far more comforting.

You've not offended anyone. Don't worry. If it's any consolation I've just spent the past 3 hours crying because my Dad threw away a cartoon of Activia yoghurt behind my back. I was looking forward to having it in the next couple of days and I can't cope with waste. If it had to go it should have been me that did it. I wasn't his food to bin - he had no right. I just can't accept it or come to terms with it anymore. I feel like I've had too many losses. And I haven't eaten breakfast or lunch, I felt so sick, I feel I've experienced some kind of terrible shock. Every couple of minutes I would realise why I was crying and I would be hit with new grief, convinced that I'm not going to get over this - that it was the last straw. I actually feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown but I have to pretend everything's ok because no one will accept me anyway other way. I promptly let out a sharp shriek. I feel like the walls are caving in on me. Sorry for dumping all this but I have to let some of it go even though it's not really help, even though it's only the tip of the ice burg. I know people might not think I'll understand when I say but I really wanted to cut myself. I've been thinking about it for ages. I've been biting myself - hard. And I like it - I like the pain.

And yes, people seem to think I'm lazy as well, but it's not in my control. I can barely wash myself I feel so weak - my arms just so into spasm and I feel myself getting hot and flustered, beads of sweat start emerging beneath my nose and above my eyebrows. I hate it. FML. ... xD Sorry.

Please email me. I miss you...

<3 xxxxxx

[MuffinChops in reply to wallflower_fairy]

OMG I am the same about stuff like the activia yoghurts, I would kick ass if anyone binned or ate my food! I eat special diet food, so when someone else eats it, I get highly irate as I won't be able to eat anything else if one person ate it... grrrr I hate it when that happens!

I haven't done any cutting or 'played the violin' for a good 4 weeks now, it's not willingly though, I feel trapped to stop because of my birthday and new clothes which I'll need to try on etc... I think about it most of the time though, it's really frustrating. I mainly use self medication atm, such as the painkillers and cigarettes, self harm from the inside out is more of what I do now. Cutting just didn't do it for me anymore, but this dude I've been talking to, jeeez the endorphin's that I get when he speaks, wowzers haha! I bite too, and as my dog still mouths (from being still a pup) I like it when he bites me, which is weird. He doesn't bite aggressively, but will go for your hands if you're holding a toy or food etc... I randomly walk in to things, strangely, not on purpose! My balance is way off and I struggle to get around, I feel dizzy all the time. :/

I haven't been on my email for a long time, since the notifications for this site stopped, I haven't been going on it, hence why I've not sent you a reply or email yet, sorry bab! I miss you too, flip flop...

xxxxxxxxx