I wish I knew where it came from. I think if someone asked if I was a happy child my parents would say yes, yet I remember from really early always having a sense of emptiness, especially on Sundays. It was only really when I went to University that I no longer felt this, Sunday was one of the best nights to go out and all the days blended into one.
I don't think I am severely depressed, it's more a constant nagging sad feeling lingering inside me that makes me tearful if I give in.
I keep forcing myself to do things thinking that life will get better and eventually I'll find something to take away the sadness/emptiness. I like to think it's not the need for a guy that makes me feel so empty, so lonely, so much of a failure. Seems so wrong for happiness to depend on another person but yet, isn't that the someone else that makes most people happy?
How do you get past feeling like it's not for you and as though you don't deserve it? I keep telling myself I'm always on my own because I'm not in the right place yet, that it might happen wheni've accomplished more but really, I just don't think I'm capable. I want to believe I can change this way of thinking but I feel like anyone taking on me has to take on my complex family. I feel like I'm not good enough, not from a normal enough family (feel so guilty saying that).
I think I need a councillor to hash this out, I don't know why I'm the way I am. Maybe it's my family. My close friend says she thinks I have some weird inferiority complex and that it's like I don't think I deserve to be happy, that last bit is true. I want to fix myself, I have met a boy who may well not be deserving of my affection but I feel partly like it would be better if nothing ever came of it because he deserves a nicer girl from a normal family not me. The other part feels although I'm being ripped apart and that if I don"try to make this one happen that I'm giving in to fear and not trying because I'm too scared I'll fail and it's easier to sit and mope than to be proactive.
It's not just that though, I feel like I'm not the sort of girl guys fall for. Probably because of two boys I feel I'm easily disposable so now when I try to be out there I feel like I'm driving the nice guy away the whole time by looking for flaws that the other two had. I'm already convinced that one day he just won't be in my life anymore but we've built this friendship online over 18 months. He doesn't seem like the others, will I ever be able to stop panicking that he'll disappear. Will I ever stop getting weepy in private because when it seems like something could come of this I just panic about worst case scenarios. Is it just loss I'm scared of?
I used to cry every night when I was little when my Mum took my Nan home because I was terrified she would die and wouldn't come back the next day. I never told my Mum until she had passed when I was 18. I always thought that panic was under control because it stopped when I was older but I did worry it would then become panic about my Dad.
I feel like I'm just rambling but this really helps, if anyone has insights/similar experiences, I look forward to hearing from you.
This evening I registered for the One Big Jog. My fundraising will be for the Scottish Mental Health Association (SMHA). Doesn't give me too long to piece my running into one solid 5k but here goes and gives me something to focus on until this period of sadness goes.
Goodnight and God bless