Hi! I'm new to this site and lurked for a while but felt I needed to join, because it feels so good to hear the other people feel the way i do, as no one in my real life does. please excuse punctuational errors, etc - just trying to get these thoughts from my mind to my hands as fast sa possible since my mind runs a mile a minute.
i have been depressed for as long as i can remember, but lately it's been on ANOTHER level. for some reason, i was thinking about death a lot. normally when i think about death, it's "omg my parents are aging and will die" but then it went to thinking about MY death and how weird it is to imagine not "being" anymore. then that led me to, well who made the rules that we even have to die anyway? to ISN'T IT WEIRD AS HELL TO THINK WE'RE ON A PLANET IN SPACE??? Like think about it...what is space??? what is this planet??? who made it? i find that my friends cling to religion, and that grounds you. I am not religious, so i don't have that tentpole. so they say "well God made it" and i say "OK WHERE DID GOD COME FROM?!?!?!"
These thoughts CONSUME me. i think really deeply about it then i go down a wikipedia rabbithole. i cry about it. i feel very "not me".everything feels strange now. i feel like i've opened a portal in my brain that will never be closed again - i'm too aware, and i will always remember this time when i was too aware and it'll bring me back. there's just no going back.
every 5 seconds, i sit and i think "omg i could die right now" "i could die right now" "what if my scheduled time to die was tomorrow at noon?" and it's the most scary feeling and i can't describe it to you - because no one knows. no one knows this stuff so there is NO comfort. we just accept hate that everything "is".
I also realized that I care A LOT what people think about me. like if someone else has an attitude with me, i will adopt that attitude. if someone else is sad, i adopt that sadness. i know there's people that don't like me, but i find that EVERY TIME i leave a room - no matter who is in that room, i think "i wonder what they're gonna say about me when i leave". that could be 2 coworkers in that room, that could be my parents in that room - doesn't matter. I feel like no one likes me, even though that's not true. i feel like people think i'm weird because i realized quickly that no, not everyone goes through this. everyone made me feel so crazy and i was feeling like "if you've never pondered your own existence then YOU'RE the crazy one."
i get scared and more isolated when i realize that we ARE alone. you are born to people, you have partners, you have children - but they are not you, and you are not them. you will NEVER fully know what another person is really thinking or feeling.
i've been slowly doing this for a while, but i am more isolated than ever, i also live in a basement apartment in new york. i just feel like this is my little safe zone, away from any potential harm or potential misunderstanding. i feel free. this is where i can feel totally FREE - just me.
I feel blessed to be going through this, but angry at the same time. i feel like i was chosen to think these thoughts for a reason. i feel like this is apart of a journey i'm supposed to be having now. i know it sounds weird but it really does make me feel...special. to whoever that higher power is.
This is only a small portion of what i'm really feeling, but this is the gist of it. i have never felt so depressed that i felt hopeless. i feel like i'm just like what is this? what is this for? why aren't we all 1 thing that looks exactly the same? what purpose did dinosaurs serve? like the mind is really SO powerful. the hopeless feeling honestly feel like something is physically pushing me down. imagine laying in a bed with something heavy across your chest and arms - that's exactly how i feel. i literally feel a weight.
i feel for everyone experiencing something similar. or maybe i'm the only weirdo.