Today I came home, actually I didn't make it home before I got weepy and even during my lunch hour, I was tearful. I don't know why this is. I have rough ideas but I can't pinpoint for sure exactly what makes me sad.
I want to avoid taking anti-depressants and I have managed to do so for the past few years. I try to keep active and I have achieved quite a lot that I'm proud of.
I have always been disinclined to blog about my anxiety because I feel there are people out there who have far worse problems and have much more to worry about. And I will apologise now if in blogs to follow you feel I am taking up space someone else could use.
I have no way of determining what started this. I think even when I was really young, I had a distinct feeling of deep sadness quite often and no idea why. I haven't always constantly felt like this and different things set it off nowadays. Sometimes I can go out for drinks with friends and feel fine, sometimes I go out and have great nights and crash really badly the following night even though I never overdo it.
It usually passes, sometimes it lasts hardly anytime, sometimes longer. Sometimes I overact and freak out that I'm breaking apart and I'll never fix. I always seem to though.
My biggest fear has been a realisation of my inability to form relationships. I have a lot of very good friends. One of my best friends thinks I have incredibly low self esteem and that I'm stuck in a rut. She said it's like I don't think I deserve to be treated well or loved.
I've never in my life before felt as scared and lonely as I do now and it absolutely kills me to admit that. I always thought I'd be strong. I come from a big family and I've been encouraged to be as independent as possible, I've always seen my Mum as incredibly strong. We've had a lot to overcome as a family over the years. I think maybe we're all exhausted from having made it to the other side.
I think it's been a mixture of things. My brother suffers from psychosis. I feel almost like I'm scared that if I were to have children, I might bring a little person into the world who may suffer the same and when I see the torture my brother experiences, I would never want to inflict that on another human being. However, I don't think his condition is genetic, it's more the result of his lifestyle but no one is sure. I also worry a little person might suffer the same pangs of sadness I feel.
I also feel that I might have brought this on myself. I had a relationship that ended badly when I was young and I felt lonliness and sadness like I'd only experienced when my Gran died. I feel it has shaped my attitude towards relationships in a way I don't know how to change and that anytime I meet someone I feel like I'm destroying it before it can go anywhere because of the depth of fear I feel of it ending. It's difficult to explain because I have had two things end, badly. I have rebuilt and repaired but I don't know how to be more positive. I just feel panic and weepy and incredibly pathetic at the moment because there is someone in my life who I feel partly like I'm pushing away because of my own crazy stupid behaviour and at the same time, I'm so desperate not destroy this.
I feel like I have posted the most trivial problem ever in light of the things my family has gone through and also the issues others experience but I guess as they say, it was the straw that broke the camels back. I dont' know how to fix myself.