Today I came home, actually I didn't make it home before I got weepy and even during my lunch hour, I was tearful. I don't know why this is. I have rough ideas but I can't pinpoint for sure exactly what makes me sad.

I want to avoid taking anti-depressants and I have managed to do so for the past few years. I try to keep active and I have achieved quite a lot that I'm proud of.

I have always been disinclined to blog about my anxiety because I feel there are people out there who have far worse problems and have much more to worry about. And I will apologise now if in blogs to follow you feel I am taking up space someone else could use.

I have no way of determining what started this. I think even when I was really young, I had a distinct feeling of deep sadness quite often and no idea why. I haven't always constantly felt like this and different things set it off nowadays. Sometimes I can go out for drinks with friends and feel fine, sometimes I go out and have great nights and crash really badly the following night even though I never overdo it.

It usually passes, sometimes it lasts hardly anytime, sometimes longer. Sometimes I overact and freak out that I'm breaking apart and I'll never fix. I always seem to though.

My biggest fear has been a realisation of my inability to form relationships. I have a lot of very good friends. One of my best friends thinks I have incredibly low self esteem and that I'm stuck in a rut. She said it's like I don't think I deserve to be treated well or loved.

I've never in my life before felt as scared and lonely as I do now and it absolutely kills me to admit that. I always thought I'd be strong. I come from a big family and I've been encouraged to be as independent as possible, I've always seen my Mum as incredibly strong. We've had a lot to overcome as a family over the years. I think maybe we're all exhausted from having made it to the other side.

I think it's been a mixture of things. My brother suffers from psychosis. I feel almost like I'm scared that if I were to have children, I might bring a little person into the world who may suffer the same and when I see the torture my brother experiences, I would never want to inflict that on another human being. However, I don't think his condition is genetic, it's more the result of his lifestyle but no one is sure. I also worry a little person might suffer the same pangs of sadness I feel.

I also feel that I might have brought this on myself. I had a relationship that ended badly when I was young and I felt lonliness and sadness like I'd only experienced when my Gran died. I feel it has shaped my attitude towards relationships in a way I don't know how to change and that anytime I meet someone I feel like I'm destroying it before it can go anywhere because of the depth of fear I feel of it ending. It's difficult to explain because I have had two things end, badly. I have rebuilt and repaired but I don't know how to be more positive. I just feel panic and weepy and incredibly pathetic at the moment because there is someone in my life who I feel partly like I'm pushing away because of my own crazy stupid behaviour and at the same time, I'm so desperate not destroy this.

I feel like I have posted the most trivial problem ever in light of the things my family has gone through and also the issues others experience but I guess as they say, it was the straw that broke the camels back. I dont' know how to fix myself.


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6 Replies

  • Oh Mirth,

    First of all: Don't worry about blogging. :)

    It's unlimited and for everyone. However big or small their issues may be. Remember, there's always someone worse off AND there's always someone better off. But no problem is less important or less valid than the other. Your feelings are true and valid and you have a right to be listened too.

    Remember, that different things affect people in different ways, what may seem so small to one person could be a really difficult for someone else depending on their past experiences and who they are. You are doing the right thing, discussing your emotions.

    You are strong, you may not think or even feel it. But it's not always about feeling strong - to be strong isn't the absence of fear but the presence of faith. It's an emotion we all experience so every human being on this planet will go through different experiences where they feel vulnerable or weak, it's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Why, it's what makes us compassionate. Strength: It's facing up to your own personal challenges or demons - we all have something - but different things affect different people differently. Coming here and blogging about your anxieties was a challenge for you but something you faced head on, you should be proud of yourself for that because it shows great courage. True strength is able being able to cope with, fight with, accept and live with one's weaknesses. You are strong, that's why you were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.

    Your problems are not trivial AT ALL. And I can hear the pain between the words, I really can. With regards to the pangs of sadness, I think it's something we all go through, for me it's just a tiny 'hum' in the background and I think that's how it is for most people, even if they're not mentally ill. However, I am sensing it's more prominent for you and it's important we find out why this is. I heard somewhere that insanity isn't being broken, it's just you or me, amplified. Either that or, I suppose, everyone is broken and no one can be fixed - therefore, it's not about trying fix oneself, but instead learning to adapt. :)

    I'm glad that you've recognised your past relationship as being a problem. It sounds to me like the relationship played a big part in how you are feeling, I am guessing this person treated you in a way that caused you to feel bad about yourself and was a big influence in how you see yourself. I don't think it's something you've ever really got over, because it's something that you've not had closure for. You shouldn't blamed yourself, I'm sure hand on heart, that it was not your fault. And even if some of it was, it's in the past so you no longer need to feel guilt or take responsibility for whatever happened. You need to forgive yourself - easier said than done. But ask yourself, would you forgive anyone else if they were in your situation and dealt with in the same way as you? If it was your friend in this situation I'm sure you would be kind to her and support her. Because you have love for others as humans and therefore, you must have some love for yourself - however small it may be, because in order to know what love is, that's what we need. Some people are able to carry a strong sense because they grow up knowing that they are loved unconditionally and are able to develop a healthy sense of self worth. I'm sure you are loved very much, by a whole number of people. But I'm wondering because of all the things that you've had to deal with as a family, your Mum didn't have the chance to let you know this, so maybe you didn't grow up 'feeling' as loved as maybe you were in reality. Obviously, this is purely speculation, so tell me if I'm wrong. Regarding your Mum, I think almost everyone considers their Mum to be extra strong because they view their person through the eyes of the son or daughter - most of whom having been brought up by their mother and grown up to have them do almost anything for them. I know that your Mum would have felt all the things you are feeling, scared or lonely, possibly sometimes not able to cope. But she didn't let any of things show in front of their children. Please, don't use your Mum as a benchmark as how you should be. I'm sure she is a wonderful person as I'm sure you are too, but you both different people.

    I'm also wondering whether, maybe you were closer to your grandmother than you were than the rest of the family, and if, during her passing, you felt you lost a part of yourself.

    I don't have all the answers but I'm wondering whether you benefit from counselling in order to help you get to the bottom of your feelings so you can move forward to a brighter future. :) The good news is you seem to be recognising a lot of what's contributing to your emotions but maybe you could benefit from little bit of guidence. There's no shame in that at all. You can only review your own situation with subjectivity and through your own eyes, where you attribute a lot of the blame to yourself. A counsellor, however, is a lot more objective and may help you draw new conclusions, as he/she will be able to look at the situation from a different view point.

    Obviously you don't have to take anti depressents now but it's not something you need to rule out either. Many users on here take anti depressents and find them very helpful, so it might be worth just keeping it in the back of your mind. :) Your current condition could well be a good mixture of experiences and a genetic factor meaning you are more susceptible to depression with some kind of environmental trigger.

    But it doesn't mean you can't live a happy life. :) Depressed or anxious people are often the wisest, intuitive, and most compassionate people. As are you.

    Please let us know how you get on (I suppose your first port of call would be from your GP) take care and best wishes to you. I hope this has helped and, apologies in advance for any mistakes I may have made or anything that doesn't make sense in the writing - sorry, too for the length. I suppose I had a lot to say!

    Kindest regards,

    Fay :) xxxx

  • Hi mirth and welcome to the site, I haven't been on too long but its a lovely site full of lovely people, everyone matters and I find no problem is trivial here. I'm sorry your going through this, I really feel for you, sounds like you have an awful lot whizzing around your head, have you ever been to your g.p? If you don't want to take the medication route (many don't) maybe they can give you other options that are better suited to you maybe talking therapies, (my only experience is of cognital behaviour therapy.) I've also heard a lot of praise for self help books on here, maybe have a read of some blogs, to see if anything could be beneficial to you. For me the hardest thing is understanding my anxiety, I irrationally over think everything and cbt has helped me to question this and move forward, in the midst of it all. It has provided a little clarity that was so needed. I hope you find a some peace, I probably haven't been much help, but I just felt I wanted to say something. My apologies if others have given the same advice, took me ages to write this post, my baby has decided he doesn't want to sleep tonight:(

    My very best wishes to you,



  • Hi Eva

    You make some very good points and are very supportive. That's all anyone can ask. :) You're doing great.

    Take care :) xxxx

  • Hi fay, I hope your well today, thank you for your kind words, it genuinely means a lot. I went to bed last night to settle the baby because he was playing up:( ......oh the joys.......:)

    I was going to ask you though, if you would like to be my new therapist?.......please and thankyou:) I think you're much better at it than my current one! - true story:)

    Thanks again

    Best wishes



  • Hi mirth

    Dont be afraid of blogging on here,we are all sufferers at the end of the day regardless. Its a place for you to come and empty your thoughts and get advice. I too have been a sufferer for 20yrs and although i have been on anti depressants in the pass,im trying my best not to go back down that route. I go for good long walks and take calms to take the edge off. Hope your feeling alittle better.Remember blog away..we are listening. hugs xxxxx

  • Sorry to take so long to respond but the week has had ups and downs but I cannot say enough how overwhelmed and touched I was by your messages - many many thanks!

    I packed myself off to the GP first thing Thursday morning and got CBT info. Will keep you all posted, wouldn't have made it there had I not found this site. Cannot say thank you enough!

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