4 weeks ago I tried to commit suicide. My 7 year relationship had ended, my mum's 18 year relationship had ended (bitterly) and we didn't know if she would be able to keep the house. Among all this I was dealing with the usual unwanted attention of being a girl who others refer to as "ugly" or "manly" or who looks different (imagine being gawped at most places you went and having people snigger or make rude comments).
The first two weeks after attempting to take my own life I wasn't really sure I still wanted to live and spent at least the first 4 days in my own bubble of pain and loneliness. My family surrounded me with their love and support but I still just felt very much on my own. I had always dealt with the unwanted attention I get on my own by pretending it wasn't happening and ignoring it, so imagine what a shock it was for my family to hear all of the negative experiences I have had throughout my life that I had kept to myself.
They still don't think that it happens to me as often as I have told them it does, at first they didn't believe that it happened to me at all! This changed slightly after our window cleaners made cruel comments outside my window a week after my suicide attempt and when my sister confronted them about it they admitted it.
Strangely enough this helped me in one way as it proved to my family that it happened, but it still hurt! This is when I started to feel more determined to live despite all the negative people out there as my friends and family had been so very supportive and deserved better than for another family member (two of my cousins have committed suicide) to take their own lives.
Anyway, I have been off work for the past 4 weeks with anxiety and depression. My anti-depressants (Sertraline) are now starting to work, but it has been my shift in thinking that has helped the most. I was having intensive CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) from the Crisis Team for the first 3 weeks to try to change my way of thinking about the attention I get and work on my own self-esteem. I couldn't accept this to start with because I felt that because it is out of my control (the staring, comments etc) there wasn't any point in working on my thinking it should be everyone else that needs to change!!
I realized last week that this was the wrong way to look at my situation, but only after I had searched for some inspiration! I watched Channel 4's "Beauty and the beast, the ugly face of prejudice" and read about Lizzie Velasquez who has been cruelly labelled as the ugliest woman in the world! She has an undiagnosed syndrome that means she can't put on weight so only weighs around 60 pounds at the age of 23, she has distorted features and is blind in one eye. All of these people live happy, full and inspirational lives even through all of the negative attention and prejudice they face on a daily basis. They have learnt to love themselves no matter what anyone else thinks and not allow the opinions or actions of others define them. If you get the chance to watch "Beauty and the beast, the ugly face of prejudice" on 4OD you may notice that the people with facial disfigurement are more content and genuinely happy than the "beauty" as they have found inner beauty and happiness.
I am not saying that I am disfigured, I know I am very lucky not to be, and to be in full good health (specially after the suicide attempt) but I do suffer from similar attention due to my appearance. It makes me wonder whether people don't talk about getting this negative attention like I wasn't as I don't really think I'm that extremely different looking! I think there is a lot to be learnt from these inspirational people about how we go about our day to day lives and see ourselves and others.
It's still a struggle every day for me but I am feeling more determined every day to live my life no matter what anyone says. Lizzie is my main inspiration as in her books she states that the main way she gets by when people are staring or sniggering at her is to pray for them and forgive them. If people feel the need to be that cruel to someone over something they don't really have control over then they must be pretty unhappy themselves!
"Your time is limited; so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."
I know that not everyone on here has exactly the same issues as myself but the depression and anxiety is something that makes you want to become a hermit whether you look like Cheryl Cole or Gollum! I have found that deep breathing and meditation has helped alot, as well as just talking to anyone who will listen to me!!
I'm sure I will be back on here soon to update this as I have my first day back at work tomorrow!
Deep breaths!!
I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post this?
Hopefully some hopeful insights
Intrusive thoughts. 
