Does anybody feel anxiety around members of the opposite sex to the extent that they avoid them?

[robbin1]

[Jade2012]

no, not me anyway. sorry I know that's not much help but just wanted to say we all have our own anxieties and no doubt most of us will avoid them what ever they are!

[Hidden]

Hi robbin,

I used to feel awkward around the girls I was attracted to, and only anxious around the ones that were not right for me.

It didn't upset my ability to befriend those that were suitable though.

I did feel anxious once when a girl came onto me a bit too strongly, it sort of shocked me a bit, in hindsight, I should of gone with the flow.

Its funny really how some people instantly make us feel calm, and others do the exact opposite, I go with my instincts, then as I get to know someone, I can drop my guard if I think later they are ok.

Wishing you well

Baylienxxx

[robbin1 in reply to Hidden]

Afraid I get anxious around all women, especially those whom I believe are more attracted to me. I cannot go with my instincts because they are shut off by the anxiety.

Any tips on how to overcome this?

[Hidden]

Hi robbin,

This is just me, giving my humble opinion, I'm no expert, but I have lived 53 yrs lol.

I think your instinct is as you say, not being attracted to women that are attracted to you.

That might be a need in you to be in control, it certainly was in me initially.

Funny I'm now married to a very strong woman, although she is not forcefull at all.

I'm not sure of your age, and do you get anxiety in general or just in this situation.

bxxx

[robbin1]

Hi and thanks for yr reply.

I actually get anxiety in all sorts of social situations, such as going into shops, and almost any form of visual contact with a stranger. It can be awkward just having conversations - because I am not sure I am saying the right thing. I have been told I am quite blunt and this makes it worse because I am not aware of it.

I am 43 yrs of age and have experienced the problem since early teens. I am attracted to women but cannot reveal that to them..

[Hidden in reply to robbin1]

Hi robbin,

Its important to talk to your doctor about this as there are some great therapies, that you can be referred too. Its not heavy at all and I've found it does help.

Social anxiety for me has melted away on its own since I started letting things take their course, and trusting all will be well, whatever the outcome.

I found also being with a friend and practicing say the shop senarios helps, and here we can get practice, and practice is the key, its also ok sometimes to be a little blunt, that sounds like the anxiety too, and trying to get out the situation as it feels uncomfortable.

The eye contact thing, I started practicing on people I cared for at first, and I smile as we do it helps alot.

We all say things, who is to say what is right or wrong, see how judgement you are with yourself, I am too.

Here we can try being kind to ourselves, as it softens our outlook on all the aspects of social interaction.

Why can you not reveal your attracted to them?

Maybe if you could lower any expectation, and just talk for the sake of talking, with no preconcieved outcome. I just say high, smile, and walk on, its a good start

Bxxx

[robbin1 in reply to Hidden]

Hi, and thanks for yr feedback. In answer to yr question about why I cannot interact with women - even if I believe they like me - I suggest that it is to do with shame and guilt - i.e. Genesis and all that. That is what I think it is.. But I don't know how to get out of it. If you think sex is shameful, what are you to do about it?

[Hidden in reply to robbin1]

Hi robbin,

Ah, I did think about the religious angle, but thought not to mention it.

Are you still religious?

Bxxx

[robbin1 in reply to Hidden]

I was brought up Catholic but am not a believer anymore. However, the original guilt and shame still sticks. This must be why the anxiety is more acute when a girl likes me!..

Any tips on how to overcome this?

[Hidden in reply to robbin1]

Hi robbin,

I've been thinking about this one, and there's alot going on here, not just guilt, and shame.

Firstly SEX, yes I said that word, if done between two loving consenting adults, is an expression of their love for each other, and is a very beautiful thing, is it wrong of course its not.

Marriage, if we feel its appropriate, yes why not, but tie two birds together, they may have four wings but they cannot fly. Here, rules the YOU MUST ideas suffocate any pureness that could of come from this union. Here stems the posessive nature of some, you must love me, you must obey me, what a load of cobblers !!

Look into all this propaganda, and see it for what it is.

Sex out of marriage, why not, if its between consenting adults, here love for me at least, is important, but not necessary. Really whats the difference between marriage or not married.

I'll tell you, a controlling power, that wants you to be scared so they can manipulate you in every walk of life.

On my wedding day, did anything change ? not one bit. except I was a lot lighter in my pocket, i can tell you that. I still loved my wife the same as I did before, and that should be good enough for anyone. The ceremony was nice and after, but it didnt change how we were with each other at all.

Lust can come into this a little, and why not, love, lust, its a confusing mess and we are not gods supposed to identify every minute thing, untill perfection is attained, we wouldn't be able to move if that was the case. We are just humans, struggling for some happiness in this life.

Where did these ideas come from, its usually our parents/piers. As we grow up they influence us far more than a religion could ever do, unless the parents are so into that religion and they impose it on their children.

Here, I think councilling is good, to teach us how we can replace our outdated ways of coping in this world, and replace them with truthfull ways. I found EMDR which deals with trauma very good at helping here.

The way to overcome ideologies that are not helpfull is to look at it in a honest truthfull scientific way, and smash it to pieces.

In any relationship, love is at its centre,

I would look to forming relationships slowly with another as friends first, not expecting or pushing anything away, and let things take a natural course.

Generally, it is our needs our wants that add all these stresses to a relationship, and indeed daily life, so we could reduce our needs, our wants and just appreciate things as they are. By doing this it allows us to be ourselves, and we open up more.

We are who we are, and that usually turns out to be much more than we think we are.

I would treat this in the same way as we do any anxiety situation, by facing this headon, without trying to fight it, accepting that the thoughts are there, but they are just thoughts, and not try to run away from them, accept them and OBSERVE them as they float past our attention, and let time pass.

So in short the way to deal with irrational thought is by allowing them in, by not fighting or running, we do nothing, to increase its importance, it is a thought and that thought will be replaced with many other thoughts.

But these thoughts are not all of us, we accept them and take responsibility for them, because they are made in our heads, however we dont need to ACT upon them.

I like to look upon thoughts as clouds floating by in our minds attention, we dont interfere in their passage, we just observe.

When we truely care for another person, love will smash through these horrible ideas, love is the most powerful thing we have, I find loving kindness is one thing I nurture to help in all situations, and its good stuff.

Take what you find usefull from these things, and disguard the rest, here's a link to how to cultivate loving kindness; if you are anything like me, guilt ocours here to. Like, I dont deserve to be loved, this is silly, and here again are our old coping ways, but we know they dont blooming work, they are making us unhappy so we do something that will allow us to be happy.

Here's a link, give it a go, if you feel silly, and I do too sometimes, tell yourself that its to make us feel better about ourselves.

wildmind.org/blogs/on-pract...

Ok, I'm babling here, lol, please disagree with anything I've said, so we can discuss it and learn together, the rights and wrongs of relationships.

Wishing you well

Baylienxxx

[robbin1 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for yr answer, but it's all tosh as far as I'm concerned. I don't mean that to be rude, but it's not what I'm looking for.

I am not really seeking love, just lust, and I feel ashamed of this. This is my problem. Most people just get on with it, but I am stuck by some paralysis and the only thing I know how to treat this is cannabis - but this only worked once and has no effect on me now!

I am the sort of guy who will feel frigid if a woman acts in a sexy way to him, cannot act, cannot move, cannot do anything.

I guess a lot of people feel this in some way but in me it is very acute. I don't know if it is to do with parental up-bringing, but it may be. The only thing I can think of is if I am ashamed, but I am not even sure of this. It may be lack of confidence as well.

Just interested in whether others recognise this anxiety or if they have any practical tips or suggestions.

No, it's not a need to be loved or anything like that. Thanks for your answer!

[Hidden in reply to robbin1]

Hi robbin,

Thats fine mate,

I think any suppression of lust, love, whatever we call it will, cause, disruption in our minds.

And thats why I tried to explain how the minds works, in causing the anxiety.

We cant fight ourselves, we cant run from our thoughts, or fight them, as if we do, anxiety is caused.

I'd certainly think about talking with a professional as they have the methods to deal with this specific area best.

I do think though that when we care for someone deeply lust is not such an important thing, as we love them more.

If you dont want to love someone, there's an issue in itself, and maybe whats causing the sexual anxiety in the first place.

Anyway hope you can get some help here.

All the best

Bxxx