So after being on a waiting list for a couple of months I finally had a consultation for me to begin CBT. Some interesting things popped up that I had never thought about before... I know that a lot of my anxiety stems from my grandmother and the way she treats me - basically I've been doing everything for her since my mum (her daughter) died 12 years ago. And no matter how much I do for her or how much of my time I put into helping her, it's never good enough. Anyway to cut a long story short.. my CBT therapist suggested that a huge part of my self-esteem issues are down to her and the way she treats me... (I know that sounds pretty obvious from the outside but I'd never really realised how bad things were.) And that maybe she has become the "voice" in my head that tells me how rubbish I am at everything, no matter what I achieve!!
So this might not sound like much but it was a bit of a breakthrough for me, to finally realise just how I've been treated like crap for so many years. However, even knowing this, I had a huge row with her on Friday, and I knew I was in the right and it was just her being a total cow... and yet I couldn't stop crying all evening. I know this sounds harsh but I can't even begin to describe the way I've been treated all these years and I actually just want to cut the ties and be done with her, (she is soon moving 70 miles away to live near my uncle, so she'll be his problem, finally!!) and yet I'm still letting her get to me. I just want to get to the stage where I can walk away without feeling guilty. Half the reason I've done so much for her (even though the rest of the family haven't bothered with her) is that I know I'd feel guilty if I didn't help her. But I can tell you now that NO-ONE in the family has been there for me, even when my mum died I was kind of left to get on with things.
Anyway this is probably a really rambling blog but I just felt that a few pennies had finally dropped in my head...I'm not really sure why it's taken so long for me to realise all of this but maybe now I can be kinder to myself. I have worked bloody hard to get where I am, I ditched a secure career to go back to studying in order to get to my dream job, all of this despite her crappy comments and my anxiety issues. So now I just need to figure out how to stop letting her nasty comments and manipulative ways get to me... suggestions welcome!!!