For the past 5 years I've been in an abusive relationship. The abuse was primarily emotional and verbal, and there were a few instances of physical abuse. It's been very difficult to get out and find support, though, because it was mostly emotional and verbal. People tend to not believe it when you don't have bruises. To be honest, I'd rather be physically hurt, as those things heal faster. It's extremely difficult to heal from someone making me feel small, insignificant, like I do nothing right, etc. I got so mentally beaten down that I just didn't have it in me anymore to try to fight my way out.
She isolated me over the 5 years, and I just felt trapped. She got me to sell my car back in 2020 by telling me we couldn't afford the insurance for 3 cars, and that I could just drive her secondary vehicle. Then as soon as mine was sold, she sold her secondary vehicle and wouldn't allow me to drive her car. I don't have any family, as they disowned me when I came out as a lesbian back in 2012. So it was easy for her to keep me under her thumb once I was unable to leave. I don't know anyone else where I live. I moved here after I met her to be with her. Covid lockdowns happened right after I moved, and then when things started to reopen, she didn't let me do anything social to make friends. The friends that I do have who live out of state stopped talking to me because they didn't want to deal with her or her drama. She would often go through my phone and tablet, and then message my friends accusing them of ridiculous things. I can't blame them for refusing to deal with that. It just escalated over time to the point that she put security cameras all over the house for no other reason than to watch me and prevent me from trying to leave.
In desperation, I made a report to social services because I'm disabled. I put in it that I felt trapped and financially manipulated. My SSDI income was paying her bills every month, so I couldn't come up with money to leave. A social worker came to talk to me, and they asked her to go outside while we talked. Then I felt like I couldn't tell the truth because the camera in that room swiveled to point directly where the social worker and I were. I knew she was sitting outside, watching on the camera. So I lied to get her to just leave. I contacted her via text after she left, and I told her why I couldn't talk about it. She told me she wouldn't be able to get me out right then anyways, so that was probably the best choice to protect myself. She did try to find me shelter or temporary housing, but there's only 1 shelter in this area. They didn't have space and they haven't had space for 3 years. The housing authority hasn't even been accepting applications for the wait list the entire time I've lived here. This area is not the place to be if you need help from public assistance. It's very...republican. What I mean is, if you try to get help, the general response is, "you have to help yourself. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps." I don't know what bootstraps I'm supposed to use. I have a physical disability, and I only get $1030 per month after my medicare premiums. I guess I'm supposed to conjure more money out of thin air?
But, back to the issue at hand. It got to a point that she was refusing to take me to my doctor appointments, forcing me to do all the housework for her and her mother, and her mother started enabling her and even joining in the abuse. I still can't understand that at all. But, her mom started making me do her laundry, clean her areas of the house, and cook for her. I was berated if I didn't do something fast enough for her or to her satisfaction. And then my former partner said to me that she didn't want to hear the sound of my voice. She didn't want me to speak to her at all unless I wanted to talk about her and her emotions and how I hurt her by not doing some things she wanted me to and not handling all of her tasks for her. I lost it at that point. I absolutely lost my shit. I don't think that was inappropriate given the way I was being treated. I tried to get help from the police. I told them everything that was being done to me. I showed them pictures from the times when she had hit me. One of those times, she broke my glasses. I had those glasses, and a picture of my eye when it happened. Unfortunately, I didn't know her mother had connections in the local police department and court system. I knew her mom was a paralegal for a local lawyer, but I didn't equate that to having an ability to get the police to do corrupt things. I also didn't know that this town has a long record of corruption. The former sheriff was federally indicted for a lot of very foul things. So I didn't expect the police to arrest me on false charges when I was trying to get help to just get out of the situation.
They did arrest me though. Not only was I arrested, but they slammed me on the ground hitting my head on the cement, and I had a stroke. I take blood thinners due to a genetic clotting disorder. I spent the first 2 weeks of my incarceration in the hospital 2 hours away. They kept me chained to the bed and wouldn't let me do the physical therapy. The hospital told them I needed to go to a physical rehab facility, and the sheriff told them if I wanted to go to one of those facilities I could post bond because they weren't going to pay for that. They took me from the hospital to the jail and promised the hospital that they would assist me in walking and toileting, but they didn't. They actually put me in a solitary cell wearing what they called a "suicide gown". It's basically a heavy blanket made into a dress. I wasn't suicidal, so it was unnecessary. They wouldn't give me a walker or any assistance. I was told I would be punished if I accidentally peed in the bed, and that I better figure it out. So, I crawled to the toilet. I was stuck there for 2 months, during which time my ex spent my social security check each month, sold my phone and ipad, and sent me messages through the jails system where people can pay to communicate with inmates telling me that if I just stopped trying to leave her and "hurting" her by refusing to do some things she wanted me to do, then she could get me out.
I really felt like I didn't have a choice but to stay with her. I didn't know what else to do given that I couldn't find any help, and the police just assisted in abusing me further. The only thing that was a small beacon of light in the situation, was that it was a condition of my bond that I couldn't live at her house. I found a crappy studio apartment with a slumlord for a landlord, but it honestly seems like a palace compared to living with her and her mother. Their house is almost 6000 square feet. It's huge, but it was a prison for me. I'll take my single room that serves as bedroom, kitchen, and living room and my tiny bathroom. The rent takes 70% of my income, but I can live with that too. I have enough to get necessities. I usually have enough to get groceries for the month. Sometimes I have to ration my food and eat 1 meal a day, but it's still better than dealing with constant emotional torture.
At first, I was afraid this place would become a prison too, but thankfully my ex took care of that with her attitude and craziness. She texted my landlord and tried to get him to give her the rent I paid and evict me. She lied to him and said that I had stolen money from her to pay rent, but he knew she doesn't have a job or means of income. So he told her no and she needed to not text him again. He asked me the next day what her problem was, and I didn't even know that she had texted him. He showed it to me, and I told him the truth. She wanted me to give her money for gas, cigarettes, and weed. I told her I couldn't. I had just paid the rent, and I only had 300 dollars for the month for groceries and toiletries. She can't stand to be told no, so apparently, she tried to get my rent money and have me evicted. She didn't care that I didn't have anywhere else to go. So the landlord told her she had to leave and wasn't allowed back on the property.
She keeps trying to challenge it, and shows up here demanding I let her in. The landlord always makes her leave. Now she's resorting to threats of having me falsely arrested again, and she's stalking me. She parks at the business across from my apartment building, and she sits for hours staring at her phone. I'm assuming she's using the zoom function on the camera kinda like binoculars. I called the cops about it, and they said it's not illegal for her to park at a business near my house. I don't know who to go to about the corrupt practices of the police. I can't report it at their department at all. I really think it would result in more crap being done to me. I can't leave this town without a vehicle or a place to go. It's just so frustrating. I've actually started having night terrors. Like getting out of bed in my sleep and it looks like I'm acting out my nightmares or something. I have a security camera after all that's happened to just make sure it's documented if she tries to do something else to me. I saw it on my camera, and it scared the shit out of me. I've never been a sleepwalker. I was definitely asleep though and walking around this tiny apartment screaming. I'm surprised nobody called the cops, but idk if anybody heard me. This is a cinderblock building, and I've never heard my neighbors. I just don't know how to deal with this level of stress though. 🤯
I finally stood up for myself!
21:11 Sun, 7 July 2024
Unsure about whether to go non-contact with my mum
Finally found a home. Grateful for HU!
