I was sleeping till late, grandma called me and told me she's back from the UK and dad's in the stepmother's village. I'm scared i made him and sis argue about my job and sis was the thing keeping him in our original city. Damn woman she can't live without her moldy village.I'm trying not to curse when im triggered because social media is all i have and I'm getting triggered and letting it out because otherwise it makes me sick and that advanced AI is so fast to register and so cold to not mind that if i don't let it out, i get sick, and it bans me. I can't lose my accounts. And don't tell me to mind my language and calm down as it will invalidate my experience and make me even madder. Forget the AI, the problem is my dad. I'm trying to think he's there only to avoid grandma and uncle (uncle who took his side) or make some money or on a vacation.
Holy iiggygbkifvddfvbiugvbjjgvddfgb
I want to scream
I will never recover
And as it gets worse nobody would sympathyse with me. Only see me as the monster. I am becoming a monster. But it's not my fault, i tried everything. I not only seeked help, i shouted, begged, cried, sold myself, gave my heart, studied, payed for help.
"Why are still in disstress? You aren't there?" Grandma and dad said. "It depends on you"
No you f-d my fing brain. A brain that was brilliant and kind. And everyone takes your side. I am allowed to be angry. It's normal to be angry. Medicate me till you can manipulate me.
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Against_the_current
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I can't calm down. My ibs flare up, my head hurts and spasms, my heart is aching. And that's the best part. The worst is the thoughts that dad was staying in our city because of sis and because of me they might have argued and that he left and is now in stepmothers town...ahem village. I hope he's just there to avoid the visit of his brother
I'm confused. I thought your grandmother was sick and that the two of you were going to seek treatment together. I don't understand about the village versus the city. i think I must have missed some posts in which you discussed these things. Why is it a problem if your dad visits another town? You don't have to explain further if it will upset you more. I'm just tring to understand why you're upset.
Because dad went to stepmother's place. I'm afraid she will lure him out of sis' city. And im afraid if they had a fight because of me, i was so anxious and mad at sis for telling him. Him wanting to be with sis was why he refused to move out three years ago. I don't want to have ruined it. Damn, i got triggered remembering how i messed up. And probably going with grandma to a sanatorium where old people treat their bone problems and neurosis but it's in july. I'm so damn overwhelmed. I can't book doctors myself. Im having terrible ibs rn and my belly hurts so much i want to cry. Can't my family, teachs, friends, society understand i can't fricking function? My body and mind are dying. I booked a doctor's visit even though im broke and after i booked it i found out that doctor is my unimate's doctor but again nobody replied to me (i mean from university people) when i needed help.
Sorry if i sound nervous, just i can't function on a daily basis and everything is Overwhelming. I can't even eat and sleep normally, what comes to booking docs and telling them i have some physical problems and they asking if im doing something wrong. I can't buy food without feeling dizzy and overwhelmed and dissosiated. I feel like I mess up everything. Idk how to explain to my family. When i tried explaining to Grandma why im shouting to her at the phone, she decided to go. And now what i have to book it. I feel like a psychopath vegetable - absolutely disfunctional and frustrated and afraid of exploding. But keeping these emotions in, because nobody understands, got my guts to explode litterary
You do need help and support and have for a long time now. The sanatorium doesn't sound like EXACTLY the right place for you, but you never know. Sometimes we get the help we need from the most unexpected places. And doctors who work with older people often have training in helping people regulate their emotions. This might also be a chance for you to have health care professionals explain to your grandmother about your travails and find ways to make your relationship with her more functional.
I don't understand why it's so bad if your father does move. How far away is this other town? Your sister is almost an adult now, right? How much does she depend on having your father in the same town? Won't your dad have to stay fairly close because of his practice? Are you the one who needs him to be close? I'm contending with a lot of fatigue and brain fog these days; I'm sorry that I'm not understanding you as well as possible. I don't want to upset you, so ignore my questions if they're intrusive.
I have insane brain fog and fatigue rn. I guess there's no better options rn for healing. And I just hope he doesn't move and at least his job keeps him. Im scared of sis getting old. Also im old and I still need him
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