Happy Late New Years everyone.

[Shutterbug65]

I just wanted to take a few moments to thank all those who have responded to my messages with kindness, support, and most of all for being truthful by telling me basically that I need to change myself. Even if it’s just a little change, anything to get me moving in the right direction. But sadly nothing has changed. I still wake up with a head full of worries, sometimes I pace around my house talking to myself, pleading for god, anybody to help me. This is mostly on the weekends when I have a whole day by myself. The weekdays aren’t as bad, I can focus on getting ready for work and seeing my co workers whom I’m mostly friendly with. I really am this alone, no close family or friends and it’s taken its toll on me. I’m finding it more difficult to take care of myself, especially finding the motivation to do things around the house.

Well anyway thank you again, even to all those who didn’t reply but read my post. I just want to know that I’m not alone. I’m scared guys, another year is upon us and I don’t see how it will be any different than the last. Unless I make a change, even a small one.

Happy New Year everyone. 🥳🎊

[ma65]

Hi shutterbug65, i can relate to alot of what you say your not alone.👋

[Shutterbug65 in reply to ma65]

Thank you

[Hidden]

You are not alone Shutterbug! We are here. We hear you <3 I go through the same thing. There was a time that I would need to sleep with the lights on because of my panic attacks. Waking up in the middle of the night in complete darkness was terrifying. I couldn't sit still for long periods of time. I would turn the TV on just to have the background sound. Pretending I wasn't alone. That someone was in the house with me. Try the breathing trick. It does help a lot

[Shutterbug65 in reply to Hidden]

Every single morning is like this for me. My anxiety peaks and I can’t focus on anything, I walk around from here to there, talking to myself. It’s actually worse on the weekends I guess because I have nothing to look forward to, most of the time anyway. And being alone in my head is scary. On the weekdays I know I have certain things to do to ready myself to go out the door. I really think that one day I’ll end up in a mental hospital. I just seem to worry about everything, I’m on the constant treadmill of catastrophic thinking.

What are this breathing trick you mentioned.

Thank you. Don

[Hidden in reply to Shutterbug65]

Hi Don. So sorry that it took so long for me to respond I hope you are doing better. I woke up the exact same way this morning. I opened my eyes and realized I was in full blown panic attack. Opened the blinds. Walked from room to room. I know it's hard. The breathing trick is simple. Take a deep breath through your nose. Hold for a few seconds, pucker your lips and breath out through your mouth. Sometimes with a full blown attack, you can't hold your breath. Just breath deeply. Do it until you feel a bit calmer. And drink a lot of water. When I'm having an attack, I drink a whole glass of water in one shot. It forces my body to concentrate on that one task. It helps a little. Have you seen anyone? Consulted? It does help. And maybe some meds but you need to see someone for that. By the way, again, thankfully I have this site. It's one of my first reactions when I'm panicking. I log on and see you all here and feel less alone. Makes it feel manageable. Let me know how you're doing <3

[Shutterbug65 in reply to Hidden]

Hi thank you for your help. My life feels like it’s in a tail spin. All it takes is one thing to go wrong. I have a lot of problems and I’m scared. I see a phychiatrist for meds. Xanax XR and generic for Luvox. I also take Doxepin at bedtime to help with sleep. I’m tired of taking them. I don’t see a therapist I can’t afford it. My insurance copay is to much to pay for that each week. Thank you for the breathing tip. I’m just scared and I don’t know where to turn to anymore. My life feels so disorganized. God please help me.

[Hidden in reply to Shutterbug65]

Hi Shutter. But you have taken steps already to help yourself and I commend you! Don't get me started on insurance companies! I've recently started looking into more natural solutions to medication as I don't react well to meds. They actually make me feel worse. Lethargic. Slow. Exhausted. Especially the sleeping pills My family doctor suggested that I should give myself goals. Small goals. Goals that are attainable. It helps with that tailspin feeling. Taking a small measure of control. And exercise. It helps the hormone levels (endorphins, serotonin, dopamine) which make us feel happier. Right now, in my case, I have explosions of anger. I can't control it. I try. I give myself pep talks. I ask myself why I'm so angry. This helps simply because it forces me to stop the spiral. Don't give up. I'm here for you

[Shutterbug65 in reply to Hidden]

I want to give up. I’m scared of being alone. Why can’t I be normal? I never do anything to help myself. I used to enjoy being in my house, now I can’t stand being here.

[Hidden in reply to Shutterbug65]

I would normally ask what is normal but I know what you mean. Don't give up. You will get through this. It will get easier. Go take short walks around the block. I had a friend that couldn't stay home. He just couldn't be inside. So he took his camera and walked around the city. At one point in my life I just didn't want to be here anymore. I felt like you did. Eventually it got manageable. Now I have moments of extreme anxiety and depression instead of all the time. I can only assume it'll keep on getting better or I'll be able to handle it better and just keep on going. Please don't give up <3

[Shutterbug65 in reply to Hidden]

Thant’s what I do, I hate being inside the house. I often go to NYC with my camera and walk around, discovering new and interesting things, at these moments I’m able to let go of my anxiety and depression. And I post them on Instagram. But it doesn’t last, I know it’s waiting for me, and the next morning I’ll wake up with horrible anxiety, fear about being alone and worried about my future. What will happen to me if I can’t take care of myself. There are so many that need to be done around my place and I just block them out, by doing so I get nothing accomplished.

I don’t want to give up but sometimes I think it’s a good alternative. So now it’s another day, another day at my boring job but atleast my co workers are nice, (most anyway) lol. It’s the only time I get to spend around people.

Take care of yourself and thank you so much for your words of encouragement.

[Hidden in reply to Shutterbug65]

I know, I worry about being alone and about my future all the time. It makes me so anxious. You are lucky to be close to NYC and be able to just pop over and spend the day. So much to see and experience. Please don't give up. It will get better or at least manageable. And, like you, so much to do around my place as well. Sometimes I'm just unable to function. Last week I gave myself a project. Paint my extra bedroom and rent it out. It took me 4 days to just paint one room. But I did it. For about a day I felt like I had accomplished something. Luckily right after that I went back to work (holiday break) so now I'm throwing myself into work to avoid thinking. Then I get home at night and the anxiety starts up again. I'm seeing a pattern. Dear Shutter, again, please don't give up. We're here. You are not alone!

[Shutterbug65 in reply to Hidden]

I wish I was as motivated as you.

[Hidden in reply to Shutterbug65]

Everyone needs to go at their own pace. I don't know how long you've been feeling this way but my depression and anxiety started in 2010 I think. I've learned a few tricks over the 8 years that I've been feeling this way. It's not always like this. I can go for months, even years, feeling functional and then boom it hits me again. Each time I have to try and remember the tricks. It will get better or at least manageable. Never give up