Greetings... another newbie here.

[Sienka]

Unfortunately, I'm not new to depression. I've wrestled with it the majority of my life. In my younger years, depression spread across my days like big, bold strokes of a sharpie... dark ugliness that seemed never ending. As years have passed, it feels like it's leveled out... more like pencil, with various shades of grey, but ever present. Like functional depression, with a side of anxiety thrown in.

I was never able to picture a life beyond 30. But I wasn't able to follow through with my plan to end things. So every day that stretches before me is sort of aimless, without any real dream or direction. I feel terrible just waiting out the clock when there are so many people who would use that time much more admirably.

I fear I'm about to lose my 18 year old girl cat. We lost her brother coming up on a year now. I'm so scared of how I'm going to handle the loss and being left alone. I don't have any close friends, no one I can really talk to. My cousin directed me here because she thought it might help me vent.

I've considered keeping a journal, as well as starting to search for a therapist. I just don't know what, if anything, might help.

At any rate, thank you for allowing me to ramble...

[Lifesearching]

You are worthy of happiness no matter your past💙I remember a couple year ago when I battled with panick attacks and anxiety🥺plus suicidal thoughts. But even if it’s a day by day process I know you’re going to make it🙏🏽🌸is there a hobby that brings you a lot of joy regardless of if you get paid for it? Or just little daily small nice things you can do for yourself? Even if it’s just getting a cup of coffee that always boosts my mood if I’m feeling depressed. Been crying for no reason this whole week🥺that’s so scary to think of losing another cat baby, we are here for you🙏🏽

[Sienka in reply to Lifesearching]

Thank you for the support. Unfortunately, not much in life brings joy these days, but I'm sure it'll cycle through event. It's just taking its sweet time right now.

[GinkgoLeaf]

Hi Sienka - welcome to the group and so sorry you are suffering. I loved your metaphor about pencil. Similarly, I lost my dog about six months ago and it was very sudden. Pets are such important members of our life and I’m sorry you are going through that. The mental health journey is tough and you’ve made progress, which is so so important. One quote that helps me a lot when the mental health journey is challenging (I suffer from anxiety and depression too) is this one from David Lynch. It’s in reference to creativity, but I think it’s applicable to any life challenge: “Ideas are like fish. If you want to catch little fish, you can stay in the shallow water. But if you want to catch the big fish, you’ve got to go deeper. Down deep, the fish are more powerful and more pure.They’re huge and abstract. And they’re very beautiful.” Many people stay in the shallow water. For true progress on our mental health journey, we have to go deep. And it’s scary and really hard. But the payoff is beautiful. Separately, a regular appointment with a therapist can be really helpful for processing these feelings. Best of luck on your journey!

[Sienka in reply to GinkgoLeaf]

Thank you for your words and quote. I'll keep them in mind when I'm working up the courage to go deep!

[LazyXrayEyes2255]

Hi and welcome to HealthUnlocked and sorry about your cat!!

[Sienka in reply to LazyXrayEyes2255]

Thank you