I'm sick of begging for basic needs

[SophiaPetrillo]

I started a relationship with a man late last summer. At the time he expressed to me that he was newly divorced a few months. Well, approximately 3 month after we started dating his ex-wife decided to reopen the divorce and request temporary spousal support. It has been an absolute emotional roller coaster.

Since that happened my boyfriend and I stopped dating/courting. Don't get me wrong. He did nice things for me, but we no longer went anywhere or explored the other's interests. He became moody and at times a real grinch. I felt like we've been in survival mode (both of us). I noticed that it's hard for him to show affection and so I've tried to be patient with him in that area. He has experienced so many shifts since it has started that it has left me censoring myself sometimes when he comes to my basic needs. So I try to split conversations up and not bombard him because I know he's already struggling emotionally.

The divorce was final in February of 2024 and in her home state, she was able to reopen it within 6 months. The backstory of it all: There was a business that he owned and she worked there as an employee. However, in her home state she asserted herself as a business owner of said business and apparently in her home state she can claim some of the assets even if she contributed no funds; and none of the business were ever in her name.

My boyfriend was still assisting her financially (paying her a salary) as she was still working in the business. The business was losing money he had given her notice in the spring that he will be pulling his money out of it at the end of the year because of that. He followed up in the summer and fall with the same heads up. He gave her suggestions on what she could do to prepare. He was willing to help her transition and I was ok with that.

Well, unbeknownst to me she tries to come and see him in our state and ask about going to him taking her to a football game. He replied to her that she couldn't come see him when she inquired as he had a new girlfriend. I started learning more about her and quickly assessed she was a gold digger and that she had also previously done this to her first husband. She expressed to my now boyfriend (when they were dating) that she wanted to be taken out of work and she wanted all of her bills paid 100%.

However, she appeared to like the attention she received from the "pretend" owner of the business he erected.

Fast-forward - He's served with court papers in our state shortly thereafter. A few months later he found that she acquired a new business lease to open up her own spot. That was a secret and she didn't intend for him to find it out. Prior to her doing this he offered her three different monetary options and she declined them all.

Now as of February 2025 she asked the court for $40,000 even though they were only married 18 months at the time the divorce went through the first time. She told the court she is in financial duress. When he met her, all of her monthly bills amounted to approximately $1,200 and now she's requesting $3,500 a month for a year after only being married to him for 18 months. The judge hasn't ruled yet and the exwife hasn't proven the need either.

I have tried very hard to be supportive to him during this time. He has a lot going on but I feel like I'm fighting for my basic needs. He had an emotional response yesterday and said to me that he feels like I am always acting as if he doesn't do anything right and that I might be better off finding someone else that can better suit my needs. He also stated that he is stretched too thin and can't take any more stress.

This morning I woke up and told him I had a goal of building a mutually supportive and collaborative safe space for both of us but if that is truly how he feels - I have no choice other than to respect his decision to break up with me. He replied that he had a goal of building with me. I really didn't know what to say other than "If you want to talk about it. I'm here" because I've listened to him vent about the situation with the ex-wife for hours. So I feel censored and triggered when I'm expressing my basic needs and it upsets him. He has a dimissive avoidant attachment style. I have an anxious avoidant attachment style. So initially I'm trying to get to the bottom of things but once I feel rejected I back off completely.

So when he called this evening he didn't talk about that at all. He instead made small talk with me. I'm so over feeling like I'm begging people to do for me what I naturally do for them. But the empathetic side of me is like maybe you should work on your patience a bit more.

But NO - I won't apologize for advocating for my basic needs.

Which after this long post was me expressing the need to continue courting and dating each other so we continue learning each other in order to grow as a couple.

[worthytobeloved]

OMG - what an awful situation to be in. That ex-wife sounds horrible, and it seems so unfair. Your boyfriend sounds like a really good man, and the fact that you are still together shows your relationship is strong. I wish I had advice to give and to help you, but I don't unfortunately. All I can say is, if you feel he is the special one for you and that you'd be devastated if you lost him, then stick with it. Continue to tell him how you feel, though. My hope is that the courts and law will prevent that woman for doing any further damage. Stay strong, if you can - you and your boyfriend are two good people. xxx

[GreenGrass24]

Your feelings are completely valid, and I admire how much patience and empathy you’ve shown throughout this incredibly difficult situation. It’s clear you’ve been putting in so much effort to support him while also trying to maintain a healthy relationship — that’s not easy.

It sounds like you're feeling stuck between being understanding and standing up for your own needs. While it's great to be patient during stressful times, relationships can’t thrive when one person’s emotional needs are constantly being sidelined. Asking for continued connection and quality time isn’t unreasonable — it’s essential for a healthy partnership.

I think you handled the conversation well by calmly expressing your goal for the relationship and giving him space to reflect. His small talk afterward may have been his way of staying connected without diving into heavy emotions — but it’s still important that your needs are heard.

You shouldn’t have to feel like you’re begging for the care and attention you deserve. There’s a difference between patience and self-sacrifice, and you deserve a relationship where you feel valued and supported too.

Trust yourself — you’ve shown so much strength and kindness already. 💙