hi. For a few years my husband and I have been on this roller coaster with alcohol. He is the one with the problem. When it comes to the matter, we were raised differently. I was raised in an alcohol free household. Never saw my parents drunk and never saw anyone from my extended family drunk. No one drinks, period. His family is the opposite. Anyways when we got married I saw he had an issue which led to a few very bad fights . I threatened to leave if he didn't change. Throughout the years he's gained my trust. He does not drink nearly as much and I have given him lenience. The problem is, he has abused it. Last time we had a big fight because he told me he had x amounts of beers when in fact he had more. This whole alcohol problem is a big deal to me and he knows it. Now last night he went to a hockey game with guys at work. He kissed me goodbye and told he'd behave. 10:30 pm I ask where he is and he says he's almost home but he never called me ( he alsway calls me on the way home ) I knew it seemed fishy. He walks in smelling like a pint of beer, he has a water bottle in his hand and it's visibly intoxicated. He lies to me and goes to bed. Seriously I don't know what to do. We've had long conversations about it for years and we have fought about it too, the whole thing has caused us great pain. He knows how deeply it hurts me and I feel deeply disrespected. I hate the fact that he has the ability to look me in the eyes and lie about the amount he had. Clearly he had waaaay more than he claims. My patience is wearing thin. He keeps breaking my trust and I feel like the bad guy for keeping him in a " tight leash" . But honestly I don't know. I want his decisions to be his, but he keeps disappointing me over and over again. What to do now? My stomach is in a knot and I feel betrayed. Haven't slept all night.
alcohol : hi. For a few years my... - Anxiety and Depre...
alcohol
this sounds awful🥺I’m so sorry you are experiencing this level of stress. I wish I could help more. Is there maybe a trusted friend or therapist you can talk to? Maybe couples therapy?
I actually grew up with an alcoholic parent. I moved out when I was 18. I’m 32 now and I understand the pain of an alcoholic who is not changing their behavior. I’ve spoken with an alcoholic many times in my life🥺staying calm and agreeing with what they say has been the safest route because you don’t want to upset them more, it’s super scary these types of people especially if it’s someone you love.
And on that note you deserve to feel safe in your relationship. I would not want to sway you either way because you know that relationship better than anyone. That makes me sad like he abused that trust you gave him to stop.
I just remembered Alcoholics Anonymous, it’s a name I heard listening to an old Louise Hay podcast. I used to listen to her a lot and just remembered her name for some reason..I’m not sure if it would help to check it out?🙏🏽if that doesn’t work maybe there are more resources related to it that can lead you to the right person?🙏🏽🙏🏽
coming from someone who was married to an alcoholic, he lies because it’s easier than arguing about it. He has an addiction period. Nothing will change that if he doesn’t get help. You are young, imagine spending the next 30 years dealing with this day in and day out. My advice is give him an ultimatum.
I think I agree with this. I am always a fan of couples sticking together, but there always has to be a limit. I would always try couples therapy and there you could evaluate what matters more, staying together, being free of alcohol for him, or what...
I agree if he is willing to go to therapy that's great. My ex told the therapist straight out. He didn't have a problem, I did. The therapist told him if that was his attitude therapy was a waste of time. He told me, if he doesn't see he has a problem he will never quit drinking and if he did for any length of time, he would blame me that he couldn't drink. But if he is willing to go with an open mind that would be great for both of you. best of luck
Mandy,
You might want to give this podcast a listen. Mel Robbins Let Them theory. I think it might help you out.
Wow. Mandy and others I'm understanding what you are experiencing, as am I. He has reduced his drinking substantially, but now and then, goes on a binge. In between his binge drinking, he turns to Listerine. Between the alcohol of wine, beer, or whiskey, and Listerine, his insides must be pickled, let alone his normal brain function. He will go through 1.5 Liters of Listerine in a day. He is so depressive, and just wants to lay around all day and watch TV. He has lost interest in his life. I am seeing a therapist twice a week to work through this. I don't mind his drinking, but there is a point his anger comes flying out at me. Counselor said I need to make a decision and it can be a tough one to make, because once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. The arguments are attroshish and belittling to us both. One of the reply was to just agree to avoid a fight. Thank you for listening. I have a full plate with aging parents, trying to do my half of the house responsibilities, and taking care of myself, too, which is a biggie.
wow! I am so deeply sorry! I really wish you both find peace and that you don't have to go through this ever again.
Hi MandyBueno, my father was like your husband and my mother was like you. My father never could change even though my mother threatened to leave several times and hoped she could change him. I also think she was afraid to go out and try to make it on her own, and maybe felt guilty and embarrassed about a failed marriage. Unsuccessful marriages are not that uncommon. I think it eventually caused a lot of lasting pain and dysfunction for the entire family. I remember as a young boy looking out the bedroom window at night hoping those headlights coming down the street was his, while I'm sure my mother was at the kitchen window doing the same. I wish my mother would have left him from a young age. He was otherwise a very smart and good man. You might try a marriage counselor to get things clearly in the open, and then separating for a while which may end up permanently. Good luck MandyBueno.
Hi Mandy. I lived with an alcoholic mother who psychologically emotionally and verbally abused me. It happened for years and years and I began to stick up for myself and yell back at her and curse back at her and we had a very tumultuous relationship. That caused self-esteem and so forth issues for me as well as self-loathing that I've carried into adulthood for sure because of my childhood trauma that was caused by alcohol. I just found this group called Children of Alcoholics and it helps those that are just that as well as coming from a dysfunctional family. Check them out for sure because they have meetings all the time and they are all over the phone, on Zoom or in person and I'm sure that you could find one that fits in your schedule. There's a part of the program that teaches you how to be your own loving parents because your parents didn't know better and to treat yourself better which is what I need for sure and it might be what you need to to get the strength to do the right thing for yourself because you are allowing him to hurt you and it happens over alcohol all the time it's caused fights mistrust and he lies right to your face which is so very hurtful for you. You wonder probably how could this man who says that he loves me lie right to my face right? And then you feel bad for keeping him on tight leash so to speak you're trying to save his life and you're putting all the work in while he's continues to put none in. This is not fair to you nor to your children if you have any I'm not sure if you do but do yourself a very solid favor and check out one of these programs that me are the others have suggested because you need to love yourself first in order to love others and your needs at this point need to be put ahead of his as he is not doing right by you. I wish you peace and well-being in your journey here. Please let us know how you are doing. Wishing you the best always you're a good woman.
Will this pain ever end????
New here: And about at my wits end!
Supporting someone with Depressio n
New here - Seeking support as the spouse of someone suffering from Anxiety and/or Depression. 
